h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: If I Should - A78663333
Author: sycloboy - U14708839

Isn't it interesting that, although I have read many love poems, one has to try and write one's own? I think I am trying to speak of that desperation that accompanies love - especially when one comes to it later in life. You have to accept that your beloved has had a life before you arrived, but it doesn't dampen the desire to possess in some way.

This is rather splendid. For me, the first three stanzas and the last one feel both authentic and moving.

The repetitions are effective - though they might read more easily if the second line of the first three stanzas started 'And if it should be"

I wonder if the third and fourth stanzas risk being a bit over the top. I'm not sure why death's finger is broken and whether you can 'blunt' a sting .

In the fourth stanza risks I would cut either 'blanketed', or 'pitchest'.

But I would be interested to see what Dmitri thinks.

I was mulling this one over, MVP. It's not working for me, but I felt responsible to try and figure out just why that was before I ventured to suggest anything. I think it's a combination of word choice and image.

I'd think that a sting was 'drawn', or maybe you need a different metaphor, because I'm not dealing with the 'still flailing arm of Death' too well. With or without broken finger - maybe a bony finger?

'blanketed pitchest black day' is not working for me, either. I'd go back and try for a 'less is more' solution. Definitely do not capitalise the world 'golden'. The stanza does not convince. Convince us of the depth and height of love either by understating it, or by stating it more starkly.

I see the intent here, and it's a worthy one. I don't feel it yet, though.

To me, love poems are dreadfully hard to write. If you describe your own personal feelings to your own satisfaction, that's fine - but the reader will not feel included. I don't feel included here. I think a successful love poem needs to make the reader feel that the poem is describing his/her own feelings. (Er, am I bringing up that dreaded concept, universality? Mebbe.)

I'm thinking about Barrett's poem 'How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways'. I think millions of people have decided her poem put something into words which they felt. You don't get any sense of what went on between her and Robert Browning. You just get distilled essence of 'I love you THIS much'. (Whether you think that poem is just right and beautiful, or overstated, probably depends on how old you are, and whether your gf has just dumped you for a ski instructor, but the idea is powerful.)

Hi. Thank you both for your comments, it's really useful to have responses that are so thoughtful. I do agree dimitri that there should be a universality to the all encompassing - dare I say 'classic' poem - That would be a grand thing to write! I'll take your thoughts on board and keep osting. Thank you.

(And watch )