h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: revenge - A1101763
Author: Mergatroyd McGlubb...FCE (Fish Catcher Extraordinaire) - U196588

Does anybody out there think this is worth a pair of foetid dingo's kdneys?

The foetid kidneys of a dingo, or the kidneys of a foetid dingo?

B

I like the style which is sparse and colloquial, without too many adjectives or adverbs. However, I found it hard to follow who was doing and saying what. Was Tilo playing with the digital camera, or the security guard, or the detective.

If you are aiming for confusion you have done well, if you are aiming for clarity then you need to make it a bit clearer.

Oh, and I found the main act of revenge in the epilogue unpleasant verging on the offensive. I have not yikesed the entry, because the rest of it is good, and I am curious to see what other people think about it. But I did consider doing so.

Thanks for posting it.

Ben

Thanks for the commentary. I would like to apologize publicly for any offense that might be caused by reading the story, none was meant. I was just trying to think of something horrifyingly unpleasant... I've never considered killing someone appropriate for revenge, because then it's over.

Thanks for the commentary. I plan on reading it again and deciding whether to make it less obfuscatory.

Merg

"something horrifyingly unpleasant..." - Well, its certainly that!

btw - I suggest you leave it in for a while and see what other people think. My reaction is my s**t, to a very great extent. If you are cool with creating that reaction in people, then leave it in.

A lot of writing is about setting up other peoples' responses, which is just another way of controlling them. If you get the response you want - even if they don't like it - then you are a skilled writer.

B

I found this a bit hard to follow as well

And in the end, I just didn't understand it very much. It sounds interesting though . Is there a way to let the reader know why all of this is happening without hurting the development?

upon further reflection... any understanding that might come from this story has nothing to do with my motivations (I tried to write a response earlier with lots of ing involved, but my adsl decided not to cooperate.

I was just trying to get a particularly horrid pic out of my mind and share with others... I have to go now... there is lightning

And to anything that I might have said in the past week, I bring you this quoate from Liam Lynch:

"So see Kiki down at the beach and she's all 'eeehw' and I'm like 'Yeah, whatever!!'"

Merg
(p*****g people off since 1977)

Hi all,

this convo is all rather surreal to someone who like me tried to read the entry recently...

Sit tight spliff, and it'll all go post-minimalist eventually.

T.

*jumps up and down with excitement because Spiff is back*

How are you? Do you know the UnderGuide is now officially semi-official?

Back to the topic: If Murgatroyd can be persuaded to re-instate his entry, it would be worth it. It had a certain something, and I remember it fairly clearly.

If not, I guess it should be cleared out of the AWW.

Let's leave it here for a while and see if Murgatroyd comes back and reinstates it.

B

This is a tough one.

<./>Scouts-what</.>, which I've memorized, says that you can move a one liner after one week, but it wasn't a one liner for the week.

Ho hum.



PS- *jumps up and down*

Well, lets see if Mergatroyd reinstates it.


Personally I doubt that he will; and that is a shame. The entry conveyed atmosphere pretty well, and I would have liked to have seen it tweaked a bit so that it was clearer who was doing what. The final image, should, on reflection, probably stay in. It sticks in the mind and makes the point.

Mergatroyd, dear, nice kind Mergatroyd, would you consider reinstating the entry?

B

I hope my comments didn't convince him to

Dear, kind Mergatroyd... t'would be nice to reinstate it.

Well, I am scared that mine didn't scare him off. I was a bit - robust - shall we say.

The crazy thing is that there was a lot that was really good in the entry, which is why I bothered to comment in detail. If an entry is past redemption, there is not much anyone can say about it. This one had a lot going for it, and it created a response in me, which is surely the point of any writing.

smiley.

B

I would have liked to hear other people's opinions on it too

Oh well.

Hi all... I apologized to Ben already, but this is the blanket statement. I am better now (kinks in my brain or something, but mostly worked out now).......

Wait, I remember. It got yikesed, and I was in a terribly depressed mood, and terribly drunk. (my friends have on occasion brought new words to describe the levels of drunkenness that I achieve while still being mobile, I think the one that would have applied that night would be "detonated")

Anyway, I haven't been away that long because of that, (the yikesing, or hospital visits or anything) just because I have been rather antisocial of late due to exponentially increased pressure at work. It has eased off somewhat now, and I feel much more sociable.

And I brought it back.

oh yeah, and I made a few minor edits (added one word and deleted a comma) (I thought I added two words, but now I can't find the second one). Maybe that will help the who is talking question, I think I found the broken piece and (hopefully) superglued it back where it should be.

*looks around for any more mising bits

Merg

oh yeah, and I made a few minor edits (added one word and deleted a comma) (I thought I added two words, but now I can't find the second one). Maybe that will help the who is talking question, I think I found the broken piece and (hopefully) superglued it back where it should be.

*looks around for any more missing bits

Merg

This still needs work. It just isn't clear enough. And I found the violence of the revenge act distastful and offensive. Not that violent images offend me universally, far from it, but this doesn't lead up to it or explain it effectivly so it becomes a random act of violence against a woman. That's not something I like to see promoted. If the narrative were clearer and the whole story better evoked I don't think that final image would be a problem because it would sit with the narrative and be a cohesive part of a story with something to say. As it stands it comes off as disjointed and gratuitous.

With Merg gone this isn't going to get the work it needs to be acceptable.

Suggesting a move.
N