h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Good Doctor and I - A87727846
Author: Pheroneous II - U186787

We find George in wartime Italy. He seems to have met up with Mrs P for reasons that I do not understand. I would ask any German, Austrian or Polish readers to forgive the cliches. I don't like the title - suggestions welcome. I thought of topping and tailing it with a narrator figure, but decided to leave the story bare.

This is good.

I'm not knowledgeable enough to be sure about the historical background (Dmitri would know) but it certainly conveys the confusion of wartime - the uncertainty about who are friends and who are enemies.

I was a bit perplexed about the whereabouts of Mrs P. When the story starts, she seems to be at a switchboard, presumably in a different building. At the end, she sems to be living with our narrator.

And what happens to the doctor and Mrs P at the end?

Some of the sentences are a bit awkward. For example, I didn't quite get the sense of the sentence beginning "I was a proud man but it had not rung."

As for the title, how about 'Friends and Enemies'?

This story confused me a lot, so please excuse the elaborate notes. I may just be failing to get it. I think it would help if you worked the date 1943 into the first paragraph. Then we'd guess the rest. A town or regional name might be helpful, as well.

>>would no doubt be sat<<

I dunno, is that standard? I would have said, 'would no doubt be sitting...'

>>I was a proiud man...<<

That's got me flummoxed, too. That sentence needs de-tangler.

>>in the four days it had been sat there<<

Same as before, I would rewrite it. Maybe the phone could be sitting there in solitary splendour, or something? Maybe Mrs P could be stationed in front of her switchboard?

>>stood beside him at the top of the staircase<<

Now, I'd definitely go for 'standing' here.

>>start vomiting her heart out <<

I wouldn't. How about 'retching miserably'? Or some such.

>>I went to see Paulo and told him what happened, once he had stopped grumbling about missing his lunch.<<

I'm sure Paolo would grumble about his lunch. Let him get it over with before you tell him what's happened. Otherwise, it sounds like Paolo didn't think the news was as important as his lunch.


Questions:

1. Why does the doctor leave the room? And why does she go upstairs? It seems unnecessary. Is she only going up there in order to witness something horrible? If she suspected something, should she not have: a. Waited and asked for help, or b. Done something other than scream? Or does she just scream because she's a woman, and that's what they do? (Not in World War Two, bud. Nope. Nossir.)

What I'm saying is, I think you need to motivate the discovery of the atrocity. If she hadn't expect this, screaming might be a reasonable reaction. But why did she go in there in the first place? Not a good idea, with armed soldiers all around.

Also, running out without screaming would have been my best guess.

2. Is it strictly necessary to have someone manhandle the doctor? The act seems both strangely unmotivated and counter to what is really going on.

Are you trying to give us a distraction? Make us think for a bit that the situation involves attempted rape rather than torturing a partisan?

3. What is confusing me is that I'm not sure if we've met the Kommandant before he shows up in the restaurant. If he's the man in the house, make that clear? If not, introduce him to us?

As usual, your story is exciting and full of action. Never a talking head in a Pheroneous tale.

Thank you both for taking the time etc.. I have slightly revised, and topped and tailed it with your comments in mind.

I have kept away from geography. It doesn't really matter where or when - the story is about people rather than events (I intend, anyway) and, anyway is completely and totally fictional. No such thing ever happened. You are told that it is somewhere not too far from Modena.

In the village below the ruin that will one day be the Pheroneous Tuscan Hideaway there is a building (formerly an hotel) and on the wall are two plaques. One remembers the rather weird Victorian lady novelist Ouida (of whom more another time) the other states that the building was used as a headquarters by the Nazis and that several partisans died there. It got me thinking about rural Italy in the war (a subject that has yet to come up in conversation locally), and how they would have reacted to the armies marching backwards and forwards up the valley. (It was a scene of some fierce fighting). Presumably some were fighting for and some against whichever army was passing through, and some wanted as little as possible to do with it all.

I like the framing narrative of this story now.

But you haven't answered the question why the doctor went upstairs. It seems to me the Germans might easily conclude she was a spy and shoot her on the spot. (Maybe she was a spy, in which case her attempt at spying is too blatant.)

The problem could be solved by changing the layout of the building. If they pass a closed room on the way to the boardroom and then the doctor, who isn't happy about collaborating, goes back towards the car and finds that the door to the room is now open?

Just an idea.

I agree: this is a much fuller story now, and we still need a motivation for the discovery.

I like it as well. Thanks for improving it by addressing some of the problems the others have mentioned.

Thanks MVP, I have used your idea. P

This is fine , except that you haven't carried it through!

You need to change the references to the doctor 'stumbling down the stairs', the boy soldier 'stood beside him at the top of the stairs',
the bald man 'came down the steps'.

Thanks MVG. Obviously my factory design skills are not as they should be. I will try again. P