h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Window - A49755928
Author: Pheroneous II - U186787

A little piece, un-labelled. Reaction appreciated.

I am charmed by this story, drawn into it, love it, feel for the characters...

Thank you, thank you, for having the courage to resist doing something awful in front of that window.

Another hootooer and I were reading and discussing O Henry last night...that is an O Henry ending.

I have one crit: I would change the word 'shambolic', a little too demeaning to my ear. Maybe 'a shambles of a house'?

The house imagery works beautifully as an underlying metaphor for the man's brain injury.

I will see those curtains billowing in my mind all day now...like this painting:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_SaXuMU-dOTw/Sd96srtCUXI/AAAAAAAAA3I/z_otDnxvnZQ/s1600-h/Deep+Breathing_872.jpg

Gosh, that was quick! Thanks. Nice picture too.

I should have mentioned that the lines at the beginning are extracted from "Lilac Wine", which I know as sung by Jeff Buckley. I shall have to research the author and credit via footnote.

Yes, good quoting, there - just give it a footnote.

I just read this aloud to Elektra. She got teary-eyed - this is the stamp of approval.

When I read it aloud, I stumbled over 'she got dressed'. I think you might need to say, 'she got dressed again', so we don't get confused.

You know what, D, I have made people laugh before, and it's very rewarding, but it somehow feels more of an achievement to move someone. The more so as this is a piece of total fiction. There is, nor ever has been, a window or (unless you accept Mrs P's assertions!) a damaged brain. I am, Elektra, happy to have moved you a little!

To which she says, 'awww...'

I agree. Making a nonexistent window bring us to a moment of mental clarity is, well, what it's all about.

This is great.

As Dmitri says, the moment at the window provides a focus for the narrator's return to sanity.

I was a bit confused, though, because our hero talks about babbling, and then, later about struggling to find the right word. Has he just been talking nonsense?

Well, yes, the point is that with some types of brain damage/illness the 'victim' can talk happily for hours using normal words and conversational inflections and tone, but the whole makes no sense, or 'nonsense'. I've used the word 'babble'. And, perhaps, sometimes, recovery begins to repair the connections. Hopefully to the point where he/she can actually begin to make the words come out right.

I know that the whole thing at the is confused and confusing, but that was, to some extent, the intention, as is the later clarification.

But I am uncomfortable explaining.

Thanks, as ever, for your appreciation and comments.

Thanks.

I don't think I would explain it in the story - we accept the confusion as part of the hero's mental state.

This is great. It's vivid, intriguing, has nothing superfluous, it's touching - not just because of the narrator's recovery and his relationship with his wife but because of his openness ... thank you.

PS, I wouldn't explain anything further either.

'The Window' has been chosen by UG Miners for inclusion in h2g2's UnderGuide - many congratulations!

Not only that, but it was chosen by our QA as our April Gem of the Month. Here's why:

"Imperfect but very pleasing to read. I'm not quite sure I understand it, but it doesn’t really matter. It's warm, and it has a detached and optimistic quality, a bit like being half-awake in bed on a sunny morning.

"There are some moods that it's hard to catch in writing, and serene drifting is one. Writing normally has to be quite purposeful. Maybe he should try writing for children?

"The juxtaposition of Manfred Mann and Jeff Buckley is a bit weird. The window motif is good enough bait in itself; it doesn’t need any help from the spurious lyric."

Congratulations again - an UnderGuide Polisher will be along shortly

Good choice there.

This sounds like a good thing, so thank you, and, of course, everyone who knows me...

I've never been a 'gem' before!

I know I might be thought to be a bit behind the times by some, but you mention April and it is, here, now, June! How does that work??

A couple of points. I am not sure why Jeff Buckley and Manfred Mann is a weird combination. And, yes, the lines at the beginning are unnecessary, but that piece was in my head as I wrote. The mood, at least in my mind, is the same.

What do you mean "imperfect"? I am looking for assistance in getting myself writing, and do need criticism, but specifics please. Neither do I understand about writing for children. If you have time for an explanation I would appreciate hearing more of your thoughts.

Well done Pheroneous!

If you get that kind of comment from QA, you can be sure your story is very good!

Thanks MVP, I'm not complaining! Not at all. I'm jolly honoured and all that. I just want more specific advice/criticism.