h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[A lone, three-person spacecraft exits hyperspace. On each side are emblazoned the words, "Z-1G ESCAPE SHUTTLE" and below that, someone has written, "All your base are belong to us." Cut to the interior; it is being piloted by Kefka from Final Fantasy 6, Sephiroth from FF7, and Queen Ultimecia from FF8.]

[Kefka] [blathering on] And then I blew up Meteor and then I blew up JENOVA and then I blew up you! Uwee hee hee~! And then I --

[Sephiroth] [looking very impatient] Kefka, when you said, "What shall we blow up next?" and I said, "Well, this is a G-19 star cruiser," I didn't mean that you ought to blow up the cruiser.

[Ultimecia] [whose voice sounds like that of a pepperpot] Well YOU'RE the one who suggested we try to blow up that abandoned space station in the first place!

[Sephiroth] That was just to cover our tracks!

[At this point, the Space Station Big C's probes will probably now attempt to contact the ship they're on, so for the sake of argument let's say the comm chimes.]

Hmm... not a good start for me. I'm completely lost already. Where exactly is this escape shuttle? Near the Space Station (http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/U161497) I presume. If so, the Space Station doesn't contact every ship that passes it...

What if it looks like it's got something in it that you wouldn't want near Earth?

Me? Care about that little rock? Get outta here!



*The Space Station scanners penetrate the shields surrounding it, and begin scanning the approaching ship, somewhat unsuccessfully...*

*After not being able to find anything, rather suspiciously, it tries to contact the ship...*

[SFX: Comm chime]

[Kefka] We get signal!

[Sephiroth freezes, then slowly turns around to face Kefka, a priceless expression on his face. Ultimecia reacts in a similar manner.]

[Sephiroth] [in an equally priceless tone of voice] WHAT?

[Kefka] Main screen turn on!

[Kefka and Ultimecia facepalm as Kefka activates the comm.]

[Kefka] [into comm] How are you, gentlemen? Uwee hee hee~!

[Sephiroth] Here, give me that! [shoves Kefka out of the way; into comm] Sorry about that.

*The Space Station Computer replies.*

[Apologies accepted. Greetings, unidentified vessel. You are currently persuing a trajectory of interception with Earth and this vessel, the Space Station Big C. I formally request to know the means of this voyage.]

[Sephiroth] [into comm] We're looking for a place to land. Our ship was destroyed by [glares at Kefka] an error that was made, and we're in this escape shuttle, so ...

[If your intentions are proven as unhostile we will offer assistance.]
[A remote landing platform will be provided.]

*A beam fires out from the Space Station and materialises a landing platform in space where the ship can land.*

[Sephiroth confirms this and switches off the comm.]

[Kefka] Somehow I don't like the sound of that.

[Sephiroth] Yeah. Just don't rush in there, sword-swinging, the way you did on Tarsis.

[Kefka] Hey, it wasn't MY fault /you/ got arrested for that!

[Sephiroth and Ultimecia] Yes it was!

[The shuttle lands on the landing pad]

*Soon another shuttle, manned by someone who can bypass security only once, leaves the Space Station and heads down to the hovering landing pad, now orbiting the Station slowly.*
*It lands, and a Tonks clone (not as advanced as a CompliGram) walks out, heading for the escape shuttle.*

Hello?
I'm sorry the real proprietor couldn't come, but he's a little busy at the moment. Can I help you?

[Sephiroth] [to Kefka] /I'll/ do the talking.

[Kefka] ...

[Sephiroth] Yeah. We were part of a tour group going between Tarsis and Cordooine. Our ship came under attack by a group of strange-looking fighters, and, uh, we ... [runs out of sentence]

[Ultimecia] We need a lift to Cordooine.

*The Professor's clone, frowns.*

OK, Cordooine shouldn't be a problem. We can either get this shuttle of your fixed up and you sne ton your way, or I can escort you to your destination personally.
Tell me though, who were these strange-looking fighters you mentioned?

This is something completely new. None of the characters here present know what they are, but some of my other characters might. You've met two of them personally. They were up to some good.


[Sephiroth] I ... don't know how to describe them. They were kind of like TIE Interceptors with four sets of wings instead of two ... they were made of this strange, blue, shiny substance. And the cockpits -- I assumed they were the cockpits -- They seemed to be made of a similar substance, only green. [shrugs] I dunno.

OK, I know which thread you're on about, but I can't for the life of me remember which characters they are.


Those sound odd.

*Quickly checks the Space Station's database using is simpler version of the Professor's Watch.*

I can't find them on record right now. Hmm...
Well anyway, would you like a ride, or a quick fix?

[Ultimecia] [vehemently] We want a ride.

[Sephiroth] Right. That's an escape shuttle we've been in for the past three days. Oh, and can you get us at least three shoot-em-up video games for the trip? Our friend here [gestures to Kefka] ... well ...

Yes, well, some escape shuttles can be rather comfortable.

OK, sure thing. I'm rather interested in these strange fighters you mentioned, so I'll escort you to Cordooine personally.

*Teleports a table with drinks.*

If you'd like to wait here a short while I'll nip back to the Station and return with a spare ship. With shoot-em-ups, if you so require.

*Boards his small shuttle and heads back to the Space Station.*

[Ultimecia] Finally, I'll be able to have a shower!

[Sephiroth] Finally, I'll be able to have my own bedroom!

[Kefka] Finally, I'll be able to blow stuff up without bothering anyone!

[pause]

[Kefka] What??

*After a few minutes, the clone approaches the landing stage in a fairly large ship of stylish design. Nice curves. Horrid colour.*
*He lands it, and walks out.*

Well, here you go. This ship's pretty fast, and'll take us to where you want to go in a jiffy. Comfy too, I assure you.
I suggest you gather your belongings from your shuttle and load them on here.

*The clone returns into the ship.*

[Sephiroth] Belongings, eh? Did we ever manage to find the Masamune before we left Entropy?

[Ultimecia] No, but I've still got the Black Materia.

[Kefka] And I still have my Magicite!

[Sephiroth] Then, let's go.

[They board the ship.]