h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Tiara - A1957278
Author: Kate - U33022

Just a wee bit of fiction. Nothing exciting or outstanding, but I wouldn't mind some opinions.

Ta. xxx

Hi Kate,

I think that as it stands this is an interesting and atmospheric story. I didn't get the feeling that it was 'finished', there is an aimless quality to it, as though it was written quickly and hasn't been refined yet. The characters come across well and the level of detail is probably just right. Enough information to give a sense of place and locate you in the character's world without there being so much that it becomes dry and boring. I also found the narrator's voice very engaging.

But I think it needs something more. It's good now, but with refinement it could be really good. A touch more emphasis on the relationship between Tiara and the narrator, perhaps? I think that if the dynamic between them were fleshed out the story would have a common thread, like a skeleton, to make it hang together and the ending would come across more forcefully. That's just my opinion, of course, feel free to ignore me or violently disagree and call me names!

Anyway, I enjoyed reading it and I hope I'll be seeing more of your writing in the AWW. You can drop by my page any time you feel like having a natter about writing or life in general.

yeah, i did throw it together in about half an hour and that shows!
i'll have a polish and an extend of it tomorrow.

i don't want it to have too much of an actual narrative, i want to keep it short. so i guess it's more of a snapshot than a story really. it's a new way of writing to me and i need to practise. i want to just hint at a life and a collection of stories unfolding, but give a glimpse at some true human characters, which is more interesting to me at the minute than long involved narratives.

does that make sense?

but what i meant to say was; yes, i do mean to flesh out that relationshi a bit more, work in a couple of the narratior's memories, stuff like that.

Yes, I understand what you mean, and that's exactly what I would like to see.

The last thing it needs is plot, it's not that type of story. Something very small, abstract but telling, perhaps scattered details, that will put a shape around that relationship is all that it really needs. Little touches are best for that, long meandering narrative can achieve the same effect, but not in this piece I think.

Very last thing is that you might want to star out some of the colorful language The mods would do it anyway, but you might like to do it yourself so that someone else isn't intruding in your work

I always forget about that sort of thing!
Well spotted boss.

I like it - it's really good

You might want to do something about the fact that F1 comes up as a link though, maybe say Formula One instead?

Hi there! I'm really with Speckly on this. It is wonderfully atmospheric, and a delightful little read. Mostly I'm here to bump you up, so others can view you. Fabulousnous.

Fatty

Hi Kate,

came across this again while mining. How you doing with it?


Speckly

Hopefully Kate is doing what I did and is having a wee holiday from H2G2, because I agree with Speckly on this, this could be a great piece of writing.

As speckly mentioned it does kndof drift to the end, and as I read the last sentence I wanted to scroll down in case I missed a bit. I also wanted to know more about the person named in the title.

This is a really introduction to a longer story.

forget nighthoover, we want Kate back