"The Lot" .....of Quotes

Famous People's Quotes
Maybe exept the first block


Anonymous


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.
If you love something, kill it.
If it returns, you belong to it forever.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.







Albert Einstein


Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: You send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
(when he was asked to describe the radio)

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

E=MC^2





Unsorted

These will be sorted out soon.


Condense soup, not books!

I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...

Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light! -- Second City Players

Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners: Just say "No, thank you."

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs,
consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

Save Soviet Jewry---Win Valuable Prizes!

Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Draft beer, not people.

When aiming for the common denominator,
be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.

Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog?

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

Half moon tonight. At least it's better than no moon at all.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.
-- Daniel Dennett

...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
-- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common
Animals of Roads, Streets, and Highways"

Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between
the right man and the right woman... -- Woody Allen

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Detroit: Where the weak are killed and eaten.

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang
separately. -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great
force. -- Dorothy Parker

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it,
and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. -- Bruce Cockburn

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes
they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other,
"You're fine. How am I?"

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Read my Lisp...no new syntax. (nil)

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero,
they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth

God is real, unless declared as an integer.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart
threw a sword at you! -- Monty Python's Holy Grail

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative
results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this
program.

The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know,
only more so.

Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis

The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!

Hindsight is an exact science.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the
grand fallacy.

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

One planet is all you get.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better
get used to it.

Be different: Conform.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50
it will.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Acid: Better living through chemistry.

There's no future in time travel.

Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to
teach them good manners.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.

Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor.

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows
what it is.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so! -- Ford Prefect

New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
-- David Letterman

In the end, everybody must understand for themselves. -- Martin-Lof

Listen to your surroundings and yourself, instead of Jimmy Swaggert.

Inspected by: #15.

Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.

Omit needless words. -- Strunk and White

This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F.

This sentence is false with probability 0.5.

It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.

An armed society is a polite society.

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means
just what I choose it to mean---neither more nor less."

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way. -- Jessica Rabbit

Computer: "How do you feel?" Spock: "I don't understand the question."

Weird theory #47: Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

Z.I.S.es: Zero Information Statements.

While the builders of the cages sleep with bullets, bars and stones,
they do not see your road to freedom that you build with flesh and bone.

/earth: file system full.

The race is not always to the swift, but it's a pretty safe bet.

MS-DOS: Just say no!

Unix: When you can't afford the very best.

Slimey? Mud hole? My HOME this is! -- Yoda

Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?

I only changed one line and it was a comment...

On two occasions I have been asked, "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the
machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"

If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.

Eunichs: The operating system for real men.

To be or not to be; that requires one TTL gate at a minimum, but you could do
it with three NAND gates, or just hook the output to Vcc.

Sin harder! Ragnarok is coming!

Ask a fish head anything you want to. It won't answer you; they can't talk.

Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time.

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they
don't care who gets the credit.

No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai

When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn't
enough. -- Alex P. Keaton

Fools! Idiots! Don't they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond
comprehension! -- Doctor Science

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex
manuals without the software. -- Arthur C. Clarke

If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!

You may ask yourself, how did I get here? This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife! -- Talking Heads

Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world
was a wordprocessor?

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth.

Apathetic Surf Club: We don't surf, and we don't care.

Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever? -- Arthur

It's not a matter of life or death, but what is? What is?

We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!

This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Mr. Spock! This disk is damaged! Do you want to initialize it?

If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind. -- J-L Gassee

Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.

"Where are we going?" "Nowhere." "So what's the rush?" -- The Lost Boys

I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation,
because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

Useless advice #986: Never sit on a tack.

What did the Caspian sea? -- Saki

I don't work for no 'Toon!

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

OS/2: Just say no!

An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.

Chief weapons of UNIX: Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.

We've got the best government money can buy.

Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Those of you who think that you know everything are particularly annoying to
those of us who do.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
-- Mark Twain

I am Homer of the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is irrelevant.
Preparation is irrel...MMMmmm...doughnut!

Let the eulogy read: "Well, it's tragic how his prostate burst right through
his ass like that, but let us recall how Michael was dumb enough to believe --
convinced even -- that there is some kind of life after death. At least now he
knows better."

