A Conversation for Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Peer Review: A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 1

Bluebottle

Entry: Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman - A87812553
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

An article about the life of one of the 20th Century's most famous men.

<BB<


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 2

Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor

Hi <BB<

smiley - wowthis is comprehensivesmiley - ok

Just had a quick run-through, noticed: "The myth persists that, like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or King Arthur he still lives, frozen in a perfect sleep, ready to awaken with a kiss from a handsome prince when America needs him most or the technology to restore his youth has been created." surely you mean "kiss from a beautiful princess"?

"Even then she was a force to be reckoned with, wanting to cast Julie Harris should play Mary Poppins, while Disney had already chosen an unknown English Broadway actress named Julie Andrews." needs "should" replacing with "to" (I think that's what you mean)

smiley - cheers

GB
smiley - galaxysmiley - diva


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 3

Tavaron da Quirm - Arts Editor

Hi BB!
A very interesting Entry, and it certainly fills a gap in the Guide.

'His father, Elias, was a deeply religious, hard man who ruled his family with a firm grip, dominating Walt's mother, teacher Flora, who was 10 years Elias' younger.'
I had to read that sentence 3 times before I understood it.

'...located only 90 miles wet from Hannibal...'
Missing an s.

In the section about WWI I don't understand if Walt Disney actually was in Europe or not. You only say he learned to drive, but not where.

'At the time, only 23% of cinemas in America regularly showed cartoons. Their only customer went bankrupt, owing them over $11,000. Although he began work on combining live action with animation on a short film entitled Alice's Wonderland, in which a young girl named Alice, played by Virginia Davis, enters a world of animation and interacts with cartoon characters.'
That sounds like the only customer of the cinemas was bankrupt and the sentence starting with 'although' doesn't seem to fit in. The customer was bankrupt although he started to work on a film?

I'll go on reading later.


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 4

Bluebottle

Hello Both

GB - I'm glad you said 'Comprehensive' – I was worrying it was long winded and sagging, but I tried to keep it interesting, and hope I succeeded. (Not very good at keeping things short and succinct like your 'Are you my Mummy?' article...)

I've changed the Mary Poppins sentence (are you looking forward to seeing 'Saving Mr Banks', the BBC / Disney film about how Walt Disney got the rights to make 'Mary Poppins' as much as I am? smiley - winkeye.)

smiley - modJust had a quick run-through, noticed: "The myth persists that, like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or King Arthur he still lives, frozen in a perfect sleep, ready to awaken with a kiss from a handsome prince when America needs him most or the technology to restore his youth has been created." surely you mean "kiss from a beautiful princess"?

smiley - biroBut Sleeping Beauty and Snow White weren't kissed by beautiful princesses, they were kissed by handsome princes*! The only Disney film I can think of in which a kiss was needed from a Princess rather than a prince was 'The Princess and the Frog' which was made the Century after his death. As he's a pile of ash now, alas kisses from all the king's horses and all the king's men (and/or women) won't put Walt Disney together again... But I've now mentioned princesses too.

I've split up the sentence about Elias Disney, so hopefully that's less confusing now, and reworded the ambulance driver bit too and the bankruptcy sentence 'n' all.

Oh, and I'm sure Hannibal is wet – honest smiley - winkeye

<BB<

*Other than providing kisses, princes in Disney films are invariably completely useless. Yet everyone complains about how the princesses are unsuitable role models for young girls. At least they are all capable of actually doing something...


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 5

Tavaron da Quirm - Arts Editor

I also think it is very comprehensive!

Still, I have some more questions. smiley - laugh

'In late 1948 Walt began manufacturing his own miniature railway, a 1 ½ inch scale model '
Is that the size of the train or the distance of the rails or something else? (it's really quite irrelevant for understanding the Entry as a whole, but as you mention it...

'All of these elements would end up in Disneyland except for the animals on the jungle cruise; despite his hopes, the wild animals he most wanted to appear in the cruise could not be trained.'
As far as I remember from when I was at Disneyland in LA there is a tour with a boat through a jungle with mechanical animals. But maybe it wasn't there from the start.


