h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"tried it. It was awful"

Is it?

Why d'you want to know?

No reason, actually... You already said it is and I think it isn't so there's no reason for wanting to know is it since it's all subjective anyway and I already know your opinion... How about talking about something else... Hmm... Nice weather, isn't it?

Alien, don't get paranoid, we're all peaceful beings who just want to get on with each other( if not why not?)

Paranoid? Who, me? I'm the most peaceful creature there is... *the little voice in her head says: kill them all*

Voices in your head hey? If I had those it would be very confusing and difficult to hold a conversation with my other head.
Lie down on this couch Alien and tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.

Remember? Oh, she's not dead...
And there's no bad things about her...

You obviously don't remember the quote from Blade Runner( if you've not seen the film, after being asked the question the replicant - a sort of android with family memories he knows to be false- blasts the questioner away).
Anyway, at the moment my life could be better, I'm stuck in a town where there are few like minds, recovering from long term stress and having difficulty in mixing with people, where I used to have no problems mixing, when I felt like it.
Still, am I disheartened?( Insert smiley that implies probably yes, but nothing that a couple of years in a warmer clime and the love of a good woman won't sort out).

Never say anything is obvious when you're talking with me... I didn't remember that, though... I've seen the film ages ago...

Perhaps you need to have seen it 15 times and have both videos.
Anyway, its right at the start of the film.
I shall henceforth assume only that you understand written English.
If not!"£$%^&*()_+.
Perhaps you could tell me a little about your real life ( or an imagined one as in my religion all this is maya - illusion).

Understand written English? What on Earth gave you that thought?? I only communicate with highly advanced telepathy...
Real life... Hmm... Have you checked out my website?

Me? I'm all for telekinesis.( suitable smiley implying mysterious powers of scaring women off, without wanting to).
Yes I visited your site tho' I can't find the URL in my ( paper) list of favourites. Run it by me droid.( Hums Mr Spaceman by the Byrds then segues into 8 miles high, then stops smoking Bong pipe of sweaty socks).

I DO BELIEVE (honest).
Tho the wierdest thing I ever met was me( time warps do that to you, y'know?)

Oh, telekinesis is useful too... As a means of communication it's pretty rough, though - making objects fly at each other doesn't make a very refined conversation... And better be careful with those time warps...
What did you say you believe?

No I make words fly at people.
Watch out for that low flying subordinate clause!
I believe in life the universe and everything of course, but more particulary life outside the Solar System, UFOs (you see a lot over Redditch which is very wierd( have you ever been to Redditch?))and that all this is only maya anyway.

Where's Redditch?

Indeed, where is Redditch? ( pauses for deep philosophical thought).
It's in the (English) West Midlands and is full of people with strange accents and attitudes I'm convinced must be of alien origin, ( or is it me?).
Perhaps that explains why the UFOs are there -waiting for a parking space.

Hello, hello?
"Is there life on Mars?"

Has Finland vanished under mountains of unwanted Nokia mobile phones?

Oh no. Unfortunately not under mountains of snow either...
What was it about aliens? There're quite a few around here...