h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ta! I'll pop down to Slimbridge in a minute and pick it up!

Slimbridge???? Is it used by narrow cars, thin buses, skinny trucks, anorexic bikes, matchbox toys........

Oh, THIS Canada Goose article... well, I like the Beetle one better, but just because it's more in depth. This one is actually a bit frightening... and I was afraid of the beetles taking over... I fear these geese may do it...oh no, what if they join forces??

Maybe I'm just paranoid...

Aha! Fenchurch, my friend! I admit, my goose outlook is a bit jaundiced. Glad you liked the beetle thing. The Canada Geese really are taking over. They look so smug and self-assured, in a vacuous, bird-brained way; it's like watching a flock of Young Conservatives. Still, a bit of poop on ya boots is better than a lot of dead trees.

Oh no, not a flock of young conservatives.... all of a sudden, I see the geese through your eyes...

There used to be this Canada Goose that would stroll around Balboa Park...everyone was very thrilled with it, a goose that came all the way from up there, and it never migrated, just sort of stuck around... but a few years ago it dissappeared...I think it may have had a fight-to-the-death for attention with the Balboa Park Blue Crane... and it just wouldn't win in that kind of battle.

But now, I almost feel glad...

I meant to tell you John, we saw some of your enemy birds in a park in Reigate on Saturday! They appear to be making Britain their home from home and some just cannot be bothered to fly back to Canada!

And the Americans are upset about their choice of a short cut.

Call it old age; but I'm just not as bothered by them this summer. They do make a hell of a mess though.

Actually, I saw a pair of geese (part of a flock of about fifty) doing some weeding for me yesterday. My Annuals are no longer tender enough to be appealing, but the red-root pig weed (cool eh?) is still salad-size.

The stuff I've been planting lately is not very interesting to geese. So there may come a time when we can live in peace. (There's a poem in that, Ginger).

It was probably doing a bit of reconnoitering. It could be making it's report even as we speak (even though we're not actually speaking, of course). Or it could have been just visiting. That Balboa park sounds nice. Blue Cranes sound nice too. Went to Crane School once, long ago.

Great Blue Herons are becoming quite a common sight around here. They seem mystical to me. There's something ghostly, supernatural about them. We see the occasional Sandhill Crane too, but only rarely.

There is one exception to the mystical heron thing. Me missus and me camped near a marsh once (also long ago, but not as much as the other thing), where a flock of them were roosting. They made an incredible din all night long. It was like a colony of pterodactyls.

Being crapped on would be pretty unmystical; but that hasn't happened yet.

Doug Dastardly got crapped on recently but I think that was a seagull! Now herons are a pain - twice now I have had to re-line my pond because the herons have made hols in with their beaks as they eat the fish!

For sale: Kiwis cheapish

Why are you trying to sell Kiwis and do they really go cheep?

Only when they are eye gouging upstart Canadian Geese who seem hellbent on world domination.

That's supposed to be good luck. Is that in the "Old Wives Tales" thing? Raccoons did our pond in.

Plant snapdragons around the pond to scare the birds. If that fails Ask MadMunk for Welsh dragons and if that fails put sharks in the pond

Good advice, alas too late. My pond is now of interest only to archeologists. Still, no harm in planting a few snaps anyway.

Are snapdragons the angriest plants? I know you can get wild flowers.Venus Fly Traps are extremely doubtful characters. Roses can get prickly. A dandelion's roar is worse than it's bite. Cacti sometimes attack innocent bypassers but the snapdragon is constantly snapping at things. Maybe it had a bad experience in a seed packet at one time.

If the weeds in my garden don't scare the birds nothing will!

Maybe a billy goat is the answer. Trolls living under bridges seen terrified of them. And of course they will eat the weeds. Surely a prince of the animal kingdom. Then again there are always llamas and for the truly exotic garden, Bengal tigers.

My snaps aren't snapping; they're practising arias only gardeners can hear. I can imagine snapdragons being popular with dentists - Say Ahhh... Dandelions too ( Dent-de-lion).

They say dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. Well then, I'll do a Dental Garden to cheer them up.