h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: There is, or once up on a time, will be: A Poem. - A439436
Author: Captain Slogg (Stardate 49263.8) - U113932

Found this in the h2g2 undergrowth, it deserves a bit of daylight. Not often you find a poem with 'binary fission' in it...

I love it. Rhythm and rhyme nearly spot on though there's a problem with 'prime ordeal sea' because the emphasis in 'primordial sea' is in the wrong place.

And in
"it wades in deep, the apple downed
it sinks beneath the waves to drowned"
the grammar's out.

With those fixed, I reckon it's a bit of a gem. It's a shame the author's Elvised.

It is very entertaining! But I don't think a last post only 5 weeks ago is so much as elvised though, perhaps Captain Slogg can be prompted to return with a bit of interest in their Entry

One appearance in 6 years, Pedant .

Let's hope he'll/she'll be prodded back. Before 2012.

I don't have cattle, so the job's yours

If the author doesn't resurface at all, it's not unbeknown to have something like this popped into the CAC or the UnderGuide

You know, I've noticed that...

The 's at the ready.

Erm Hi,
Thank you for your kind interest and helpful comments although I'm not sure about having to be prodded back or having my poem popped into the CAC?

I will attempt to rewrite the passages you've mentioned above and would be interested in any alternative suggestions you may have

Sorry about the prodding, Captain Slogg. And the popping... it's not quite what it sounds - do you know the Post's CAC page, or the UnderGuide?

As for suggestions, my first is to completely ignore what I said about 'Prime Ordeal'. The name of the Sea, right? It just took me ages to get it because I was so focused on the 'primordial' I heard in it. 'Prime Ordeal' is neat.

Having been so daft about that one, I'm not sure about the other but it does still jar -

In

"It slaughters till eventually
beside a vast polluted sea,
the last beast, starving, sees off shore
a putrid, floating apple core,
it wades in deep, the apple downed
it sinks beneath the waves to drowned
It's gut allowing to survive
the only creatures left alive,"

the 'to drowned' is where I've a problem. An obvious fix would be 'and drowned' but it puts all the tenses wrong. Best I could think of was

"It slaughters till eventually
beside a vast polluted sea,
the last beast, starving, sees off shore
a putrid, floating apple core,
it wades in deep, the apple downed
it sinks beneath the waves, is drowned
but gut allowing to survive
the only creatures left alive,"

I'm making a mess of this! I posted that from memory, only re-reading the last verses.

Now I've looked again, you have actually have

'deep in a prime ordeal sea,'

Not 'deep in the Prime Ordeal Sea' as I was picturing it. Looks like I subconsciously put my own fix in!

So, now I just don't know. I don't know if your readers are going to be triggered into assuming it's a typo for primordial - which is not good, or will see the first ordeal of life thing and accept it...

You could leave it as is, leaving the 'sounds like' thing but risking the typo assumption. Or there's that sea naming assumption I made without realising I'd done it. But it's a bit heavy. Or you could use 'primordial', putting a word in front ... like 'deep in a warm primordial sea,' ... but then you lose the 'prime' and 'ordeal' connection which is good.

You know, I'm glad it's your decision!



After all that, can't believe I'm saying this - but I've another suggestion. Just for consideration . The title. I don't think it draws the readers who will most enjoy this as well as it might. And in using the first line, it's a bit of an opportunity lost. Maybe the 'prime' and 'ordeal' association could be brought in there? Don't know. Just another , and I'll finish now. Definitely finish now.

I understood the word play of prime ordeal

Bless you my child for your wordplay comment but "Sitting on the stair" dudes point is well made. As wordplay goes it is a bit weedy and therefore more likely to be seen as a "typo" (Is this perhaps a polite modern euphemism for "Results of a bad spellers attempt at a word which is still hopelessly wrong but contains enough homonyms to satisfy the spell checker?)

How about I take up your suggestion of putting a word in front of "Primorial". warm sounds a bit cosy so how about "deep in a dark primordial sea"?

Dark brings a nice hint of threat with it.

"typo" - four letters to encompass all the possibilities of careless, imaginative, original or, yes, bad, spelling. Also ditto re typing and punctuation. And careless or accidental acceptance of Spell Checker suggestions.

When you don't know if it's a digging spade, border spade, treader digging spade, tree planting or cable spade, or indeed a shovel - just call them all a spade.

A dude () on the stair

Dude on the stairs,

I've updated the entry taking the oportunity to correct a sever case of Greengrocers apostrophe. I've also had a go at trying to fix the whole Drowning tense and scanning thingy.

It slaughters till eventually
beside a vast polluted sea,
the last beast, starving, sees off shore
a putrid, floating apple core,
with greed it gulps the apple down
then sinks beneath the waves to drown
Its gut allowing to survive
the only creatures left alive,

Does that work OK?

As for the title do you have any suggestions? I was thinking a respectful nod towards Stevie Smith by calling it "Not Drowning but Waving"

Sorry that should be "Severe".

Damned spell checkers no good when you
don ' t no witch whirred two ewes

That verse works for me – better than the stab I had at it.

Titles – no suggestions no, the title must be your's, I think. I like "Not Drowning but Waving" though. It has a twist in it and is slightly macabre in context.

'Not Drowning but Waving' it is then, with apologies to Stevie Smith.

Congratulations , Cap'n Slogg, the Underguiders would like to save this one from drowning in obscurity and wave it onto the Front Page and into the <./>underguide</.>.

As soon as we can russle one up, a UG Polisher will be in touch about making the UG copy for the Front Page link.

Thank you, it's an entertaining poem and one that puts the human race firmly in its place .