h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*returns, wiping hands*
I'm sorry about that. I'll have a word with our Mike A when he comes back tomorrow.

'snorted' a line of ants? you mean breathed them up the nose?? oh my stars, why on earth?? that is terrible
axl rose, now that is a name that makes you wonder...seems like quite a violent person from the sound of it.
must say you have interesting stories there Mike A ...Lil, your horse is names after a car? this sounds as if it could be an interesting explanation
AA

The rug has an interesting story.

Its actually the fake fur of a pushmepullyou, made famous by the memoirs of Dr Doolittle (that's not Eddie Murphy either for those of you too young to know better).
Now pushmepullyous actually have no fur to speak of as such, despite their appearance. They wear fake furs that are soooo figure hugging that they are often mistaken for actual fur.
Anyhow, I was very cold one night when I was walking home in the rain (a story that I'll tell some other time) when I was befriended by a pushmepullyou that was lost.
She gave me this lovely fake fur as a gift to help me keep warm in the horrid weather in return for a stroll to my place, a lovely sweet mug of hot chocolate, some excellent conversation and, eventually, directions to where she had to go.
Of course, for such a rug, I was only too happy to oblige.

And now I give it to you.

*Lil has resumed her seat on the ottoman*
A real pushmepullyou genuine fake! Oh, that's marvelous. You couldn't ask for anything more from a hearth rug than it be washable, soft and ... famous!

And now it's my turn to tell a story. I'll tell you about Ferrari, who is indeed named after a certain automobile logo. I don't know what he was called in his earliest years. He was born and raised a mustang (that's a wild horse) in New Mexico, where he lived until he was captured by stockmen when he was 4. Now, Ferrari is a very good-looking black horse (except for the star on his forhead and snip of white on his nose) and his conformation looks to be a throwback to his Andalusian ancestors, those horses brought over by the Spanish conquistadores. He is also very independent-minded and objected so strenuously to the idea of being ridden that the stockment sold him on to a big rodeo outfit.

This turned out to be Ferrari's big break in show business. He showed such talent and style in the art of bucking that he became the best-known bronco on the circuit. This is when he came to be named Ferrari because of his grand style and the speed with which he divested himself of riders. It was a good life with only about five minutes of real work in any given week and plenty of time to think up new techniques for losing cowboys in the dust. But after a while he became bored and aspired to another line of work. He'd been watching the parades and began to fancy himself a show horse like the prancing flag bearers in the next paddock. Why not? After all, he had the looks.

That evening the workers saddled him up and took him to the chute as usual, and a terrified cowboy slipped onto his back and made ready. But, when the chute opened, instead of wheeling and sunfishing and turning handsprings, Ferrari broke into an elegant canter, neck curved like a swan. The crowd was silent for a few moments, then broke into boos and catcalls. Ferrari was surprised, his rider was embarrassed, and his bosses were disgusted. He was sacked without notice the very next day and found himself right back on the hills where he was born.

The layoff was nice at first, but Ferrari soon grew bored and wandered out in search of some action. And this is how he wandered into the frame, so to speak, at a moment when I had called for a horse to walk on as part of the action in a thread on h2g2. The rest is history.

He is now Sir Ferrari of the Aroma Cafe, ever since Irving Washington (proprietor) borrowed him to go on a quest on behalf of Queen Bludragon of Damogran. Apparently a courtier knight named Afgncaap5 worked some sort of magic on Ferrari, such that, when he enters Damogran he sprouts wings. But outside of that realm, here in our real world, he is Resident Horse at the Cafe, and Mike A's good companion. They're both fond of riding off into the oak wood by the cafe and playing cowboys and indians all day. As you see, he has a rather wicked sense of humour.

And that's the true story of my horse Ferrari and how he comes to be outside your bungalow nibbling your lawn. He's waiting for Mike A so he can go off and play.

My, all that talk has made me thirsty. Can I freshen the pot? *goes into kitchen area and puts kettle on*

*returns from kitchen with fresh tea tray*
Have we mentioned that Mike A is my cyber-nephew? It's a rather distant connection, but we find we have many interests in common. I ask him to just call me Lil, and as you've heard he has his own special interests, but we are very good friends.
*pours out tea and resumes seat on ottoman*

Indeed

This is pretty darn funki, isn't it? I never heard of no pullmepushyou things.
And I -dig- that story of Ferrari. Where is the little tyke now?

He _was_ out front, waiting for you...
*peers out*
He must have gone into the back garden, The grass is all short now, out front. Are you going riding?
And it's "any" pushmepullyou things, not "no".
*sound of neighing in back of AA's home*

Hush, buay! I can finish my story, then I'll be out riding

Now, the rest of my bands on tour...

Alice In Chains/Screaming Trees (1993)
Given Layne Staley and Mark Lanegan's reputed fondness for pharmaceuticals, it perhaps wasn't the smartest move to send their respective bands on tour together in America. Weeks of inter-band scrapping and chemical indulgence followed, until the two vocalists decided that they'd have more fun if they cut out the musical part of the equation altogether and buggered off to Mexico for more binging. Staley hasn't toured properly since.

