h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Erm, the horoscope idea is marvelous, guys. Really. I love funny horoscopes...

I just have to ask, though—is it all right with Comedy Cental that you, erm, base it on their, ah... idea? Nudge nudge wink wink?

I won't tell if you don't, naturally. I certainly don't mean to come in here seeming rude, as it couldn't be farther from my intention—I just take an unnatural interest in these things. But it'd probably be nice of you to give the comdotcom lads a link.

Kristina Marie, I agree with everything you say.

A credit to Comedy Central is posted on the intro page.

It says "Based on an idea from Comedy Central".

The Internet is a funny thing, plagarism is becoming fashionable. Imitation is classic flattery. I first wrote FUN horoscopes in 1970 while at school.

A few points. Most of mine are original. I make no money from them. They are anonymous, no delusions of grandeur.

I will add a link to Comedy Central. I hope they reciprocate.

Loontunes. (Even my name is a ripoff joke)

For no apparent reason I have decided to post the following which is in no way based on any thing remotely connected to Comedy Central.

A complete astrological consultation is based on time, date and place of birth. When you check out your horoscope in the newspaper, a magazine or at your favourite portal you are generally dealing with sun-sign astrology which generalises particular qualities so as to make them applicable to a broader range of scenarios. Don't make life-altering decisions based on the weekend papers or rantings promoted for profit!

People have looked to the stars for astral feedback into their lives for millennia. Religious belief systems, cults, science, space exploration, sailing, popular magazines and other fairy tales rely on the stars to explain everything from the geographical position of far off planets to whether or not hot pink is your colour of the week.

And then God made Americans. Most of the world would be happy with horoscopes like the ones following but alas, too much irony. The Americans would get upset. Or worse. Would ask people “what does it all mean”?

AQUARIUS. You may have come up with the ultimate invention/plan/idea but chances are others will fail to understand what you are babbling about. At some stage of the week you will overindulge in caffeine and quite possibly think you are Hercules or Xena. Wear sensible shoes and don't do anything that could cause injury. Remember superheroes have stunt people.

PISCES Chances are that your big plans may be too much for others to swallow all at once. Remember, baby steps. Otherwise too much hard work can make you a very dry fish. You worked out too hard at the gym. Eat gooey chocolate cake immediately.

ARIES If it's a sign for the skies you're after then stay inside the rainy days aren't over yet. Chances are, a recently fed sparrow will be passing overhead and make take a potluck shot at your head. Don't talk too loudly and keep a low profile, those around you are stressed and may hit you if you try offering advice.

TAURUS The future is bright but the week will kick off badly. You will be stuck in traffic and your radio isn't working. Make sure you have a steering wheel lock or car security system. Failing this don't leave anything of value in your car as it may be stolen as an alternative getaway car. If you have the choice take the bus. If you don't, complain to your local council.

GEMINI Regardless of how many people you think you are Gemini, you're still only capable of doing one thing at a time, this is not the week to experiment with multi-tasking. Delegate boring tasks to others, they may not appreciate it but judging by the look on your face, they should realise that this isn't a good time to argue. Do not take painkillers for you headache. Go to the pub.

CANCER Take heed now or at some stage during the week you will wake up and discover that there is no coffee in the house. And you will need it. The ensuing morning will be plagued by hordes of locusts gnawing at your sanity. If you're nodding in agreement at this you shouldn't have even turned the computer on. Take a break immediately.

LEO The air-conditioning in your office is in overdrive reminding you of the stories you've heard about freezing works. Being of a carnivorous nature you may start salivating. Go and find a sunny spot and bask in it, remind yourself of that tropical island holiday that you are going to take in the New Millennium, and then get back to work and stop procrastinating you lazy schmuck!

VIRGO
If you're thinking about giving up smoking wait until the weekend or your work colleagues will be forced to kill you. Your sense of calm and order may be overwhelmed this week so you need to be careful not to push yourself over the edge. Replace one of your caffeine fixes with a vodka enhanced juice derivative.

LIBRA
Don't believe everything you read. In fact for the next two weeks believe nothing and throw any proposals straight into the bin. Your ability to absorb what's going on around you has been poisoned by recent election propaganda. Go to a beach at night and reacquaint yourself with empty spaces not filled with the grinning faces of politicians. You can also scream and shout loudly.

SCORPIO You're making business plans. Think about growing bananas. Unless of course you live south of the equator in which case it's not warm enough and this would be a stupid idea. Your fertile mind needs focusing. Start the week by attempting everything. By Tuesday you'll have narrowed down your tasks to one. Spend the rest of the week doing this task and tell everyone else you're very busy.

SAGGITARIUS Mow the lawns. You can only put it off for so long. It's almost time to do what you do best, the celestial forces are coming your way and it's time to rock and roll. So mow the lawns, clean yourself up a bit and get all other mundane stuff out of the way. Now!

CAPRICORN
Appearances are not always what they seem. You have been lulled into a false sense of security so your defences are down. Assume nothing and fill your petrol tank before embarking on a medium length journey. Your petrol gauge may be broken.

They are not Americacentric, will we lose our audience?

Publish and be imitated, we say