Inbreeding is how we get championship horses.
-- Carl Gunter, Lousiana state representative, explaining why he was
fighting a proposed bill that allowed abortion in cases of incest.

There are still 50 countries in the world with GNPs larger than Microsoft.

Sometimes I walk around all day whistling Dixie so that if someone says to me
"You ain't just whistling Dixie," I can say "Well, actually I am."
-- Grant McFarland

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
-- Mortimer Brewster [Cary Grant], "Arsenic And Old Lace", 1944

A strange but true fact: The first episode of the "Happy Days" spin-off "Joanie
Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean
television. "Chachi" is Korean for "penis".

I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
-- DNRC Motto

[Correspondence between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill:]
Dear Winnie,
Here are two tickets to my new play.
Bring a friend, if you have one.
GBS
Dear GBS,
Sorry, but I can't make it to the opening night of your new play. However I
would appreciate tickets to the second night performance -- if you have one.
WSC

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the
morning and does not stop until you get to the office.
-- Robert Frost

If I had eight hours to cut down a tree, I'd spend seven sharpening my axe.
-- Attributed to Abraham Lincoln

When I want your opinion, I will give it to you.
-- "The Godfather"

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible. -- PJ O'Rourke.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Of all victories the first and greatest is for a man to conquer himself.
-- Plato

Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend
that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was
reluctant to do. She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my
friend that I could get you to say three words to me."
_
"You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.

Raspberry walks into a bar, bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
-- On Fruitopia bottle, "raspberry psychic lemonade" flavor

It's not how many Umpa-Loompas one fits into a thimble; it's the fact that he
tries. -- Euclid's Universe

My other car is a cdr.

Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of
prison.

Happiness is having a chitinous exoskeleton.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. -- Griffin's Thought

If a wrench won't work...get a bigger hammer.

My uncle had a rabbit's foot for 25 years. The other foot was normal.

i F
n m oy nr o r o
Entropy E tropy E p B y a F r ta Fortran
tr t p t r n r
o

But besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

Remember, you are a completely unique and distinct individual.
Just like everyone else.

Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time,
you can walk on them for 20 years.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some
pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen

Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

Did you hear about the new slogan for British Airways?
British Airways: When you fly on our planes, you just might get sucked off!
-- David Letterman, June 12, 1990

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in
one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the
lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."

Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing
at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure
skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,
the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to
kill because they p**sed me off.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

# Other variations:
# One dark night, in the middle of the day, two dead boys got up to play.
# One bright morning in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
# Two deaf policemen heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.
# One deaf policeman heard the noise, came and killed the two dead boys.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner, _The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe_
[Performed by Lily Tomlin]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the
"Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do
the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960

Teach a man to fish, he'll eat fish the rest of his life.
Teach a fish to learn, and soon the fish will all be running around in schools!

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the
shoulder of Orion. I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser
Gate. All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
-- Roy Baty, in "Blade Runner"

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio
stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles
closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there
are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as
progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
correct screw.

It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only
exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves
largess out of the public treasury.
-- Alexander Tyler, eighteenth-century Scottish historian

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices. -- William James

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling
down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it---and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer, 1835-1910)

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had
been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out.
_
All from the same person.

When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat
Don't waste tears on what might have been
Just lie on your back and float

Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line,
off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to
use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to
use my telephone. -- Stroustrup

I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!

Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

Life in a vacuum sucks.

What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A spatula.

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist seemingly for the sole
accommodation of these so-called limerick writers---and even sicker of their
residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to
do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's
not the same man. -- Heraclitas

C code. C code run. Run, code, run!

But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common
objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp! You towel! You
plate!" and so on. -- Sigmund Freud

These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me,
they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome
like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
-- Charles Barkley

"Life without you would be like a broken pencil."
"How's that?"
"Completely pointless."
-- Blackadder, Series II

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you
understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's
important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me --
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
-Emily Dickinson

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in
the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the
God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese proverb

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations,
separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that
I am! -- Monty Python

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Join the Army!
Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning.
Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of
our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he
hasn't eaten in a while.
-- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball
opponent in the Olympics

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I
realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_

...and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me
would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him
yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his
heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!
-- James Joyce, _Ulysses_

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language
will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good
name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and
plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own
cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own
momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to
award."