A very good Entry! smiley - cheers


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 6

Bluebottle

Thanks for continuing reading – I'm glad I didn't put you off. I've changed the scale model size to reflect the gauge (distance between the rails), rather than the scale.
I've also clarified the Jungle Cruise section. The Jungle Cruise was an original ride, complete with the mechanical animals. Walt, though, had originally hoped to have real animals, but was warned that the lions, tigers, crocodiles would refuse to co-operate...

I do wonder if Walt Disney is one of the most famous men who have ever lived. Thinking about it, his name has appeared on hundreds of films and cartoons since 1923, on theme parks, shops, television channels, cuddly toys, videos, clothes, plates, food. The only thing which makes me unsure if he is the most famous is that, although his name is everywhere, is his face that famous? Do people actually recognise what he looks like, or just his signature logo?

<BB<


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 7

Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor

"The myth persists that, like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or King Arthur he still lives, frozen in a perfect sleep, ready to awaken with a kiss from a handsome prince when America needs him most or the technology to restore his youth has been created." surely you mean "kiss from a beautiful princess"?

smiley - biro But Sleeping Beauty and Snow White weren't kissed by beautiful princesses, they were kissed by handsome princes*! The only Disney film I can think of in which a kiss was needed from a Princess rather than a prince was 'The Princess and the Frog' which was made the Century after his death. As he's a pile of ash now, alas kisses from all the king's horses and all the king's men (and/or women) won't put Walt Disney together again... But I've now mentioned princesses too.

smiley - oribbut surely Walt Disney would want a kiss from a beautiful princess to awaken *him* (Disney) I meant, rather than from a handsome prince. smiley - bigeyes


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 8

Bluebottle

I've no reason to question Walt's sexuality – he stayed happily married for many years (and despite his fame and fortune, never used his power to become a womaniser) so you are right, Walt would prefer to be kissed from a beautiful princess rather than prince. Mind you, if I were dead and a prince kissed me and I awoke, on the whole, I'd be quite pleased, what with the whole joy at being resurrected*. It's a bit like someone asking you if you'd rather drown or have mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from someone you are least likely to ever fancy. Unpleasant experiences (such as kisses from people you don't fancy) are transitory, death is rather permanent...

But anyway, I've changed that bit from 'handsome prince' to 'beautiful princess' smiley - tongueout

<BB<

*As a bonus, if you ever ran out of money, you could always sell your story to a newspaper too.


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 9

Gnomon - time to move on

This is a good entry, Bluebottle, and should certainly be in the Guide. The content is good enough that I can't suggest any improvements.

As usual for your entries, I'm going to nitpick, as your entries require a lot of sub-editing, and I'd prefer to ease the sub-ed's load. I know you won't mind.

I've only time to look at half of it at the moment, but I'll try and look at the rest later.

-----------------------------------------------------
Phrasing, Choice of Words:

You don't need to call him "Walt Disney" every time you mention him. You could call him "Walt" or "Disney". Use "Walt" when there are other members of the Disney family in nearby sentences. Elsewhere, call him "Disney".

his brother Roy, who looked after both him and Ruth. -- you told us just two sentences earlier that Roy looked after Walt like a father.

He briefly was to be called Mortimer Mouse, yet Walt Disney's wife considered this too pretentious.

-- "yet" is the wrong word here. "But" would fit better.

in both his films and in his theme parks
-->
in both his films and his theme parks
or
both in his films and in his theme parks

but being 16 was rejected for being too young -->
but being 16, he was rejected as too young

As they were both now unemployed, Walt proposed that they form a business together, -- it's not immediately clear that you are talking about Disney and Iwerks here. You could perhaps say "... Walt proposed to Iwerks that..."

moved for health reasons for California --> moved for health reasons to California

Yet before this was finished, with no money left to pay for food and Walt resorting to filming children for parents in order to raise enough money to live, Walt was forced to declare bankruptcy. -- this sentence is too long and it has "Walt" in it twice. Reword it to make it shorter and remove the repetition of "Walt".

to interest producers with his Alice film --> to interest producers in his Alice film

