h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Detached - A2643536
Author: nadia - U226818

The ending needs work but I think there's a story in there. It's thematically outside my usual comfort zone so comments extra welcome.

Hi nadia

Good, of course. Great to read you, but you'll want crit.

I think you give Kay a character and then don't carry it in the dialogue. She doesn't come across as an incessant talker, and excepting the one early example she doesn't seem family-preoccupied either.

Maybe we're supposed to read Anne's judgement of Kay, distorted by her own predicament, and then invited to draw our own different conclusion. If so, the device is maybe a bit too subtle for a piece of this length. It would work in a longer version.

I like Kay. More than Anne in fact. Is that the intent?

There's a duplicated sentence in paragraph 2.

The theme's a bit outside my CF too.

You would arrive just as my shift finishes. So, in a hurry...

You are quite right about Kay, stupidity rather than subtlety I'm afraid. She was a lot chattier in an earlier draft and I haven't cleaned up post re-write. I'll give it some consideration before I decide where to jump to fix it.

Anne is written to be a bit of a non character to give me another level of detachment. I don't mind that making her someone the reader doens't warm to. I like Kay more as well.

Hometime.


N

Evening Nadia

I didn't like Anne's character as I thought she was self obsessed and lacked self control Who could feel sympathy for such a cry-a-baby

I wondered why if she was so keen on having kids, why she slept around and didn't ensure the men used protection

I also felt that her reasons for getting pregnant were vague Surely that's the worst part of pregnancy !

If she was so bothered, why didn't she get her eggs frozen ?

The nurses were the stuff of nightmares < Nurse Mary Batts, a low heel that clicked precisely; Nurse Gwendoline Higham, flats that shushed with each dragging step and Sister Rosa Jenkins, low boots with a medium heel that thudded with all her weight and force>

And in my experience, nurses are generally kind and sympatico

I admired your use of adjectives < pristine efficiency>

Kay's role : Was it to demonstrate that having a child didn't necessarily make a mother loved ?
Having a child is not the life fulfilment that Anne perhaps expected ?
Was Kay a perhaps a bad mother ?

That's part of my take on your story. Thanks for sharing, and I did enjoy reading

Good morning.

Thank you for your comments. I'm not going to answer most of your questions since most of them fall under the answer-it-yourself-to-find-your-own-reading umbrella.

Two things I will comment on; I have nothing but respect for nurses but they have to be professional and there are times when professional sympathy is the hardest to bear. I know it's fiction but some of your responses to it indicate attitudes toward women that you should think carefully about.

N

Hello Nadia

I have no idea what you're talking about, but thanks for your feed back

Been looking forward to reading this and no disappointment. My take on Kay before reading the thread here was that talkative/family obsessed Kay was public persona Kay saying all the conventional expected stuff that so much of conversation tends to consist of. Only when Anne made real contact, showing real feelings, did the real Kay appear. I liked her a lot. More than Anne, yes. But I liked the end Anne more than the beginning Anne.

Something's slightly niggling me about Anne's reactions, but I need to work out what it is.

If Kay was a less likeable person than I made of her - the piece would be more, erm, chewy. But wouldn't say something that I've read into it. But that you didn't intend. Dunno on that one. Interesting either way.


I loved the night shift on the ward thing - characterisation by footstep - neat . And 'footstep chronometry' .

The professional sympathy thing is interesting. Very true, imo.

Small points:
'The next morning, just before the shift changed, she apologised to Nurse Batts for causing a fuss and thanked her for being such a good listener. She was running out of tissue to shred. The ball that Kay had thrown at her' Bit of a doubletake at the timeline jump there, no big deal though.


The anaesthetist ‘What’s the matter? Are you scared about the surgery?’ - would he assume fear, if he's kindly? Wouldn't he know better and expect regret rather and simply ask if she's alright. Stupid question but the usual one in the circumstances.

Thanks for read,
Waz

Hi Waz, I'm glad you read it, I always look forward to your response.

Your reading of Kay is about what I had intended but I still think that there is work needed in the dialogue.

I burn with curiosity to know what you read into it that I didn't intend. 'chewy'?

There is a timeline hitch there. I shuffled the text in all sorts of ways and couldn't get it to run right. I'll tweak some more in the next draft. You're also right about the anaesthatist. A want of thought there. I'll do better next time.

I probably won't redraft for a while. We have a plumber in doing confusing things all over the house next week.


N

Ah, no, I thought from your reply to Pin that you didn’t intend the difference between public persona Kay and real Kay, that was all. And if Kay’s incessantness etc hadn’t been a bit of a façade I’d like her less and would find the piece more, err, chewy. Again. I could say harder work but that implies criticism that I don’t mean. The piece would still be all the good stuff but would slip down less easily . I’m sorry, nadia, I just don’t have the vocabulary for this!

The slight niggle about Anne came from the bit about her always expecting there’d be time to get a job that did more than pay the bills. I suppose I’d assumed she’d put off children for the sake of just that kind of job, and without that I’m not sure what was filling her time. Perhaps it’s good to leave it like that and let readers fill in their own blanks. The job explanation is too easy really.

Good luck with the plumbering. It he’s a good one, kidnap him, store him in the attic and sell his services. (Or she's and her.) You’ll be onto a goldmine and then you get your pc connection .