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of
legs. -- E. Grebenik

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash

When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved.
I choose not to limit myself.

I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two
out of three in a pinch.

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac

On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote `Trust Jesus', and
someone else wrote `But Cut the Cards'.

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch

From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would
be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!

Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?" Then a voice answers
"Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered. -- Woody Allen

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the
child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in
your work. -- Clive Barker, "Jihad"

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when
you kill them. -- William Clayton

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be
thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
-- Voltaire

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to
her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between,
given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
-- From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down
and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high
powered rifle and scope. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly
proud of, either.
-- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_
by Matt Groening

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an
important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
-- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_
by Matt Groening

No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. -- John Steinbeck

"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it.

Of all the people I know, you're one of them.

/nev/dull

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots
say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head
like this before.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

"Are you ABNORMAL? Then you are probably better than most people!
Are alien space monsters bringing a STARTLING NEW WORLD?"
-- The Book of the SubGenius

A thought for the day: In ``A Clarification of Questions,'' Iran's Ayatollah
Ruhollah Khomeini wrote that ``if a fly gets into the throat of one who is
fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out.''

Being in a minority, even a minority of one, does not make one insane.
-- Winston Smith in Orwell's "1984"

A day without sunshine is like night.

There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
-- X-windows xwud(1) man-page

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -- Jay Leno

IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
"Ever since they threatened to fire me," Frank replied.

--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a
nail. -- Abraham Maslow

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

<Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!

Make everything as simple as possible, but not more so.

It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears,
but only twice as many ears as noses.

Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words

Walt Disney is not dead. He's in suspended animation.


You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there
anymore, the piranha will starve.

The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

My friends...what are hot dogs? Chopped dog? No, they're chopped eyeballs,
and what's better on eyeballs than A-1?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. -- Shakespeare

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be
construed. -- Kurt Vonnegut

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over,
trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. -- Nietchze

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I
generalize, I don't care. -- Dave Barry

Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing
from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.

I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization,
italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis.
-- Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader

.Sig! .Sig a .Sog! .Sig it loud! .Sig it .Strog!
-- Karen Carpenter with a head cold

Women: Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em...

Women: Can't live with 'em, pass me the beernuts...
-- Norm (Cheers)

Poetry and Power Tools: "The sun creeps up / THE DAY AWAKES / ..."

Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.

Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our
regular war!

[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.

I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me.

Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.

Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep.
DEAR MISS MANNERS -- When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat,
is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or
eighths on the plate?
GENTLE READER -- Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered,
much less eighthed. They are only being nice.

Hello! I'm a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!

Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?

I've truncated, and I can't round up!

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop?
If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.

Getting tired of children? Ever heard of youthanasia?

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

"My mother made me a homosexual!"
"If I send her the yarn, can she make me one too?"

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
He just adored the platter of little feet...

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and
then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for
the first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature."

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here," asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes.
I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.

While travelling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly
Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.

Twice five syllables / Plus seven can't say much but / That's Haiku for you.

Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all
likelihood still is.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!

PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.

I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-- Pete Seeger

Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!

I own my own body, but I share.

A "Frisbeterian" believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the
roof, and you can't get it back down.

"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim from "Taxi"

Plan: To make a machine that will be proud of us. -- Thinking Machine's motto.

Anarchy: It's not a law, it's just a good idea.

Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"? A: The way it sounds.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire

Eschew obfuscation.

She's a nice girl and all, but she's just a few sandwiches short of a good
picnic. -- Ms. Opal

The misanthrope's catastrophic apostrophe landed in the cantaloupe near the
antelope's interloper. -- R. Michael Young

Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten.

The Naked Gun 2 1/2:
If you only see one movie this year...you should get out more often!

The Naked Gun 2 1/2: From the brother...of the director...of Ghost.

Woman: "Is this some kind of a bust?" The Naked Gun
Drebin: "It's very impressive, yes." 2 1/2

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.

Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.

Things that don't go together:
Poetry and Power Tools, High Jumping and Low Ceilings,
Wet Paint and Dry Cleaning, Power Lifting and Ice Skating.

