h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi there, Goddee-boy, pleased to have you with us

I haven't been over at douglasadams.com for a while, so I'm afraid there has been a certain decrease in my rep as notorious lounge-lizard and firstclass playfrood

Well, what the smeg, welcome to H2G2, anyhow!

God, me old adversary.
Satan here.
How have you been you old git?
Performed any good miracles lately?
Liked you work in Turkey, rescuing all those people, weeks after my best ever earthquake
I still haven't sorted out our little Bob Monkhouse problem.
Can't you just do a good old fashioned "fire and brimstone" on him??

Catch you later
Beelzebub
xx

p.s. Fancy a pint down the "Ethereal Arms" later?

~Greebo gets down on her knees... (highly difficult for a cat)...~

Please God... let me have doughnuts!!!

I thought you would come out of the woodwork sooner rather than later.
Still using aliases I see; at least it's not the old snake routine. Still not up to your last incarnation 'Margaret Thatcher', though.

You may have won the last 1999 games of celestial chess, but there is life in this old boy yet. Just because your up to 10 billion souls & counting, doesn't meaning the fat lady's running through the scales for a matinee performance. You may have more souls for your 'infernal' work, but this old dog getting hands on again, getting back to old solid principles of fire & brimstone; join the club or become human equivalent of 'jiffy firelighters'.

The whole Turkish situation can be put down to faulty teutonic plates, if YOU had design your own Universe you would see that with the millions of billions of calculations, (alright it would be pointless to give you the correct figure, these forums are a nightmare to load already) things tend to go awry occassionally. Indeed; I still quite haven't worked out where to hook up the black holes to yet...

As far as Bob Monkhouse, surely you don't expect me to keep tabs on every cheesy talk-show/comedian host do you ? Just be thankful your not in America, nobody should have to out up with 'egregious' Regis...

- the REAL chairman of the board.

Well Greebo, as cat's don't go to heaven, and therefore I can't claim divine right over your soul.

No you may not have a donut...

- ...and 'halo' to you.

But... me wants a doughnut.... ~Greebo rummages in her Garfield backpack~... look... me brought you some Angel Cakes that me made... ~ingratiating grin~

So you can't look after every talk show host at once??
I thought you were some kind of omni-present, omnipotent being.
You are a fake!!!
Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!!!

Oh deary me... ~hopeful grin~... lets not get all nasty about this... lets sit down and talk about something far more interesting... like... er... doughnuts...

Since we have you both here, could you tell us, which one of you actually created the do'h-nut? God or Beelzebub?

Well now I'm offended.

Donuts are my invention...MAKE NO MISTAKE. Years of continually being at the metaphysical office without rest or as much as a break. You need something tied you over, given that there's not much soul cake to go round up here of late...

If Greebo wants a donut, there is now a 20 mile diameter donut now orbiting around Mars; which just now has been claimed by the little green men who I also just created (just to give rise to fear and apprehension amongst the minds of heathen masses on Earth, and for the er...sheer hell of it).

This little 'in-joke' is just a measure of how mindbogglingly impressive I am.

In regards to the Talkshow's Question, I know they are present but I simply wish to deny they exist (like anyone with a mentality above that of rodents, and I'm sorry to say cats)

- a trillion, billion years and still going strong.

Hmmm... me knows me don't exist... ~grin~... after all... if me believed that me existed and only ate doughnuts and drank milk... then me would not be a very well puddy tat me thinks... but then... as me doesn't really exist... only in the imaginations of those who think they know me... then me is purrrrfectly ok...

Come to think of it... what is a God??? Hmmm... a being who exists only in the imaginations of his/her worshippers.... ~Greebo does a little mental arithmatic~... Does that make me a God???? ... For as you say me not really exists... only people think me exists... that makes me only here through the will of people who believe in me... just like you actually... ~grin~.... hmmm... now we have a problem... don't you think????

If you are a God through the belief of your fellow researcher... than surely me one too... unless YOU are not a real GOD... which would make you a blasphemer... and therefore bound to die in the very pits of hell that spawned you...

Have a nice day now!!!! ~grin~

Well, quite an articulate moggy after all.

But, I'm afraid you must have swallowed a rather large furball. I exist, therefore I am, said some rather sage person. But, without me you wouldn't exist to cast dispersions upon my SUPREME!?! abilities.

* takes a moment to compose himself for the Cecil B DeMille/Charlton Heston kind of sub-sonic, earth rumble of a voice; that usually has the desired effect *

* well at least on burrowing rodents *

I created all, I can take it all away...!!!

* stands impervious to the slings and arrows of the rampant atheists, who really should no better, sheesh, the nerve of them, touting their 'oh, I'm so amazingly brilliant that I no longer need a guy in ethereal robes telling me the way it is' like some demented teenage prodigy, mind you I had the same problem with J.C, always banging on whether the whole fire'n'brimstone approach was a bit old hat & that peace 'n' love was the new hip thing daddyio; think I might be rambling a bit, perhaps I had better sought out the tradjectory of some of those stray asteroids heading to Earth, no they couldn't be bothered to put 10 million dollars to the side for the research, let them deal with it... oh fiddlesticks, conscience is a terrible thing, but when your omni-conscious it can leave a nasty pain down your left side *

- voted best lego builder in the Pan-Dimensional Playschool

~Greebo laughs in the face of God..~

Me likes you... you are sooooooo snuggly... ~grin~... and surely... ~Grin~... do you mind if me calls you Shirley??? ... old joke me knows... but me can't help it... ~bigger grin~...

