h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Brainery Tomfoolery - A16939416
Author: amaranthine_trail - U2233701

My second attempt after a year. Feel free to critique.

What a very condensed account of a day! It worked in the sense of portraying that.

Critique stuff, since you ask and aren't charging -

Some neat images - parallel strips, elastic faces, chalked square... liked those a lot.

The atmosphere comes through strongly - comfortable office, maybe slightly stuffy, life passing by outside, good lunch...

The narrator - he/she seems, erm, a little on the self-satisfied side. I didn't exactly engage with him/her and have the impression he/she's an observer of life themself.

Overall reaction - not a strong one, it was like looking at an interesting but not personally engaging picture in a gallery.

That first sentence was a bit offputting - I nearly didn't read past it. It's taken a while to work out why but I think it's the parallel combined with lateral. Lateral's just repeating the idea isn't it? In a sentence, right at the beginning where you're already asking the reader to do quite a lot of work.

Can I ask why 'spewed'? Seems an odd choice with contentment and soft light either side, and I think influenced my view of the narrator - why's he/she content surrounded by walls he/she sees as spewed on?...

All in all, interesting to work through.
Waz