Sheep haiku:
sheepskin seatcovers / winter warm and summer cool / little lambs no more
"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly
like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."
Douglas Adams -- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Half a bee, philosophically, must ipse facto half not be.
But half the bee, has got to be, a visavi it's intety, do you see?
But can a bee, be said to be, or not to be, an entire bee.
When half the bee, is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
-- Monty Python

I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not
dying. -- Woody Allen

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them? -- Jules Feiffer

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

The brain can be seen as a complex machine, like a gooey computer.
-- Robert C. Solomon

Why settle for the lesser evil? Cthulhu for President.

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave!"
-- Dr. Frazier Crane, "Cheers"

The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded
where we were supposed to go. -- Steven Wright

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the
lights while I'm still in the bathroom.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died. -- Steven Wright

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase
"As pretty as an airport" appear. -- Douglas Adams

There are some strings. They're just not attached.

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable.

"Apparently, it was not as big of a surprise as we had anticipated."
-- Cylon Warrior to Imperious Leader

Seen on Pavlov's door: "Knock. Don't ring bell."

"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?"
JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".

Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City:
Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now.

A proud supporter of Crusty the Clown's Telethon for Motion Sickness.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good
with ketchup.

"" -- Marcel Marceau

Hansen's Library Axiom: The closest library doesn't have the material you need.

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the
ones in movies.

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

Save water. Shower with a friend.

Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish
you weren't.

Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat.

The Martian canals were the Martians' last ditch effort.

Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

A new name for Political Correctness: Euphemasia.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to
have low ceilings for this method to work.

Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn't.

Bad cop! No donut!

Celibacy is not hereditary.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The sign of a confident scientist: Often wrong, never in doubt.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it
weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found
was a pile of dust.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

"How do you feel about women's rights?"
"I like either side of them."
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go
into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold
out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd
give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will
help you move a body.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken

Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you
would lie if you were in his place. -- H. L. Mencken

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-- H. L. Mencken

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken

we, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
we have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing,
but it hurts. -- Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2

Q: How many Somalians can you fit in a bathtub?
A: I lost count. They kept on falling down the drain.

There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a
crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people.
That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a
thousand guys exactly like you. -- A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled.
This time is called the Dark Ages.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light."
And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.

A metaphor is like a simile.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail
in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive
them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

`I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said. `Printing my
comments intact would make things much easier.' Mansfield went on to claim
`I...[like]...boys.' -- From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
-- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.

There are three stages in the killing of the astrophysicist:
(1) the early stage, when his body successfully resists the tidal forces;
(2) the intermediate stage, when it is gradually succumbing; and
(3) the final stage, when it has been completely overwhelmed.
-- "The fate of a man who falls into the singularity at r = 0"
_Gravitation_

My kid beat up your honor student.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Steven Wright

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should
flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
-- Noam Chomsky

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.
-- Albert Einstein

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein

God does not play dice with the cosmos.
-- Albert Einstein

2
E = M C
-- Albert Einstein

Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592...

i Pi
e = -1
-- Leonard Euler, Swiss mathematician

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth
century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

"So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked. He
blinked at me as if I were stupid. "Well what do you think you do?", he said.
"You die of course. That's what deadly means."
-- "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine

Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest:
Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space
Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics
Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light",
and there was still nothing, but you could see it. -- Dave Thomas, SCTV

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do? -- Steven Wright

C code. C code run. Run code, run...please?

The speed of time is one second per second.

No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim.

A slow winter day
A night like forever
Sink like a stone
Float like a feather

I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

"How I wish I could recollect of circle round
The exact relation Archimede unwound." -- [Pi]

"How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving
quantum mechanics." -- Martin Gardner [Pi]

Some people are born to write FORTRAN, others aspire to write FORTRAN, but
most have writing FORTRAN thrust upon them.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

If P is prime, is P' prime prime?

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was. -- Herb Caen

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.

Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992?
Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there!

A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on
approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport:
"Delta---We almost got you there"

Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower?
A: Deconstruction workers.

Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide:
A == B; !;

A great name for a new country song:
If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness,
the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. -- Woody Allen

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement?
A: A local area networth.