Anyway back to my point... hmmm... and surely you realise that the only way to make me not exist is to eliminate all those that make me exist through their imaginations... and if you do that... then you also get rid of the very people that make YOU exist... ~Greebo nods~

Come on... share the universe with me... and lets be friends... ~friendly grin~... lets not fall out over a little thing like this...

OK. So God may have invented donuts but who do you think made them leak jam all over your clean shirt & trousers??
And leave sugar all over your face??
And only come in bags of six or more to make you fat and sick??

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc etc

I have the power!!
B. Elzebub

* GOD - almighty enters the room, with the fanfare normally associated with jobs of leadership & power *

* Reads the fore-mentioned messages from the Cat & the 'infernal' one *

* the following picture might be far to existential for many readers; but I would be failing in my duties as narrator if I didn't at least have a crack at it *

* so...*

* imagine two volcanoes conveniently fitted as earmuffs, and you would be some way to envisioning what the immortal ones ears were engaged in doing *

* While your at it, you can have a stab at coalescing the image of streams of steam coming out of volcanic vents on the other side of the world eminating from his nostils *

* the more perceptive of you might be able to pick up the feature not dissimilar to white marble with an rather odd blood red veins wending their way through it. I mention this for this best approximates what GOD's eyes are doing *

Right St.Peter, cross them off the Christmas card list - PRONTO!!!

- will have his cake & eat it. (even if it's a donut instead)

~grin~... come now God... my good and dear chum... are we not friendly enough that you could call me Greebo... or Greebz if your prefer... Cat is so... er... well... its ok... if you have a small mind... that can't think of anything better... ~grin~..

Now... now... before you sink a couple of small islands... me knows you havn't got a small mind... you are so big and brave and truely amazingly wonderful... ~grin~

STOP PRAISING THE ALMIGHTY !!!!
He is almighty alright!
An almighty pain in the a**!
He's just a big poof really!!

Jealously, I have found to be an wonderful motivating factor in the truly malevolent. Take Sadam Hussein; he was always banging on to my comrade Allah that his arsenal always went 'fizzed' at precisely the wrong time, that the U.S always had generals with style & elan (whenever he marched out on parade he felt an overwhelming sense of deja vu as he looked like he had turned-up to a fancy dress party, where the only rule of thumb was they had to come dressed as Sadam Hussein) and that he felt rather impotent in the face of the U.S's phallic shaped, well endowed, go off with a bang, tomahawk missiles ( until the U.N finally got through his montly supply of Viagra that is).

* as with most people with a million, billion other things on his mind, he usually takes the 'long way' when bring his point home; if indeed he isn't distracted by the said million of billion other things that is, but I digress... *

Really you could have had the skill to create donuts, but you didn't.

So...

* dances a little jig VERY unbecoming of a deity *

Na...na,na...na...na..nar!!!

* feels quite self-conscious, which you can imagine probes every nook and cranny of one's soul if your an omni-conscious being (an eye-opener more akinned to opening the blinds on a gloriously sunny day after an all-night bender, if you were to elaborate beyond the point where you lose the clarity & precision of thread's main point, er...) *

Poof! I'll give you poof !!!

* waves his hands majestically, (well so what if I used a little artistic licence, It's hardly the narrator's place to say 'the old stager tried feebly to lift his arm and hoped against hope that the 'majik' would happen one more time...) with that florish the 'infernal' one vanished in a cloud of smoke, that, as it happens went 'poof' (or otherwise things may have seemed a little vague), and the devil had reappeared transmogrified into a reject from the Village People auditions (the male hairdresser as it happens) *

* GOD - almighty looked on, and behold - his handy work was good *

* he reached down carefully and looked upon the cat, he had the sneaking suspicion that it was a plant, a 'metaphyiscal joke' from his celestial buddies. As the cats he had designed certainly didn't type, talk, have any concept of religion or indeed philosophize about the bigger issues such as whether the 'aquisition of donuts was the highest goal in a civilization' or whether 'it was smarter to have an half-way bet on the existence of a god; just to be on the safe side...' *

Does Greebo want another donut ?

What a good puddy !

Yes, you are !

Yes, you are !

- honestly; Job just doesn't have a sense of humour.

I can't believe you thought you could destroy me, God.
If you get rid of me (i.e. EVIL)then you also remove your main reason for exisitng at all.
Kill me and you Kill yourself!
If there is no Evil/Hell/Devil then why bother having Good/Heaven/God.
Didn't think of that did you , oh "Mighty" One.
For a God you're very thick!!

Me wouldn't say no to another doughnut... ~grin~... Hmmm... this is very distressing you know... watching two anthropomorphic personifications fighting like this... ~grin...~ might not have spelt that right.. but then as my good and dear chum... the snuggly god said, that cats were nit made to write...

If this is to continue... more doughnuts are required... and please don't forget a nice cold glass of milk and a straw....