h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: My Life As a Guy - A16841559
Author: Heroic Meek Moo (echomikeromeo) - Getting in on a hootoo in-joke for once. - U929375

It's about time I had something for the AWW again.

This will eventually (hopefully) be a submission for my school's literary magazine, but I could use some feedback on it first.

I should mention that I have a limit of 750 words. Though I'd like to expand some more, I'm really not able to.

Interesting piece - I had one style comment - the last two paras are a bit wordy for my taste - I don't feel it suits the subject.

Secondly, the scope of your main point is not super clear - do you think people should make more of an effort to spot you as a woman? Or is it just the deductions that people draw from your style that bothers you?

And then at the end you hint at worrying that you dress that way to conform - but doesn't everyone do that? - I'm not sat here wearing this suit because it's the most practical garment ever invented, that's for sure.

sprout

What a charming essay. My reaction to the girl whose feelings were hurt by your attitude was, how dare she? You're not obligated to choose your POV to suit hers.

My suggestion would be to break the last two paragraphs up into four, arranged around single-idea topic sentences. As it stands, the paragraphs go too far afield to be completely clear.

All in all, a fascinating discussion, though.

How will your school's literary magazine take the subject, do you think?

I know one girl (she must be around sixteen), who is often called a guy by one of her male friends. That's because every time she sees him, she shows him her legs. As in, "Hey, look at this new scar! Isn't it a beauty?"

Not only a boy: a kid boy. Still, she's fun to have around occasionally. They're Dublin people, and I don't see them often. She's one of my sister's friends.

I agree that the essay is well written, but that it slightly loses direction at the end.

TRiG.

"I should have been a girl for Halloween" that's great - a very neat last line. Classy.

As a whole my impression is it's very packed, with complicated sentences. Probably because of the word limit - so not an easy read. It's a good though, and full of thought.

It's got a distinctive style too.

I'm not entirely sure I buy that the narrator lives in fear of the women's restroom comment. I'm thinking there's not much difference between it and 'Hey dude' and that it's the result of the same initial confusion. So why is this obviously strong and self aware person living in fear of it. Being puzzled by that, I start wondering if it's an illusion to something more - and that's a bit of a distraction from the focus on perception and pigeonholing that the rest of the piece is about.

Maybe in not being able to expand it, you've included a bit more than the 750 words can carry? Having now read the other comments, I'd agree with sprout over the main point not being entirely clear. But the choices I see are between commenting on the deductions and expectations of other people, and whatever underlies the living in fear.

Nitpick - might be good to change one of the four 'while's. It was the 2nd and 3rd ones that registered.

That's my worth. The need for pigeonholes and labels is fascinating, good luck with the magazine submission.

Hello everyone, and thanks for your comments. I was really pleased to get this much feedback in one day! I started to try to process them and do some work on the essay, but I'm very tired and I couldn't focus. So I'll write down my responses to your comments here and then hopefully incorporate them tomorrow.

I should explain that "slightly los[ing] direction" is my ultimate weak point - I'll definitely look at the essay again with that concern of focus in mind, and see what can be done. The original piece was about half this length again and I tried desperately to condense to fit it in the format. (I'm actually on the editorial board of said magazine, and I fought long and hard to extend the word limit, but no...)

TRiG, the way the school will take the subject is exactly why I'm submitting it. My friends, classmates and teachers are the people who have impacted me in this way, and I'd like to try to explain back at them how I feel, and maybe make them think a bit at the same time.

Waz, to respond to what you said about the women's restroom comment: when I wrote this I was just thinking about some experiences and thoughts I've had in the past, but now that I look back over what I wrote I'm beginning to think there's a lot more back-story that you don't see here. The most briefest of explanations that I can give is that while it bothers me less to be mistaken for a guy than to have accusations concerning my level of tolerance, feminism, etc. levelled at me, I have always had an irrational fear of doing something wrong, and it's a possibility that has the potential to shame and embarrass me. I get embarrassed just thinking about how awkward and confused I would feel if told I had screwed up by going into the wrong washroom - it would be almost as if I had, you see. And yet I think about it just about every time I go to a public washroom.

I think the fact that I need to explain this is indication of how unfortunately condensed this is. I do see it as an important part of my life and therefore it's a bit difficult to get it down to 750 words. Maybe I should expand and clarify it and work on it as just something in itself rather than a submission to the literary magazine. I'll think on it when I've had more sleep.

Once again, thanks for your comments.

*Finally* updated, expanded, hopefully smoothed-out and focused.

The public bathroom incident finally happened to me last weekend, though it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I just told the girl, "Umm, I'm female..." and she seemed to accept that point.

I think it reads better now, if only because it's increased by about 250 words. I hate word limits. *sigh*

This is good. What you're saying about the expectations from gender is much clearer. (Daft expectations, imo.)

Having now written a focussed piece, saying what you want to say - it is possible to condense down. If you wanted to.

For the exercise, I tried it. I think I can get to just below 750 words without losing any of the sense of it, though you might not agree. It is at the expense of your beautifully precise English and some colour. It was useful and interesting precis practise for today's shortening attention spans . My boss sometimes appears to have a two line limit on e-mails. Which can be used to advantage...

Anyway, you're making a real and worthwhile point in this, I think there's value in putting it out there. I mean in that magazine. For h2g2, I wouldn't touch what you've done here.

PS the bathroom incident - glad it wasn't as bad as you'd imagined it might be. It's good to get things dreaded over, done and dealt with.

Now that I look at this and see how much better it reads when expanded, I am really quite loathe to cut it down. I will, of course, so that I can submit it, but I don't think I'll post the result here. For the AWW, it can stay as is, unless someone has another good suggestion of course.

I made a few minor punctuation change, and fixed the GML so that m-dashes don't look like question marks.

[Mary Shelley would be proud of you! ('I have both male and female friends' sounds so prosaic after that)].

I pride myself on my poetic constructions, RE! (or something...)

Yesterday we (that is, the editorial board) decided what pieces would be in the magazine. This didn't make it, though two other things that I'd written (one under my name and one anonymously) did. In terms of the feel of the magazine, I don't think that was a bad choice, but it kind of sucks that I don't have that way of showing it to an audience made up of the people who have impacted me enough to write this.

Now maybe if they had seen it in the unabridged form...

Shame about the magazine, but you must be pleased about the other two, and we want this version of this one for the <./>underguide</.>. Congratulations EMR, it thoroughly deserves its week on h2g2's Front Page.

About polishing and the rest, you know the drill, and we've a volunteer already .

Thanks for posting this here.

Thank you very much. I'm very proud to see this going somewhere.

Congratulations, Echo!

They must have been pretty damn good - any chance of seeing them here?

One of them was written specifically for the magazine, so it was no surprise it got in, as it was perfectly suited to it. The other was poorly written, but it was about teenage love, so it comes as no surprise that it was included.

Maybe I'll submit the latter, actually. I could use some feedback on it.

It might even add some spice to . Whatever you decide, I'm interested - and doubtless many others would be too.