It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for
the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer
Republics.

With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced
that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to
Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an
inverted U.

Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude:
"I WILL fail. I WILL fail."

Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you.

"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!"
"Well, tell him we don't want any!"
-- Groucho Marx

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short
story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex,
Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story:
"My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?"

Why did the Mafia kill Einstein?
He knew too much.

If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by
replay review, does the penalty still count?

Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery.

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ?
A: Half a dog...

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Benny Hill: The master of the single entendre.

You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around
never get around to you.

In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too.
But they die happy. -- Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology

Project: To determine what makes things tick.
Plan:
....to stop the ticking.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial?
"In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!"

Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture?
Ovary 2: No, why do you ask?
Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door.

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.:
The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to
rich people in poor countries.

Job vacancy advertisment.
Wanted: Small man for job as a mud flap.
Must be flexible and willing to travel.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

If you love something, kill it. If it returns, you belong to it forever.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it
always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back
of a cat [butter facing up]. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the
ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could
easily link New York with Chicago. -- Omni

If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks,
fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway
signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in
Braille. -- Omni

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.
This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. -- Omni

When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will
often produce a diamond. -- Omni

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
-- Omni

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to
go faster when you're always going downhill. -- Omni

Will your answer to this question be no?

It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races. -- Mark Twain

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to
have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at
how much the old man had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important.

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. -- Marvin Minsky

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog
generally dies as a result.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -- Gloria Steinum

I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough. -- M. C. Escher

Parting is such sweet sorrow that I should say goodnight until tomorrow.
-- Shakespeare

Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels take thee to thy rest.
-- William Shakespeare

It's like deja-vu, all over again. -- Yogi Berra

People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded. -- Yogi Berra

You can observe a lot just by watchin'. -- Yogi Berra

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
-- Yogi Berra

If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.
-- Yogi Berra

Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra

We have deep depth. -- Yogi Berra

We made too many wrong mistakes. -- Yogi Berra

Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business:
"Either Way You Get Your Dog Back"

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I
say, "Why not?" -- George Bernhard Shaw

Mae West: For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived.
Interviewer: Did you reform?
Mae West: No; I'm not ashamed anymore.

[Proofs that odd numbers are prime]
Mathematician:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is a bad data point, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Engineer:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Computer Scientist:
1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, ...

An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put
him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down
a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady.
-- Groucho Marx

I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end---I shouldn't
be at all surprised. -- Dorothy Parker

Professor Marlin's Rule:
If you have an open book test, you will forget your book.
If you have a take home test, you will forget where you live.

Those who will not reason, perish in the act.
Those who will not act, perish for that reason.
-- W. H. Auden, _Shorts_

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its
efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who
don't know anything and can't read. -- Mark Twain

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a
fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a
cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..."
-- Isaac Asimov

I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
-- Unknown English Professor

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me.
-- Winnie the Pooh

Last night I held a little hand, No other hand, tho held so tight,
So dainty and so neat. Could greater gladness bring,
I thought my heart would surely burst; Than the hand I held last night;
So wildly did it beat. Four aces and a king.

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the
most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. -- Keynes

The worst crime against working people is a company which fails to operate at a
profit. -- Samuel Gompers (1908)

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that
we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We
address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk
to them of our own neccessities but of their advantages. -- Adam Smith

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders
of giants.
-- Isaac Newton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my
shoulders.
-- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
-- Brian K. Reed

So far the theories of mathematics are about reality, they are not certain;
so far as they are certain, they are not about reality. -- Albert Einstein

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of
the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program,
should the value of pi change.
-- Fortran manual for Xerox Computers

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book
admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the
teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them? -- Jules Feiffer

A Christian is a man who feels
Repentant on a Sunday
For what he did on Saturday
And will do again on Monday.

Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are
higher. If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you
as you are served.

This is a baby sig that someday hopes to grow up to be a big, powerful and
funny sig. -- [email protected]

HUMAN NATURE
Once I shot a bird,
When I was very young.
I watched it fall, and die.
And I thought that it was fun.
-- W.C. Mackie

I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.