Since you say in the text that Ubbe Iwwerks changed the spelling of his name to Ube Iwerks, you don't need the footnote also explaining this.

new techniques being tried and tested -- the phrase "tried and tested" normally means techniques that have been proven to be effective and are not new and cutting-edge. Change this to "new techniques being tried".

used not only across animation studios but all filmmakers --> used not only across animation studios but by all filmmakers

Yet everything that happened in the studio had to meet with his approval. -- the word "Yet" is out of place here, because this sentence is not telling us something that contradicts the previous sentence. Just leave the word out.

a 5-year exclusive animated rights --> the 5-year exclusive animated rights

had also taken a toll --> had also taken their toll

first and second pregnancy --> first and second pregnancies

He and Lillian finally enjoyed their first holiday as a married couple, and in 1932, having tried a variety of sports including swimming, dancing, horse-riding and golf, became addicted to polo. -- did both Walt and Lillian become addicted to polo? Or did you mean that Walt became addicted?

"Mickey, having changed from his initial rebellious nature and evolved into the epitome of respectability, which had the disadvantage of making him less interesting than a naughty character. " -- the grammar of this is wrong - there's no verb. Change it to:

Mickey had changed...

a short film is only the support for a film's feature --> a short film is only the support for the feature film

After Snow White's success, he began spending more time with Lillian and his daughters, especially after he quit playing polo after closely witnessing an accident at a match between MGM and the Disney Studios which resulted in the death of Gordon Westcott.

-- this is too long. Break it up.

from between 300-700 -> from 300 to 700

-----------------------------------------------------
Spelling and PUnctuation:

"He is one of only two men to have an entire major American studio named after himself1, his name is now synonymous with animation, theme parks and family entertainment."

You've joined two sentences together with a comma. You should use "and" instead, just before "his name".

Walt never felt close to his father2 perhaps -- add a comma after "father" (after the footnote)

5-month long --> 5-month-long

with all his possessions, a reel of Alice's Wonderland -- this would work better with a colon after possessions rather than a comma.

26 year-old --> 26-year-old

he had sought, but never enjoyed -- this would be better if you removed the comma

I've only checked as far as the header "1950s – Back in the Black". I'll try and look at the rest another day.

smiley - oksmiley - booksmiley - galaxy
cel-animated film8; Snow White. -- change the semicolon to a colon


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 10

Bluebottle

I'm happy with all the corrections suggested, so have made changes accordingly. smiley - smiley

<BB<


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 11

Gnomon - time to move on

Here's the rest:

"a group of nine senior animators9 a role in advising him make decisions"

-- something wrong with this. "advising him make decisions" isn't right.

$1 million at steak -- that's a lot of beef! It should be "stake"

7 ¼-inch -- remove the space after 7

The 2,500-feet railway --> The 2,500-foot railway

was capable of pulling passengers -- this sounds as if the passengers were dragged along behind the engine -->
was capable of pulling passenger carriages

ABC was the youngest television network, and though two thirds of American households owned a television, it was CBS and NBC that attracted most viewers

-- I don't understand this. Are CBS and NBC not television networks?

The park opened on 17 July, 1955. Although the park was not fully built when it opened -- change the second "the park" to "it" or just leave it out completely.

a much greater reduced budget --> a much reduced budget

New York World Fair --> New York World's Fair

"In 1960 Walt was contacted by Robert Moses, co-ordinator of the 1964 New York World Fair, with a view to create exhibits. Walt began contacting sponsors in order to interest them in allowing him to create exhibits. Walt had some exhibits in mind, and wished to see how popular the exhibits would be..."

-- this needs to reworded. Firstly, in the first sentence it should be "creating exhibits". But then you repeat the phrase in the next sentence, and you have exhibits twice in the third sentence too.