Korn's Family Values (1998)
Summer 1998's inaugral Family Values US tour - featuring Korn, Limp Bizkit, Orgy and Rammstein - gave the new monsters of rock ample opportunity to prove that they could outrage the old school. This they did by taking loads of Bolivian marching powder, encouraging naked ladies to offer up some sapphic nookie for the lads, and allowing Rammstein vocalist Till Lindemann to violate a leather-clad gimp doggy-style with his prosthetic penis every night. All in the best possible taste, naturally.

And, now, I've put this last one slightly out of chronological order. Save the best til last .

Nine Inch Nails/Marilyn Manson (1994)
Egged on by support act The Jim Rose Circus, the NIN/Manson arena tour saw backstage depravity descend to ever new lows. Jim Rose hosted enema contests with willing groupies, the bands took it in turns to see who could spit into a naked girl's arsehole, Manson fisted a naked man for a dare and infamously gave NIN guitarist Robin Finck a blowjob onstage...

*throws up her hands*
You _will_ go right over the top, won't you.
And don't act all innocent.
The best thing you could do before you clear out is apologize to Agony Aunt.
I mean, you're perfectly free not to. You decide.

*NM rushes through the door*

WHEW!!! Sorry about the unannounced entrance.....but it's raining "cats and dogs" out there! I saw the fire and thought it might be a good place to warm up and dry out!

By the way....that's a very nice pushmepullu fur you have there in the floor! I haven't seen one of those in a long while! Ya' know...you don't get those things easily! The buggers don't give them up for just anything!.....it takes quite a favor to get it off their backs!

Did I see a horse out front?......there was some guy trying to get up on it!.....seems the horse was a bit more interested in the grass than in a long walk!...AA.....I don't think you'll have to worry about mowing for a while...(they have a sale on grass seed down at the hardware store...you might want to check it out!)

Did I hear you guys telling stories when I came in?.. That sounds fun! Mind if I listen while I dry out?

NM

Lil, what a great story of your horse, Ferrari .
i must say that i did not know you and Mike A were distantly connected. it is always nice to find someone which shares your interests and accepts you for who you are .
as for the pullmepushyou's Wowbagger, you must be quite proud and i am honoured to have this fine genuine fake fur resting in my sitting room
and Mike A, oh my stars!! what in the world?? sounds as if there are some strange and how shall i say...not too civilized things occuring in the world of musicians. i wonder what would make people do things like this??
lastly, you are more than welcome to join us NM (or is it Fairly Strange?, i am still a bit confused on that). please, have a seat in front of the fire and i will get you some dry clothes, a blanket and some nice hot tea for you .
AA

*only just getting over her embarrassment*

Aunt, I am glad you liked Ferrari's story. And I do apologise for overreacting to young Mike. You know how it is when your relations act up, or act out or whatever it is...

Hallo NM, I don't know whether we've ever actually spoken. Pleased to meet you!
Here, take the ottoman, it's right by the fire.

do not worry yourself over it or be too embarrassed by it, having spent many hours among varying walks of people i have found that not much can 'ruffle my feathers'...i find that everyone has something interesting to chat about and even if it is a bit unusual it does not make it bad as long as you learn something from it and i must say that i did learn something .
AA

*rolls eyes*
Well, if we can get him comfortable, I wonder if we can get a Fairly Strange story?

Lil, you do have a way of bringing a smile to my face
i bet once our new guest warms himself he will be full of wonderful and interesting tales...with a name like 'Fairly Strange' how could he not be?
Fairly Strange, you are a he aren't you?? i would hate to be calling you a he if you are in fact a she
AA

Last time I looked, I was a “he”…..but in this world, anything is open to conjecture!

Oh, and thanks for the warm blanket….I was afraid I’d catch my death!

A story? I’m afraid my life is not near as strange as my name makes it out to be!….What shall I tell about?!

My life has been quite odd till now. I have run the gambit from “party central” to “Father Knows Best”. There are so many things I could tell….and none of them interesting to anyone, save myself. I’ll relinquish the storytellimg to those who are better suited!

(But then…….there were those “donuts” I put in the churchyard in Arab, Ala.!!!)

NM

Welcome FS/NM, Keeper of Secrets, fan of Dangermouse

I swear that my stories were true. It's just these people like to take advantage of the rock'n'roll lifestyle...you never find country singers doing these things, do you?

Why don't we let Ferrari in the listen to us?

Hi, Lil.....I can't remember for sure if we've met before or not.....I'd swear we have!!!

DANGERMOUSE SHALL RETURN!!!!oopps....got a little carried away there, Mike!

As far as rock groups are concerned, their exploits on the road are legendary. Country artists(note the difference in how they refer to themselves)are more subdued due to the fact their audience would never accept such behavior! It has to do with the paycheck.

NM

Oh yes, _that's_ where I met you. In the DM forum. A place where man and teen become practically indistinguishable.

Mike, give Ferrari a couple of days off, if you don't mind? I have a plan I'll tell you about later. @v@

Fairly Strange, you haven't paid your dues -- a story, even just a little one!

oh my! it seems to be getting a bit on the full side in here i think this is good as it means we are all enjoying ourselves but i suggest that maybe it would be nice if we packed a picnic lunch and went outside for a stroll before stopping by the lake with the waterfall and resting. maybe there NM would be kind enough to tell us a lovely story after we eat. Mike A could bring Ferarri too if he likes, i am sure Ferarri would enjoy the fresh air and scenery just as much as we will
please, join me in the great outdoors...
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?MESSAGES[(THREADID*45834?forumid*35945)THREADS
AA