Mr Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
-- Winston Churchill

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are
laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton,
they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx

He who can, does. He who cannot teaches. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the
black flag, and begin slitting throats. -- H. L. Mencken

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the
support of a cause we believe to be just. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all
doubt. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse.
(It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.)
-- Gerard Didier Erasmus (c. 1465-1536)

Veni, vidi, vici.
(I came, I saw, I conquered.)
-- Gaius Julius Caesar (c. 102-44 BC)

See the happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I were a moron,
My God! Perhaps I am!
-- Dorothy Parker

Some men see things as they are and ask why.
Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
-- George Bernard Shaw

If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him. -- Voltaire

Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate.
(Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.)
-- Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)

Knowledge is power. -- Thomas Hobbes

Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad. -- Euripides

It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true.
-- George Santayana

America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the
scum floats to the top. -- Charlie King

Pope John Paul would be more popular if he called himself Pope John Paul George
and Ringo. -- Paul Krassner

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of
intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the
child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
-- Winston Churchill

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when
you kill them. -- William Clayton

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any
hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. -- Carl Sagan, "Contact"

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else. -- Ogden Nash

KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars,
we'll play any song you want. Guaranteed.

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it's curtains!

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking---it's called marriage.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.

A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made when he
marries.

Ah, Mozart! He was happily married, but his wife wasn't. -- Borge

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they would
be married too. -- H. L. Mencken

Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?

I never knew what true happiness was till I got married.
And then it was too late.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman. -- Herbert Spencer

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Of course I'm happily married. She's happy, and I'm married.

The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature.
The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger
one.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the
question of whether a submarine can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake---which was a bit of a surprise,
actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

I went to the doctor for a check-up. It was ok, he was there.

I said, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." (Moves arm)
He said, "Don't do it then."
-- Henny Youngman

I said to my doctor, "I've broken my arm in several places."
He said, "Don't go to those places."
-- Henny Youngman

I went up into the attic with the wife the other day. Dirty, filthy, covered
in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids. I found this violin and this
picture. I took them along to the auctioneer, he says what you've got there is
a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a rotten
painter, and Rembrandt couldn't make violins. (Sticks violin through picture.)

That was Zen. This is Tao. -- Peter da Silva

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock
or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has
a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it
doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather like getting
tenure.) -- Daniel Dennett, _Consciousness Explained_, p. 177

One of the most attractive features of a Connection Machine is the array of
blinking lights on the faces of its cabinet.
-- CM Paris Ref. Manual, v6.0, p48.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad,
it's still pretty good.

Eschew obfuscation.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Illiterate? Write for help!

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception,
is composed of others. -- John Andrew Holmes

The saddest thing of word or pen,
To know the things that might have been.
-- John Greenleaf Whittier, 1807-1892, U.S. poet

If of all words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are, `It might have been,'
More sad are these we daily see:
`It is, but hadn't ought to be.'
-- Francis Brett Hart

In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be
perverse to withhold provisional assent." I suppose that apples might start to
rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics
classrooms. -- Stephen Jay Gould

Science has proof without any certainty.
Creationists have certainty without any proof.
-- Ashley Montague

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that
brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over
me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see
its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-- Frank Herbert, _Dune_

We three drunks from Omaha are
Spending Christmas eve in a car.
Driving, Drinking, glasses clinking;
Who needs a lousy bar? -- Mad Magazine

Oh, don't mind the tree monsters. Their bark is worse than their bite.
-- The Winter Warlock, in _Santa Claus is Comin' to Town_

Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
-- David Letterman

"I see!", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail. -- Gore Vidal

It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.
-- Erasmus (c1465-1536)

Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable. -- Mrs. White, _Clue_

Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies what I love to eat,
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet.
-- B. Kliban

This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left.
-- Cambridge University Math Department

The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
Instruments. -- PBS

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what
they are. -- Somerset Maugham

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If
they're okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown

A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself. -- Niels Bohr

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho Marx

Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.

