h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So have I. Damn.
Here's an odd thing; the most frightening thing to have happened so far in RE3 is this bit in an alley where you turn a corner and there's an open window with billowing curtains. And I thought the curtains were some weird new kind of scary flying mutant, and I ran like hell. You can imagine how disappointed I was when I came back with the shotgun, only to find that the "curtains" were just part of some sort of Licker-type thing that was hanging its arse out the window. It died easily.

Lickers aren't meant to do that!!! They're meant to leap out and scare you and put up a fight. Useless things

I'm getting a friend registered with h2g2 tomoroow, so I may be able to get 10 minutes on Resi3. But I'm going to see the Pokemon movie shortly afterwards

Pokemon? I tried watching Pokemon on Sky again today. I got a nosebleed.
Yeah, there hasn't been a great deal of Licker-jumping-out-type action thus far in the game. Plenty of zombies busting out of cars and falling out of windows, but the lickers and other stuff just... sort of turn up. Not so much "GRRRAAAAGH!" as "Oh... It's you. Tch!".

"Don't mind me, I'm just a Licker going to work. i'm not after you, he is down there..."

I am so excited now. Today is a busy day for me

Yeah. Tell you what scares me about the Resi games - when you've played them for a while, you realise that the whole game's a bit like a BASIC program. You know:

IF player takes "Oil-Rape Seed Oil" THEN make "Nemesis" smash through ceiling

IF player has been here > once THEN give player heart attack

So, when you pick something up... It's tense. You're on guard against whatever the game will put behind the door of the room where you got the battery/crank/whatever. Brilliant.
How was the scary film, then?

I get the impression from your page that some heavy s**t happened on Saturday, so if my last question pissed you off I apologise. I only said that because that day I went to see Lake Placid and it struck me that Pokemon: the First Movie was probably a more frightening film, unlikely as that may seem.
Resident Evil 3, it turns out, has vast amounts of potential for the kind of fun speculation we discussed above. I think you'll really enjoy it.

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Sorry to hear about Saturday. Sounds like a bad scene.
Lake Placid... is seriously odd. It's almost like it's a family "horror" film, like Tremors or Aracnophobia, but it has frequent, vigourous and imaginative swearing, a massively impressive gun that fires a cannon shell, and a bit where a guy's head is sawn clean off by a crocodile. It's about a lake in New England that has a 30-foot long croc living in it. And pretty much every possible scenario that that situation conjures up in your mind happens. Honest. So on the one hand it's as corny as hell, but against that it's got a great script and cool acting, and a bit where the woman who played Rose off of The Golden Girls screams "Yer'all a bunch of cocksuckers!" at some coppers. Fun film.

I thought it was about a croc. Apparently a bloke gets bitten and his head pops off.
I just totally hate the name of the film though...

If it's set in England, then it'll be cool

Sadly, it ain't set in England. Though that would be cool! The only way it could be cooler than that is if it came out of people's toilets. Crude, obvious and impossible for a 30-foot-long crocodile to do, but, man... it'd still rock.
There's a nice bit (Right at the start, so it won't really spoil anything) where a smarmy smart-arse diver ends up with no arse at all - or legs, or a lower body.

In england, you get squirrels who hide under toilet seats and bite peoples arses

Just how many people die in the film then?

Just two. Majorly disappointing, cause the others all have major cheat-death capabilities. One guy survives the croco eating major portions of his helicopter - twice. Too light-hearted.
As for the squirrels... the hell? Squirrels where I am (Wolverhampton)don't do that kind of thing. They're happy to run around the garden and eat rats. Has this squirrel-and-toilet thing happened to you?

Now, you hear it in the news on the radio and that, when they talk about freaky things happening. It's happened at least once to somebody.
On this bus we was on in Australia, the driver was telling us how somebody opened the door for the bus's toilet and found a great big tarantula sitting on the seat. If I saw that then any defecating I'd intended to do would just happen on the spot X-O

My mate Ed Hunter's got Resident Evil: Survivor thing, with the lightgun. To be honest, it's a bit awkward and cliched

It sounded difficult, all that faffing about moving and picking up stuff with the light gun. They should have made it in the style of Quake. Them gimp mutant soldiers look cool, though. Any cool Umbrella dodgy stuff in it so far? Any facehugger rip-offs?
I remember seeing in the papers about a thing that happened to this kid, where a fox "with glowing red eyes" somehow got into his bedroom and attacked him while he has having a kip. And his mum had to come in and beat the thing sternly 'till it jumped out a window. But the bedroom was on the first floor... and why did the fox's eyes glow? Scary.

I guess you'd get used to the movement, the biggest problem I had was shooting! You move around by holding down the trigger, and once we were done walking we couldn't actually shoot. But one of my mates just takes the gun out of our hands and pulls the trigger and the gun fires. Why it works for him and not for us I do not know

Only seen my friends plodding around a church so far. There's been a few relevations in a diary we found but little else. Time will reveal all however...

Now, this focks...was this at night? Cos the glowing eyes could be caused by light reflecting and stuff.

Yeah, really late at night. What was going on there, I just don't know. How did it get in the house, and why did it attack the kid? Reminded me of the the kind of shit Dracula used to pull off. Hell, maybe they imagined it, or just made it all up to get in the papers.>
Actually... (dramatic pause) I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF RESIDENT EVIL: SURVIVOR. And you know how I know? Because I read a preview (a "preview", for God's sake!) in a Playstation magazine, and they told you the ending. How thick can they be? And they said how RE3 ended as well - the month after they reviewed it. Talentless fools. Good job I've forgotten the details about that.

I think you'll be hiding that magazine for a while. Don't tell me a thing!

I reckon I have a rational explanation for the fox business. I guess these people overreacted to it. Fools

What do you reckoned happened then? I ain't doubting you, 'cause it seems highly likely that they overreacted. I'm just wondering what you think.
What about Dino Crisis? I wanted that for ages, and then it came out and... I lost interest. I don't know why.

Ok, so this kid's bedroom was on the first floor...not the ground floor, right. Any way the fix could have climbed up the wall into an open window (up vines and the like). Actually, that's very unlikely.
Some people are in the habit of leaving their front door open...did these dudes do it? Any way the fox could have got in?
So the fox goes in, snoops around, finds a kid in his bed and attacks him. Maybe he wants to sleep in the bed?
Glowing red eyes...lights, in the dark, reflecting off eyes...

I don't like the look of Dino Crisis. Looks dull.

Aha! Yeah, I can see that happening. Damn people, over-reacting!
Dino Crisis... is a real puzzler. I was excited when they announced it, since it was by the RE2 people, and it had guns, explosions and dodgy scientific experimentation on a deserted island. All very good things. But... The trouble is, instead of never knowing what horrific monster you're going to face in the next room or street, in Dino Crisis, you know exactly. It's another dinosaur. And, even if it's been created though unholy genetic processes by an exciting international scientific conspiricy, it's STILL A FRIGGING DINOSAUR. Only one on the scene at a time, as well. Sigh. It was a let-down, pure and simple.