h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

1999 Chevy Monte Carlo

Posted Feb 1, 2009

This won't be put up as a guide entry because I use a lot of "I's" and "mine's" because it is my car. This is my very first car review, and looking back. Its laughably bad!
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So, your just out of high school, have some money from a part time job you worked and you dad will not borrow his station wagon to you anymore. Now you’re in the market for a car and my first recommendation to you would to get yourself a Volkswagen or even a Toyota, but if your heart compels you, you can settle for the following and be all right.

For twenty-nine hundred dollars you can have this: a 1999 Chevrolet Monte Carlo LS. Used, obviously. As a new driver would you honestly trust yourself with a brand new piece of car? Unless it is a Geo Metro, which by all means, put up a tree or wrap it around a telephone pole.

The Monte Carlo is by no means the best option but by the same token it is not the worst. If you’re the type of soulless chap who just needs something to get him to work or school and back, then this is your vehicle. For those looking for a little more for their money look elsewhere.

We’ll start on the outside, which isn’t much. There’s absolutely nothing on this vehicle that says “look at me” or “I’m important.” Not even so much as “at least I tried.” Its not ugly, like that new Cobalt Chevy is just chucking out now, but it’s not pretty either. The eye just flows over the shapes and contours of the body and onto the BMW that’s probably passing you up. And that useless little hint at a spoiler absolutely ruins it and makes it look half-assed.

The interior at least is black, so if you’re driving along at night no one can see how the middle console is laid out. There’s only one cup holder. One! It’s my belief that no car should have cup holders, but if you’re only going to put in one, in a five seater, there has to be something clinically wrong with you. The actual leather seats are a nice touch I must say, though the back support is non-existent. There is a rev counter for no apparent reason and an on-off switch for the headlights for no reason as well, they are always on. At least unlike the BMW M5 the indicators self-cancel, and they must have let the kindergartener’s measure out the interior, as nothing seems to want to mesh. And like the outside and every single American car I’ve ever driven, it’s half-assed. Don’t even start me on the sound system…

The power plant is a measly little 160 brake horsepower V-6, which gets it to a top speed of seven. The Z34 option gives you 40 more horses but that is still hardly enough to redeem this cars faults. There also is a manufacturing defect in certain models that will leak rust into the coolant, and subsequently clog the radiator. The modem for transferring this power to the road is through a 4 speed automatic gearbox. Even in the Z34, there is no manual to be had. At one hundred thousand miles, I won’t give the transmission much longer. From there the power goes to the two front wheels, yes, the front ones. Both models have front wheel drive, which is reserved for the weak at heart. It doesn’t even make a passable noise. The throttle response is sluggish at best and if you want to get any sort of forward motion you must bury your foot deep into the carpet. The brakes on the other hand are probably the best part of the car. They are quite responsive and are able to get the car to a halt quickly. I would recommend the most gripping tires you can for this car as any sort of moisture on the roads will result in useless wheel spin off the line.

I’ll put it this way: In summary, if you want a good reliable car that will last you forever, you will get a Nissan, or Toyota, or Volkswagen, or Mazda… If you want a rubbish car built by a bunch of lazy designers who put no love into their work and chuck out useless machines and then demand a “bail-out” plan when they make no profit from their disgusting, awful, horrid, vomit-inducing excuses for automobiles, then you will buy this car.
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but honestly, i am nitpicking. awfully
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As much as I hate myself for nitpicking in that review of my own car, I went about it as professionally as possible. I detached any emotion there was stored for it and set about judging it like a senior class project (if i had gone my senior year of high school). I didn't put it up against a bimmer or jag, just took it at face value.

Truth is, I love that little car. With its lazy throttle and its gearbox that seems to hate to change smoothly. Its because, no matter if its useless or just awful in every way possible it still is there for you. It still starts up in the morning when you want to go somewhere. It, for the next month or so, still is my car. And if you treat it well, it will be there for you. It hasn't ever put me in a ditch or wrapped itself round a telephone pole. The most annoying this is that deer are magnetically drawn to it whenever i stop it on Y40. They are obsessed with denting the side panels in. You want to be nice to it, give it the high octane petrol, the synthetic oil, because you think if you are nice to it, it will be nice to you.

That Monte Carlo, or as its been re designated, Monte Carl, may just have a soul after all...

But, sadly, that soul is going to purgatory. It wasn't good enough for the pearly gates, though its sins hardly mandate it for eternity in a lake of fire.

Therefore, in the next week or so, it will be helping me in a little adventure. To find the best driving road in Iowa and also the best one in Wisconsin. It would only be doing it a service. One last final fling. One last joyride, before it is sold into service as a meager transportation device. It is a sports car. Its not meant to just lolly about in davenport shuffling its owners to the stores. It was built to take corners at high speeds, peel out at stop lights, go really fast. It should have one last drive...

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Latest reply: Feb 1, 2009