"The prince wants your daughter for his wife."
"Well, tell him his wife can't have her." -- Blackadder III

Politically-incorrect T-Shirt idea: What part of "AWW C'MON, PLEASE?" don't you
understand? -- Roger Crew

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts
that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, _Face of Evil_

The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of
a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own
good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant.
-- John Stuart Mill, _On Liberty_

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
-- Hector-Louis Berlioz

You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the
bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away. A rat would probably be killed,
though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is
broken, a horse splashes. -- J. B. S. Haldane, _On Being the Right Size_

Once the most important inhabitants of a world at the center of the known
cosmos, now we human beings had been reduced to the status of the far-flung
denizens of a minor, tangential blip on somebody else's universe.
-- John Boslough, _Masters of Time_

Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin...
-- The Knights Who So Recently Said "Nee!"

When you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra

Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high
powered rifle and scope.
-- P. J. O'Rourke

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus.
Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- William H. Jefferys

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
-- Vince Lombardi

Ninety percent of the game is half mental. -- Yogi Berra

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
-- Boris Yeltsin

Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.
-- James Wesley Jackson

Football combines two of the worst things about American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-- George Will

You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people. -- Melissa Timberman

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Heisenberg may have been here.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy's Law

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. -- John Lennon

Dear Mr. President: There are too many states. Please eliminate three. I am
not a crackpot. -- Abraham "Grandpa" Simpson

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
-- Dave Barry

"Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the deaths
of innocent people?"
"No...by CAUSING the deaths of innocent people." -- Lex Luthor

Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of. -- David Moser

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I
am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. -- Chang-tzu

"Do you know what Freud said about dreams of flying? It means you're really
dreaming about having sex."
"Indeed? Tell me, then, what does it mean when you dream about having sex?"
-- Morpheus and Rose Walker

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately,
Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer,
you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
make it easier to do don't need to be done. -- Andy Rooney

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs

A physicist visits a colleague and notices a horseshoe hanging on the wall
above the entrance. "Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck?" he
asks. "No," replies the colleague, "but I've been told that it works even if
you don't believe in it." -- Told by Niels Bohrs

Pluralitas non ponenda est sine necessitate.
(Multiplicity is not to be asserted when it is unnecessary.)
-- William of Occam [Occam's Razor]

Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
-- Mark Twain

Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count
the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and
then misapplying the wrong remedies. -- Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid
enough to want the job. -- Erma Bombeck

Never trust anybody who says "trust me." Except just this once, of course.
-- John Varley, "Steel Beach"

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx

The Great Roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a
lion, though not the same lion. -- Woody Allen

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul
of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
yak. -- Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some
pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you
can only rage impotently against your persecutors. -- Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. -- Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation---it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there
must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep
better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one
of the best. -- Woody Allen

In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility,
and this assumption was correct, as it always is. -- H. L. Mencken

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve
to get it good and hard. -- H. L. Mencken

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent
many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- George Bernard Shaw

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
-- Steven Wright

In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and
where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then
forget it". -- Steven Wright

To my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement
this book would have been completed in half the time. -- P.G. Wodehouse
-- [Quoted in Pepper's _The Wit and Wisdom of the 20th Century_,
p.199, #14]

We now present the conclusion of...The Never-ending Story.
-- From a cable TV broadcast of the movie

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
-- e e cummings, _Somewhere I have Never Travelled_

Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-- Shakespeare, _Macbeth_

KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars,
we'll play any song you want. Guaranteed.

Playing a billion in a row on KRQR, the station that doesn't count too good.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher-safe? -- Herb Caen, S. F. Chronicle, 8/12/93

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-- G. K. Chesterton

On the business front, UNIX has been under attack from a variety of sources,
primarily by the nonexistant Windows NT. Luckily, the UNIX vendors have their
own nonexistant products with which to answer the threat.
-- Stephen C. Johnson, President (Usenix)

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet.
Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants.
C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can
say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'. -- Carl Shipley

USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people.
And flame them. -- Dan Sorenson

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in
which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced
with new weaknesses.
-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
-- Mac System 7.0b1 error message

The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and
apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. -- Lew Mammel, Jr.

