h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Post here if you know a good joke... got to be fairly clean though... ~grin~

{St Bob sorry for the confusion}
Dam is this ok?
wife was having a shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Paddy.
"Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled.
Paddy came running in, "Paddy, Oi've suctioned meself to the floor" she said.
"Ohhh bejasus!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "Nope, Oi cannot do it"
Murphy said, "Lets try Plan C"
"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy, "What's dat den"?
"Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."
"All roight" Paddy said, "While your doing dat Oi'll stay here and play with her tits".
"Play with her tits"? Murphy said "Why would you be wanting to do dat then"?
Paddy replied "Well Oi figure if Oi can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace"

is that clean coz its set in the shower?

funny clean jokes are quite rare but i'll have a go

did you here about the guy who snorted some curry powder, thinking it was cocaine?

he fell into a korma

~Greebo titters~... Er... was there a pun in there?

Joke email spam this but its funny all the same (falls over in shock!)
Hope you like it...

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows sue you for breach of contract.


NEW AMERICAN DEMOCRACY

You have two cows, unofficially, pending a re-count.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does not do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.


TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.


SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.