A Conversation for The Alternative Writing Workshop
A75902790 - Bank Heist
jzzyprin93 Started conversation Oct 21, 2010
Entry: Bank Heist - A75902790
Author: jzzyprin93 - U14600827
please read my first draft and comment.
A75902790 - Bank Heist
Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor Posted Oct 21, 2010
You definitely need to break up the last paragraph. I got totally confused and missed the arrival of the second co-conspirator. 
Use one line each for the dialogue, and make sure we know who's speaking.
It's a start. I like the idea of explaining *why* your character wants to become a bank robber. And I love the idea of using childhood friends who aren't very well-equipped for the job.
Take it a step at a time, and I think you have something here. 
A75902790 - Bank Heist
minorvogonpoet Posted Oct 24, 2010
This sounds like the beginning of a very funny story. I like the improbable conspirators.
But I think you need to build up the scene where they meet a bit more. What is the place like? What does Tasha look like? What about the others? What are they doing while they talk?
And I want to know what the plot is! The more implausible the better 
A75902790 - Bank Heist
aka Bel - A87832164 Posted Oct 24, 2010
The references to things that went wrong in the past made me laugh.
Watch your tenses - there's a lot of changing of tenses in it.
Read it aloud and try to pick up your mistakes.
Key: Complain about this post
A75902790 - Bank Heist
More Conversations for The Alternative Writing Workshop
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."