For to create lifelike models --> For the lifelike models

Disney used a tape system developed for the Polaris nuclear submarine -->
Disney used a system developed for the Polaris nuclear submarine

(because you mention in the next sentence that it is based on a tape system)

and be a city that combined the best --> and would be a city that combined the best

As Walt Disney was one of the first...
-- this long sentence would be better split up by removing the word "As" at the start and putting a full stop after America.

one of the first celebrities of television generation -->
one of the first celebrities of the television generation

He was someone many felt to they knew -->
He was someone many felt they knew

was met with anger and hatred, both towards Unions and Banks -->
was met with anger and hatred, particularly towards unions and banks

not only at his home, around his theme parks but also in films -->
not only at his home and around his theme parks but also in films


I'm not convinced by your conclusion about father figures in Disney movies. Sleeping Beauty's father had quite a prominent part in the movie while her mother was a non-entity. And the father figure George in 101 Dalmations is far more important than the mother. Pinocchio's father Giapetto is also important.

And the lack of a father in Snow White, The Jungle Book and The Sword and the Stone are all based on the original stories rather than something introduced by Disney.

pass through two offices, a reception room and Disney's secretary -- they hardly had to pass through the secretary, did they? smiley - laugh


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 12

Florida Sailor All is well with the world

Let me put an oar in the water heresmiley - ok

>>was capable of pulling passengers -- this sounds as if the passengers were dragged along behind the engine -->
>was capable of pulling passenger carriages

was capable of pulling passengers in carriages

Even small models pull passenger carriages without people inside.


>ABC was the youngest television network, and though two thirds of American households owned a television, it was CBS and NBC that attracted most viewers

-- I don't understand this. Are CBS and NBC not television networks?

Let me offer an explanation from an American point of view;

ABC, the American Broadcasting System, was the last of the 'big three' television networks to be formed. CBS, the Columbian Broadcasting System and NBC, the National Broadcasting Corporation, were already established. All three of these networks were private corporations who's sole income came from paid commercial messages.

Another network - PBS, The Public Broadcasting System, also existed before ABC, but they were funded by government grants and donations and did not allow advertising, except for mentioning the name of a sponsoring company.

As the last network many ABC stations were assigned to the UHF range of channels that required a special antenna for reception.

I am not expecting any of this to be added to the Entry, but only to help you decide if anything need further explanation.


BB you bullet list might be improved with a few additions

>
A section based on his beloved home town of Marceline. - Main Street USA
An area inspired by his nostalgic view of America's frontier history. - Frontier Land
An area inspired by his love of fantasy and fairytale. - Fantasy Land
An area dedicated to his love of animals, complete with a jungle cruise featuring real animals. - Adventure Land
An area dedicated to celebrating the future. - Tomorrow Land
And a railway all around it all.

The Disney Parks still use these names for each section

>As animation work in the 1950s was slowing down, this meant he was able to retain some of his most talented employees who might otherwise have been made redundant.

It would be good to mention that he coined the name 'Imagineers' to describe his design team - a mixture of imagination and engineering. I have worked with a few of them (2 or 3) over the years and they are interesting people!

>but also the ultimate in new worlds to create; a new utopian city he planned himself. This city would be called EPCOT, the Experimental Prototype Community Of Tomorrow, and be a city that combined the best of rural traditions with city living, with futuristic and clean means of transport.

Long after his death the city of Celebration was formed on the south side of the Interstate Highway below Disney World in Florida. It is a functional community, with its own school, hospital and down town district (not to be confused with 'Down town Disney' which is an entertainment complex. It is not a park, but a real town with full-time residents.

smiley - cheers

F smiley - dolphin S


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 13

bobstafford

The Columbian System
did th USA had ethnic TV then FS


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 14

Florida Sailor All is well with the world

Let me offer an explanation from an American point of view;

ABC, the American Broadcasting System, was the last of the 'big three' television networks to be formed. CBS, the Columbian Broadcasting System and NBC, the National Broadcasting Corporation, were already established. All three of these networks were private corporations who's sole income came from paid commercial messages.

smiley - facepalm the Columbia Broadcasting System. I'm not sure of the original origin of the name, but it comes from the record company. smiley - shrug


smiley - cheers

F smiley - dolphin S


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 15

bobstafford

Columbia perhaps, any way that was a good appraisal of the few points that needed a tweek. smiley - ok


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 16

Gnomon - time to move on

OK. So CBS and NBC are television networks. So Bluebottle's sentence:

"though two thirds of American households owned a television, it was CBS and NBC that attracted most viewers."

needs to be reworded. It says that although many people had televisions, two channels were popular. This isn't a place where you can use "although". I suggest rewording the whole sentence as:

At the time, television was already very popular, with two thirds of American households owning a television. ABC was the youngest television network, and most people watched the more established CBS and NBC.


