h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

God I hope nobody comes to see this show.

Luckily, my mind's been taken off of that by a million other things that have been brought back to my attention... stuff that worries and frightens me which is why I stopped thinking about it in the first place... but it's nice to know that the all-around uneasiness and the vague general sick feeling are nothing to do with stage fright or anything silly like that.

After all, as recently as an hour ago, I was jealous. I've forgotten all about being jealous now. Think of that as you will... either I've found more rational things to think about or I'm a despicable creature that doesn't deserve to live, right? I know the answer. At least I think I do. I don't know very much right now. I used to know things. I think I should enjoy knowing things now, because I'm leaving soon and I'll never know anything again. No. It can't be as bad as it seems. It's never as bad as it seems...

It's always as bad as it seems. I have very good judgment. At least it seems like I do. I have to work to believe it, and I would never tell anybody anything that sounds so stupid, but I just have. I do. If it seems bad, it usually is. I don't want it to be bad. What do I want? Do I want someone to convince me that it isn't bad and it shouldn't seem bad? Because whenever anybody tries to, it only makes it seem worse. Exponentially worse. Maybe it's because if it wasn't going to be bad then no one would have to try to make me feel better about it. Maybe it's because the only time anyone tries to make me feel better about it is when I'm feeling fine about it. Because they don't feel so good about it just then? I think so. I think I'm out of synch. Things would be so much easier if I could just be more in touch, more like everybody else. Did I really just think that? Since when do I want...?

I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to bed. I need to go to bed.

I've got a show to do in the morning.

I'm not going to bed yet. I have more to think about. I need to think like this. This is the easiest way to think.

They send out room assignments in June. I think they send the name and number of my roommate. What am I supposed to do? Do I call her? What do I say? I wouldn't know what to say. Do I wait for her to call me, so she can be the one to think of something to say? What if she waits too, and then it gets way too late to call because it would seem weird? Do I just wait, then, and meet her when I move in? Wouldn't that be stupid, since I don't have to? But what would I say? "Hi, you're going to be living with me in two months, so I thought I'd check you out and see if you're a bitch." Well, at least I had the foresight to mark "limited visitation." I almost didn't. But I figure it narrows my chances of being forced to room with a slut. Or at least of being kept awake nights by one. People are very inconsiderate. I know a lot of inconsiderate people. Most of them are sluts.

Yeah, this is more than I should put in my journal. I shouldn't do this in my journal. I should keep personal things personal. This is public... and my journal meant to instigate discussion, which isn't really the idea tonight... I don't care. I need to think. If it's long, no one will read it anyway.

Sometimes I wonder what I care most about. I think I know. I think I care most about whatever is in the room with me at the moment. I think my ability to think ahead and focus on the larger picture leaves something to be desired. Out of sight, out of mind. I don't think that's good. I think I should do something about it, but that would mean becoming a different person. I don't know how to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a different person. I just want to be less easygoing. I think I could be more the person I am now if I could be less... I want to care more about things. I want to be able to get excited about things, and to be openly disappointed, and to be unabashed and unafraid to be either, or both, and I want to be able to do things without being so worried that it might be inconvenient to someone, or make someone feel guilty, or make someone think less of me, or annoy someone, or embarrass someone, or... anything. I want to be more awake to everything. Only... I'm so bad at it. And I hate it when I'm doing it, and I hate myself when I'm being bad at it, and even more when I'm being very good at it... I don't like myself and I can't turn it off. I don't know. I don't know what I want.

I don't know.

And it can't always be that anyway. Why am I afraid to be jealous? Who am I afraid of hurting? Who could I hurt? That can't be it. Why do I just feel so stupid? There's no other way to put it... I just feel stupid, pathetic, pitiful. Stupid. I don't know. I think... I don't know.

This isn't the time to miss people. I can't go around missing people who are still here. There's no point mourning the living. Yeah? No. I don't... no. Of course. I'm right. I can think it. I can think it fine. It's doing it that's not easy. But not always... just on days like today... what makes today different from any other day? What makes days like today days like today? How can I let everything bombard me all at once today? It wouldn't if I didn't have to ignore everything all the time. If I would let it bother me when it wants to instead of pushing everything away and pretending the world is perfect... then... I wouldn't have it all in my head now. All at once, swirling and swimming and jolting and sliding, all these stupid jagged details pushing and shoving their way to the front, and I wouldn't have to do this, I wouldn't have to spend the whole night on the verge of tears but with nothing really to cry for, or maybe lots to cry for and I won't let myself. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's why I'm doing this. I have to face it, all of it, if I can see it. There's power in words.

It's not like it's just the bad things. It's all the things. I don't have anything to save me from this. I can't think about the good things. I feel guilty about the good things. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. A lot of things I do are stupid and I know they are but that doesn't mean I don't do them. Sometimes you don't have a choice... I don't have a choice in that. I've always felt guilty about the good things. It isn't fair that I should have something that other people don't have. Anything. I don't mind when others have things that I don't have. I don't mind. I don't need everything. I don't want everything. I don't want anything. I would be better off with nothing. At least I wouldn't have anything to hide... I just don't like having things go right for me. Isn't that stupid? It is. God. I can't help it. I don't tell people the good things. I don't like to. I don't want to. I don't want anyone to know what I can do. I don't want anyone to know what I have done. I'm ashamed of those things... people expect them from me anyway... everyone expects them of me... I know that's why I don't want anyone to know what I can't do, either. Because I don't like to disappoint anyone, ever, and because somehow I manage to have a hopelessly sturdy sense of pride without being able to be proud of any particular thing...

What is it that I want? What is it that I don't have? Why am I always so afraid to try for the things that I really want? Am I afraid I won't get them? Can it really be that simple? Am I afraid I will? Am I afraid I will get what I want, and someone might find out? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Any of it? What am I working toward?

The thing that makes me more sad and guilty than anything else is when I know people love me. Why?

I'm sorry. I won't let this happen again. I just needed to think. I need to stop pushing everything out. Sorry.

I love you. Now Relax

*hugs KM*

I love you too. Stuff's sometimes scary and confusing. The nice thing to know is, most of the people in the world are as scared and confused as you are. The ones that don't look like they are are mostly just pretending.

College will be tons of fun. I had good roommates and bad roommates, but they usually work out just fine. And if it's intolorable, all colleges will take that into account and move you to another dorm or room. Remember, nothing is locked in stone and if anything becomes too much, you can always get it changed. Majors, life, location, schools, people, anything.

I understand how you feel. It's okay to feel that way. I love you. You'll really be okay. I promise.

*HUG*

Thanks.

I'm fine now. Provided you understand "fine" as "returned to the customary state of complete oblivion and nonchalance."

*shrug* But, you know.

Hi! I'm supposed to hug you lots.

*HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG*
*HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG*
*HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG**HUG*

and take good care of you because certain people that we know *COUGHANT* worry.

*sings the "It's Okay" song and places tons of oreos on the kitchen table*

Just doin' my job.

Awwww.

*hugs back*

No, I'm fine now, honestly.

And if I'm not fine tomorrow I'll keep it to myself anyway.