h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Thystl, Bente and Sande - A5980377
Author: LLWaz - U123301

Perhaps it's karma, the way things appear just when they're needed most and so it is with this piece. Given the turmoil which currently surrounds this unique landscape I can think of no better time for such a submission than here and now.

Wow! This is stunning, multi-layered, reading in places more like poetry than prose. It certainly warrants several readings

And is this the place that Donald Trump wants to build a golf course on? Maybe in the fullness of time, the sands will move again....

If I can presume to make any crits, it is that the piece would work without the final footnote.

An intriguing story. I love what you made of it. The story of the sisters is told with force, and a real sense of another age. A lot of passion there, almost another kind of consciousness.

I have two criticisms, one substantial, one not.

The frame narrative is too long and purple for me, and I feel like I'm being hit over the head with the meaning of it all. If it were tighter and more suggestive, I'd feel less lectured to. (And I agree about the footnote.)

The really silly quibble: I'm horribly nearsighted, and I could hardly read the recurring line. Could you use a darker colour?

And if Donald Trump tries to build a golf course on that, I hope he falls into his own sand trap.

I agree that the recurring line could do with being a bit more legible.

Font colour changed a bit, but it doesn't feel right to have those words stand out too much so it's still fairly faint. Let me know if it's still too faint. I wasn't really sure if cutting them in with the intro bit and the beginning of the story worked - another reason for their being nearly invisible.

Thanks for the comments. It's been a while since I read this, I'll read it again with them in mind.

The story part is Pin's of course, which he gave me to use.

About Mr Trump. His plans are for an area south of Forvie, but bordering on it and not only on (partly) the same type of landscape but on part of the same dune system. Since the waves of dunes move north, tampering with the southern end of the system could starve the northern, Forvie, end of new sand. Also the shape of the Forvie reserve, particularly the estuary part, makes it very vulnerable imo to nearby development. If he builds on Balmedie, I could wish for another nine day storm.

I don't like his plans at all, but there are ways they could work - just not such a massive amount altogether and coming so close to the shore.

It's strange looking at this again. Maybe that great dune will keep Trump at bay yet. He may have permission but he still has to, should have to, abide by the rules that protect SSSIs. That dune system is an SSSI.

Font colour much more visible. My eyes thank you.

Your eyes are welcome

Right, footnote gone. Re-reading, you're right, it wasn't needed. (Though I have, for the time being left the whole original version on the end of the entry.)

I've also slimmed down the frame bit. I think. Perhaps not enough re the lecturing aspect?

Purple writing is an achievement for me , I think it's a shade less now though.

Forvie wouldn't be what it is if the village had survived. I wanted the frame to the story to suggest that, and show today's Forvie and not have an abrupt edge with the 500 year old part. But I really don't want to put anyone off the place with heavy-handedness.

So opinions on the changes would be appreciated.

At the moment that last paragraph feels a little light for the whole piece.

I've steered off commenting much Waz, because this is yours, but you're getting insistent.

So two observations about birds (what else?):

- I know you love those bin-bags, but they are a distraction and they should maybe wait on their own Entry. You need to keep the reader's thoughts on the scene. Don't invite tangents, particularly not before the set-up.

- Conversely, the skua was intended to give you a conduit from past to present. The fact you haven't taken it suggests to me that they're not really seen there, which would be a problem, because of the play on the device. Nonetheless, I think you should make a choice:
If you've ever seen a skua near the place, write it into your intro (perhaps even in place of the lapwings?).
If you've never seen one there, try writing it out entirely and see how things look. You might then feel that it needs an alternative device that actually fits, but first things first, right?

I think this version is tauter.

I agree with Dmitri that the skua should be included somewhere in the framing narrative, to link with the central story. If you wanted a mention of it in the conclusion, you could take out the reference to the buzzard instead, as you have mentioned the buzzards at the beginning.

As for the last para, how about putting a full stop after 'lightest'. The next sentence then starts 'piled' and continues to the end.

I'm trying out the full stop move

The bin bags, yes. I knew really, they very nearly went yesterday.

The skua, I'm thinking about it. I want to try and keep it, so I'll work on that direction first. I have seen skuas in the area - great and pomerine and I know there are arctic skuas passing through. Originally I had the intro from the skua's point of view, flying up the coast, taking a dim view of Aberdeen's Seaton Flats and industrial estates and rubbish tips... but couldn't carry it through.

For now I'll work on bringing him into the intro. The wildlife that is there was the commoner stuff so as not to imply there was no wildlife outside Forvie.

There is a skua in the concluding bit, but perhaps too hidden by other stuff. That buzzard again, maybe.