Journal Entries
Party's over, now go back...
Posted Jan 18, 2009
except, I'll have to move on again within the next month or so, and I have nowhere to GO. I feel now that I should never have moved north last year, but should have stayed to face my troubles. I *might* have been able to find a place at the local homeless shelter -- while I was still a resident of L.A. County. Now, I'll have to get to the back of the line, like everyone else, and re-establish residency.
I feel like all manner of FAIL, that I haven't succeeded in taking care of myself, at finding work and progressing with my case. Don't know how I could have made the US Govt get arsed to give me a hearing date any faster, no matter how much the roomie thinks it'll help to call every other day, but maybe if I'd been able to hide my health history I could have gotten a job. Whatever. I've finally hit the wall; all this anxiety is making my chest hurt.
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Latest reply: Jan 18, 2009
Party's over...
Posted Jan 18, 2009
So, it's almost over, and now I'm *scared*.
I have to move within the next month or so, and I have nowhere to GO. I feel as though I should never have moved north, but should have faced this last year, when I might have been able to find a place at the local nomeless shelter -- while I was still a resident of L.S. County. Now, I'll have to get to the back of the line, like everyone else.
I feel like I've failed in a very basic way and that it's my fault that I haven't succeeded in taking care of myself (when Michael was sick, I took care of both of us), finding work or progressing with my case. Whatever, I've finally hit the wall. I've never felt so *anxious* in my life, and my blood pressure is making my chest hurt.
Hopeing Freddy goes away SOON.
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Latest reply: Jan 18, 2009
An Early Crimbo Pressie!
Posted Dec 13, 2008
I got asked to house sit for a month for a friend, who's going to China, so I'll be HOME over Christmas! Best present ever.
I'm so happy, I didn't even ask if I'm getting paid! 
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Latest reply: Dec 13, 2008
And Now It's NINE...HooTooversaries
Posted Nov 9, 2008
OMG, time flies when you're...er, busy or at least preoccupied.
On November 5th, I've been on HooToo for 9 years. Why, that's almost but not nearly long enough to be a decade.
A lot has happened, the past 4 1/2 years of it not so good. But I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere -- even if I'm not *here* as much.
Lovely people I've met here, and hope to meet many more. 
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Latest reply: Nov 9, 2008
Epiphany, or My Doh! Moment
Posted Jul 13, 2008
The Weight Watchers Points™ system calculates the calories, fat and fiber of a food, to give an approximation of it’s density versus calories. But I don’t think it works over the long haul, ultimately. With some people it’s cookies, with some it’s crisps, with others it’s Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Bar -- it’s really not about the points. Whichever irresistible food it is, for that food it’s not about hunger at all.
Part of it is that we don’t tend to TASTE what we eat anymore. We ate something once and we felt good afterward, so when we need to feel comforted, we go back to that food, unconsciously looking for the same emotional boost. When it’s a bad hair (or traffic or boss) day and we’re looking for comfort, no amount of anything will be enough – we eat so we’re not jittery or angry or stressed anymore.
Now, back to ME. While following the WW plan, I found myself thinking, “Okay, I’ve got X# points I can eat today…how can I maximize the food I choose so I won’t be hungry?” You can see the problem with this already, can’t you? I ate carrots and celery so much to feel “full”, that I crunched when I moved, and “contributed” more to the atmosphere, to boot! 
I was a member of WW for years, off and on. The last time, over 10 weeks last year, I lost 6 pounds overall, with a couple of weekly reverses. I was down from where I started, but I got very discouraged from the yo-yo effect. After I dropped out the last time, within five weeks, I lost 8 more pounds – with NO yo-yoing.
I felt compelled to stop WW when I realized that over the past two years, since my heart attack, I had already lost 30 pounds without being on what most people would call a “diet”, and before even joining WW the last time.
Besides the obvious fear factor over my eating habits that got me into that health crisis, I couldn’t walk as well, and everything was so much more effort. Usually, in the past, I’ve eaten far more than I wanted, just because it was already in the bowl, or there was still some in the bag! Of course, there was also the guilt trip from when I was a kid – it’s “wrong” to not clean the plate, don’t you know that Children In Europe are starving? (I suspect they’re eating better now, so I should relax 
).
Light bulb moment: Why not eat a little less, then if I have to, go back for a little more? Most of the time I returned for more, to discover I didn’t want it by the time I got there.
If you follow Michael Pollan’s sage advice, “Eat food, not too much, mostly vegetables” to handle your physical hunger (7 words that took him two whole books to come up with!), you can always get a teddy bear or a Wii or a Porsche to deal with the monsters under the bed.
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Latest reply: Jul 13, 2008
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