The Man They Called Sparkles

My name's Phil, I'm 19 years old, and if I still don't know what El Nino is.

If I seem depressed tonight I'd like to apologize in advance. See, my dog died almost seven years ago. What can I say, I got attached. Back then my dog was the only friend I had that didn't try to trip me or make me eat worms. No, my dog was above that. He just knocked me over and bit me a lot.

No, actually my dog liked me. A part of me, anyway. My dog liked my leg. I didn't know what he was doing, I was young. I thought he was trying to shimmy up to eye level so we could have a staring contest. He wanted to be close to me, it was flattering. It took one of my dullard friends to enlighten me as to what he was doing, and to tell the truth it shocked the hell out of me. I confronted my dog about it. He got all defensive, he dodged the question. Things were awkward every time we passed each other after that. Neither of us could really think of anything to say, so we just sort of nodded and looked away. He stopped returning my leg's phone calls.

My dog died when I was young, and that's sad. That's a sad thing for a little kid to have to deal with. And it never goes away as I get older, it just gets sad for different reasons. When I was young it was sad that the only quality time we ever spent together was him romancing my kneecap. And now that I'm older it's sad because that's still the best sex I've ever had.

You never forget your first time, eh?

What a damn shame that is. I'd do anything to forget my first time with a human, but because it was my first time it's brandished up here forever. The only consolation is that there's always the chance SHE'LL forget about it, unless of course you also never forget your four-hundred sixteenth time.

Yeah, she was pretty noticably promiscuous, but I didn't care. I was still proud that she chose me from a sea of thousands. It was a pretty ridiculous thing to be proud of, though. Even if she hadn't approached me and romanced me the way she did, even if she didn't bother to pay me any mind at all just then, it was only a matter of time before she just ditched the whole seduction thing and just went door to door.

"Can I interest you in some girl scout cookies? No? A set of knives that can cut through a sneaker? No? Mormonism? How about some mindless, horrible sex?"

I shouldn't joke about it, though. We've all got something to offer this world, and who am I to judge if that's her own unique talent? Besides, unlike most people, she can get into some terrible accident and be decapitated from the waist up, and not have her ability to perform affected one bit.


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Harmonic Avenger Jan 20, 2000 Jan 22, 2000


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