h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The importance of the Humble Essay as an indispensible piece of lifesaving equipment - A2394344
Author: Utter Bewilderment - Thingite preacher, sporkite and vogon poet - Visit A1117333, The Society of Bathtime Gurglers! - U198090

Just a random piece of writing I did to ease the stress of university - any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

I think this is a decent story, engagingly told and amusing. The pacing is not bad, the only bit that I found to drag was the conversation between the teachers. I think if you redraft it you should think about cutting that section out or developing it a bit more.

The real problem, I think, is that it is overwritten. There's some serious adjective abuse going on here and the tags that follow speech (there's probably a fancy word for that but if there is I know it not) are a bit clumsy. A brisk and ruthless edit would do this story a world of good.

I enjoyed reading it though, so thanks.

N

Thanks for the advice - I wasn't expecting anyone to comment on it so soon after I posted it! I agree that the conversation between the teachers is a bit random and confusing especially when taken in isolation. The story is actually a chapter from a longer story I'm writing about a rather corrupt public school full of eccentric staff and typically cheeky students. I think maybe I should shorten the conversation bit, or perhaps throw in a bit of scandal about one of the members of staff!

I agree that I have a tendency to overwrite and an excessive aversion to the word "said"! It probably stems from the fact that I spend much of my time reading almost incomprehensibly complicated philosophy books for my degree course!

I'll give the thing a good editing when I've finished my nasty essay!

N

Hooray! Home from uni - should be able to edit my guide entries soon!

How did the nasty essay go?

Looking at it again I think this works particularly well as a discrete story, the shape of it is right for a short story. Might you think about writing the larger piece as a set of linked short stories? I think it might detract from this piece for it to be embedded in a longer piece. Anyway, just a thought.

And remember to watch those adjectives.
N

I enjoyed that. Particularly this picture:
"the door was flung open and Ellenglaze and Garty wafted silently out. Ellenglaze floated away down the corridor on a transcendental philosophical cloud all of her own, the bulbous figure of Garty trudging on behind her, marking their path down the musty corridor with a billowing trail of pipe smoke.

And you've got some meat in there too with the possible sacrifice of the essay.

I like it. I won't add to nadia's comments except to say that if it's a part of a longer piece then having a good review of it as a piece in it's own right makes sense.

Waz

Time for , the apostrophes are running amok.
Waz

Thanks Waz

Still need to work on those speech tags sometime...

Just posting to get this bit of piffle back to the top of the list! Sorry to barge in!

Hey that was a long essay you had to do there - welcome back .

Waz

Yes... when doing a philosophy degree the essays just seem to melt into each other with the overall effect of creating a great lump of essay hell! Then there were the exams... URGH! Now I'm hoping to be able to write a few more short stories, although I can't decide whether at the end of the last one the lad should leave school having got away with everything or be expelled in disgrace on his last day of the 6th form. Actually, that'd be a shame - I think I want him to somehow win the headmaster's award!!