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 17

Bluebottle

More changes made, thanks all.smiley - smiley

Floridasmiley - dolphinSailor,
Thanks for that information about American television history – definitely very interesting. I think the article's already quite long enough, so I won't add any of it (tempted as I am to have another footnote, I feel I must resist), but I'm glad you mentioned it and corrected as Gnomon suggested. Feel free to put your oar in again!

I've also added the information about imagineers, names of the lands in the theme parks. As I've also added the Celebration information, I'm giving you an 'Additional research by' credit.

As you say, even small models pull passenger carriages without people inside. From the pictures I've seen, it appears that the passengers sit on rather than in the open-top carriages, so I've changed it to 'passenger-carrying carriages'.

Gnomon, always happy to have a friendly debate.

Of course I am not stating that every single Disney film made during Walt Disney's lifetime are totally devoid of fathers. Some do indeed have quite strong father figures – perhaps the greatest is 'Swiss Family Robinson', where Mr Robinson manages to dismantle a ship, build a treehouse, raise 3 sons and still have time to fortify his home, play an organ and organise animal races – smiley - whistlesmiley - musicalnoteSo here's to you, Mr Robinson. Disney loves you more than you can know, oh oh oh.
The thing is, it is still a recurring theme. True, the lack of a father in Snow White etc are largely due to the original stories, yet Disney chose to make the stories that appealed to him. If a large number of the stories he chose to adopt did not contain strong father figures, that can be considered a pattern. Another thing to consider is that Disney did not treat original stories religiously, and frequently introduced new characters to them or expanded minor roles. In the original 'Pinocchio' novel there is no Jiminy Cricket. Baloo is a very minor character in Kipling's 'The Jungle Book' while the family of wolves are almost totally edited out of the finished film. Gofur the gopher is not in the Winnie the Pooh books. Had Disney wanted to shoe-horn in a strong father role in any of his adaptations of stories that did not originally contain one, he would have done. Yet he refrained from doing so.
Giapetto is indeed an important character, but he is not really a fit father figure. His role in 'Pinnochio' is to dump a child less than a day old outside his home and tell him to go to school, even though Pinocchio has never even been outside before. Though Pinocchio isn't a typical babe only a few hours old, and has the vocal abilities of, say, a 5-year-old, he still has the life experience of a newborn. Even if Pinocchio had the knowledge and experience of a 5 year old, Geppetto would still have been extremely irresponsible to not walk him there himself. My son is 5 and has walked to school on many, many occasions, but I would never dream of just plonking him outside the house and expecting him to get to school on his own. Yes, Geppetto is inexperienced, old and senile and makes one mistake, but that mistake condemns him; he is not a good father.

Or that's what I think, anyway smiley - winkeye

<BB<


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 18

Gnomon - time to move on

Well argued, BB. Leave it in, so.smiley - smiley


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 19

Gnomon - time to move on

I've been to Celebration. It's a strange place. There are very strict building regulations, so that all the houses look very pretty and match each other; even the colour of your front door is regulated, and there are rules about what people are allowed do on the streets. On Christmas Eve (the day I was there), they spray fake snow (made from foam) into the air on Celebration Main Street and play Christmas Carols over speakers.

There's no doubt that Celebration is very pretty and probably a nice place to live. This may be no bad thing, considering the sort of mess the rest of Florida is, but you can't really tackle a social problem by regulating against it. I suspect that Celebration deals with poverty by being too expensive for any poor people to ever move there.


A87812553 - Walt Disney - Earth's Most Famous Showman

Post 20

Woolly Mammoth

I loved this entry, it's a really interesting story, and seems well written. The one thing I would consider would be to split it into sections as it's quite a lot to read in one go. I also found that reading it it split into sections naturally. 'Early Life' 'During the War' and so on.

I may be barking up the wrong tree.. but


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