Unix is not a "A-ha" experience, it is more of a "holy-s**t" experience.
-- Colin McFadyen in alt.folklore.computers

A distributed system is one that stops you from getting any work done when a
machine you've never even heard of crashes. -- Leslie Lamport (Attributed)

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald Knuth

Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you
take into account Hofstadter's law. -- Hofstadter's law (Douglas Hofstadter)

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so
simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make
it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- C. A. R. Hoare

When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is. -- A. Rand

People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it
is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion.
-- H. Kendall

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge
roughly comparable to herding cats.
-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would
have changed the history of music...and of aviation. -- Tom Stoppard

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100
million, that's the bank's problem. -- John Paul Getty

The hypochondriac's epitaph: "NOW will you believe me?"

Evelyn Waugh, when Randolph Churchill had a benign tumour removed from his
lung: "It seems to me to be a typical triumph of modern science to find the
only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it."

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep
personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was
killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Joseph Heller, _Catch-22_

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the
extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children
smart. -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

[The shooting in Yosemite] would never have happened if we had exercised our
right to arm bears.

I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest, with an axe.

What's the difference between an egg?

But be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve
greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
-- Shakespeare, _Twelfth Night_ [II.v]

University President: "Why is it that you physicists always require so much
expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but
money for paper, pencils, and erasers...and the Department of Philosophy is
better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers." -- [Told by Isaac Asimov]

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at
it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. -- Poul Anderson

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
make it easier to do don't need to be done. -- Andy Rooney

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to
achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such
statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.
-- John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside. -- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld

It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented
thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common
computer protocol occured in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when
Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea... -- Tom Galloway

Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones
in movies. -- Bill Bulko

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
-- E. W. Dijkstra

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you
to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent
champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -- P. J. O'Rourke

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.
-- Hughes Mearns, _The Psychoed_

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom. -- H. L. Mencken

Company slogan: The Mandatory Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves.

There was a young lady of Crewe
whose limericks stopped at line two.

You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are
even dumber than THAT. -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

If I were meta-agnostic, I'd be confused over whether I'm agnostic or not---but
I'm not quite sure if I feel that way; hence I must be meta-meta-agnostic (I
guess). -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, _Godel, Escher, Bach_

[Blackadder, _Duel and Duality_]
Edmund Blackadder: "After all, did not Our Lord send a lowly earthworm to
comfort Moses in his torment?"
Prince George: "No."

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.
-- John Gillespie Magee

[_Jurassic Park_]
Ian Malcolm: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs.
God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs."
Ellie Sattler: "Dinosaurs...eat man. Woman inherits the Earth."

"But John, when the Pirates of the Carribbean breaks down, the pirates don't
eat the tourists." -- Ian Malcolm, _Jurassic Park_

Death: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Ellen Hubbard

"Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away!
Death *really* hates that." -- Doctor, Doctor

"Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the deaths
of innocent people?"
Lex Luthor: "No...by CAUSING the deaths of innocent people."

Ros: Do you think death could possibly be a boat?
Guil: No, no, no...Death is...not. Death isn't. You take my meaning. Death
is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can't not-be on a boat.
Ros: I've frequently not been on boats.
Guil: No, no, no---what you've been is not on boats.
-- Tom Stoppard

The only problem
with Haiku is that you just
get started and then

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, however, there is.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock Knock...

If the car industry behaved like the computer industry over the last 30 years,
a Rolls-Royce would cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and blow up once a year
killing all passengers inside.

In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long has he has income and
she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash

[On the difference between political life and academic life:]
In Washington, it's dog eat dog. In academia, it's exactly the opposite.
-- Robert Reich, Secretary of Labor and Harvard lecturer, on NPR

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was
true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because
I had lost my glasses. -- Michael Dorris, _The Broken Cord_

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
-- William Shakespeare, _Romeo and Juliet_, II, ii, 184
Wisdom is like an open oven: The food is gone, but the heat remains.

Cold hands, warm feet.

Bend a carrot if you will, but a turnip will never bend.

Neither a panhandler nor a Laplander be.

Do not remove a fly from a friend's forehead with a chopstick.

Elephants never forget, but you seldom see a kangaroo with a zipper.

A dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer.

A thrifty housewife always peels potatoes twice.

Even the most wrinkled prune has a pit.

Look not to the windmill's turning while the ant still burrows.

Sans mariage, l'amour est un souffle au fromage.
[Without marriage, love is a cheese souffle.]

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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