h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Keeper of Lies - A19181171
Author: mindchatham - U4880293

This is kind of based on a true story. Well, the man's part is.

It's not the best. Probably not even that good.

MC

It's a good idea.

But I'm confused. What did the man say in his songs that was so bad?

I think the story should back up, and give us a lyric or two.

And there's a big contrast between the language of the man's thoughts and the sort of highfalutin' talk of the fairy...I'd emphasize that more...

Well, sorry....I forgot to mention what he said. In reality it was in an interview that he was being, in my opinion, discriminatory.

I'll fix it. Don't worry.

Thank you!

MC

I agee that it's a good idea - a spirit who punishes people for unfairness and discrimination. However, you need to tell us more of our hero's story before he meets the fairy/ pixie. And I'd like to know more about her too. I'd imagined her in a flowing robe till I got to the last sentence - you can't stride in a flowing robe!

Sure you can, that's the best way to walk in a flowing robe. It billows out and looks cooler that way.

Hello,

I would like to start off by saying that your title is awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I liked it better than the actual story. Also, I don't really see what it has to do with the story. Who is the "Keeper of Lies?" No one's lying in this story. I admit, it sounds better than "Keeper of Unfair or Discriminatory Comments," but I was a little confused.

I do like the idea, but it's too short. I feel like it needs to be elaborated on more - not too much, mind you, just enough to make you care about the characters or make the point hit harder, maybe even surprise us more.

I also felt that it was too straightforward. It's just thrown out there; it lacks subtlty. For example:
"You disregard people who don't go about their business exactly like you do? It's what you said. Do you know what you implied by that? You suggested that every person alive should be an exact clone of you. Is that what you meant? Is that what you meant?"
This first thing the fairy says leaves me feeling like I've been hit over the head. It should have a blinking neon sign "This way to the moral of the story." There's also no argument, no chance for the man to defend himself, no other side. It's just laid out - wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

"You needed to learn a lesson. I'll stay with you until you change. Every time you fight the principle, you will be mysteriously injured. It'll look like you did it to yourself. If you give the facts no one will believe you. There is such a thing as bad publicity after all, isn't there?" - Same thing here. Fairies are usually more mysterious in their stories, they don't walk into a room and say, "Cinderella, you look like crap."

Also, it seems strange to me that the fairy deals with him so harshly after one comment, and not even one that's too harsh. Is the man a habitual biggot? Or is she just over-zealous? He needs a warning first, at least. Again, this could be delt with just by making it a bit longer, with more characterization.

As to technical problems, I've found a few:

"I don't think they should then be compared with any other artists." - The "Then here is unnecissary

"Deep and dark into the night" - Dark into the night doesn't really make sense. This could be: Deep into the dark of the night, or in the deep dark of the night, or what have you, but it's not working as is. It also should be followed by a comma

"The man was speechless, and thankfully so." - Why thankfully?

"If you hadn't have made the comment you made" - this is awkward. How about: if you hadn't made that comment

"Why won't you leave me be?" - this doesn't seem to fit with the man's voice

"Svaeille continued looking unoccupied." - I'd get rid of the gerund and use an infinitive here if I left the sentance in, which I wouldn't, because it doesn't make sense to me or add anything to the story.

The purpose of this message is not to be harsh--I'm just trying to help. Keep improving, and I hope to see the finished product.

I did try to extend the readers knowledge of the man, although I personally wouldn't consider him a hero.

I added some stuff that I originally wrote but decided not to put in when I first put it here.

I also saved the brutality for the hospital.

I'm sorry if it's a bit rough: I cut-and-pasted a lot.

MC

"the venue" - What is it? A club? A resteraunt? This is a throw away phrase. I would suggest either telling us what it is or taking it out - "near the bar."

"for what he considered too long." - At first I thouhgt, "did you want to say 'she' here?" But after reading down, I understood it. Maybe her watching him at the bar should not be unbeknownst to him. It just confused me until I read down farther.

I like the addition of this first section, it gives me a context and a picture, where the other just had a few sentances floating through nothingness. Personally, I thought the second paragraph was choppy, but don't change it if you like it that way. I have a personal fondness for long sentances. The short ones here might help portray the fairy's irritation, too, so as you like.

"that what you meant? Is that what you meant?" - I still don't like this, because here it makes me think she's yelling at him, but later you say she's bored, like she's been through this a hundred times. I'd say to have her only say it once, then describe her sitting on the edge of the bed, instead of after all that dialouge.

"continued looking unoccupied" - This is not bad, I'd just say "to look" instead of "Looking," and I'm not sure unoccupied is the right word here, it just catches me funny.

It's looking much better though, it made much more sense to me than last time. Keep working on this!

I put the italics in there for emphasis. But you're right. Boredom and emphasis are not exactly salt and pepper.

Well, I couldn't think of any synonyms for bored. Unoccupied was what popped into my head. sorry

I think that it's best that he wasn't conciously aware that she was watching him. I now realize that she too didn't want to watch him, though. So I did add that...

Thanks for your help!

MC

This was intriguing.

As others have said, I'd like to be able to judge the guy's misdemeanors myself by seeing them, rather than have the fairy/pixie tell me. The example given doesn't on its own seem to deserve such wrath as it gets. Perhaps though, the fairy isn't altogether fair either - being influenced by her own experience - that could be a neat twist.

Would disinterested work for bored?

Thanks, LLwaz!

I think 'disinterested' would be a great word for my purposes and will be incorporated thusly.

I have an idea on something to put in on why he was being punished as he was.....and I'll put that idea to work on Monday!

MC

OK!

Well, I just fixed a few things, added a paragraph, and inserted the word 'disinterested.' I think it's a bit more justified now, though I need to be corrected if I'm wrong.

MC

I much prefer this version. Don't know why. Perhaps it's less frightening

Thanks! I think it is a bit less frightening too.

MC

Are you planning to write and share more stories ?

When I get them written, I may. So far, I don't know. Why do you ask?

MC

I just liked your style

Thank you! I always try to put some moral or another in these types of things.

MC