h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Anniversary Present - A12051541
Author: minorVogonpoet - U3099090

Any good?

Yes it is.

I get gloom, doubt - compassion, yes, but slightly worn down - a marriage at a turning point.

There are one or two lines that could work better, I think. I'm a writing craftsman, not a poet or an artist - and in addition very tired. Besides English is my second language. I'll give it a fresh look over tomorrow.

Excellent.

Hope you're not talking from personal experience

I think it's good.

I like the very matter of fact tone in which it is written. But then I like brutal poetry. The style is also quite blunt - I am not sure whether this is a good thing as it reflects the subject matter, or whether polishing it a bit might give it a bit more pizazz.

sprout

I think it's good too. I like it a lot, it's got bite.

Something to give a touch more stress to 'give' in 'I give you' to equal the weight on 'gave' in 'you gave me' is the only constructive I can offer up.

Waz

Many thanks for the comment.This is one of my rough, feminist poems. I also do more polished, lyrical poems but I haven't put any on the Workshop

Thanks. Fictionalised, i think.

Thanks. I did rather dash it off.

Thanks. Would 'I present you'be better?

Only if you think it's better.

It does what I was getting at, and works for me - I hadn't thought of 'present'.

It's a good image - the split pin. One that'll stay in mind for a while.

Waz

Great extended metaphor there. It kind of reminds me of (was it Carol ann Duffy?) that poem with the Onion, in which the poet used an onion as a metaphor for love.

Very intrestin and a bit sad

Thanks. Yes, I had read Carol Ann Duffy's poem.

Thanks.

Your welcome

As just posted to 'You are my Bicycle', this poem has been selected for the <./>underguide</.>.

Congratulations again, I won't repeat the details from the other post, but I will say thanks again,

UGeds

Many thanks for selecting my poems. It's nice to get some recognition