h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My agent laughed til she cried.
"If you submit this, you should hide!
The plot is a goner.
Your prose has no honor.
Your protagonists should be fried!"

Johnny Depp will be starring as Tonto.
Let's all see "The Lone Ranger" pronto.
Let's see Armie Hammer.
I hope he won't stammer.
Perhaps it was filmed in Toronto

This post is three thousand and three!
A whole lot of verse, you'll agree.
It varies in quality,
Subject, frivolity,
Sanity, taste, and 3D.

And who come round and pat our backs?
Publicity is what this thread lacks!
But if we invite all
To a Limerick recital
Will we get men in dirty macs?

Limericks are an acquired taste.
Publicity would go to waste.
Let us do our best,
And let all the rest
Go rushing around in great haste.

The cosmos is powered by potatoes.
It has even more might than NATO's.
It can have the French fried,
Wreak havoc with the tide,
And thwart you with soggy tomatoes.

There are those who can counsel you verbally
And others will doctor you herbally
But still I maintain
That the old pint of plain
Is your man, and the rest is hyperbole.




"A pint of plain is your only man" is the refrain of Jem Casey, 'the poet of the pick', a character in Flann O'Brien's novel 'At Swim-Two-Birds' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/At_Swim-Two-Birds

Said the Doctor " 'twas just as I feared,
This thing's made it's nest in your beard.
You must be courageous,
It's highly contagious"
(A man with a flame gun appeared).

My teeth I quite frequently gnash:
There's toothpaste caught in my moustache.
I can't explain why.
Makes no sense to cry,
Except it looks too much like hash.

Most fences will rarely talk.
More rarely still will fences walk,
But most gates with ease
Will swing in the breeze,
And even take trips to New Yawk

Her slippers -- one ruby, one glass --
Supposedly show she has class.
Her case promptly melts:
She wears nothing else!
Her date takes one look, says "Alas!"

The title says "each post a lim'rick"
So I think I should write one - and quick!
But I need a good plan
Can I get it to scan?
Or should I just hit myself hard with a stick?

I am writing this on the run.
Quite likely I'll have me some fun.
It might not be clever,
[Well, not hardly ever].
In any case, now it is done.

I'd like to live in a tree.
The fresh air life is for me.
I'd swing on a vine
And drink mango wine,
And then see the Duchess for tea.

They say that when chewing your pork
It's very bad manners to talk
(that goes, too, of course,
For the nice apple sauce)
And woe betide you if you

My heart is beating too fast.
My exhilaration can't last.
I slow down and drink
Lemonade that is pink,
And try to fade into the past

Geggs is calling for a nice juicy quote
Well some of these lim'ricks get my vote
I might send him a mail
And put him on the trail
On something that one of us wrote

A limerick that would be quotable
Should feature a theme that is notable.
Some exotic lands.
A man with six hands.
An old can of beer that's still potable.

You flatter me. See my cheeks flush!
Such compliments just seem to gush.
I am on cloud 9.
Such praise is divine.
The one thing I'll not say is "Hush!"