h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

One

Once upon a time, in a world not to dissimilar to our own lived a fish whose name no one quite actually remembers. But we will call him the dead dog fish, since incidentally that was what he was. He had a small problem. He was dead. He was also in the middle of the Australian bush-land, just outside of a place known commonly as "Frank's Hut". Every year he watched as the seasons passed and all he could do was gloat at the ghost of Frank who, incidentally, was incurably stupid for a Ghost. His fellow incorporeal being held the key to the hut. Inside was who knows what wonders of the Human Ghosts world. The dead dog fish, whose body had been thrown just outside the hut by the thoughtless idiot inside it (Frank) just before it had burned to the ground for the first (but not last) time, had no choice but to ever be tied to the area, but not actually ever be allowed inside the hut.

It was going to be another fine day. He just knew it. He could feel the Sun just tingling with excitement beyond the horizon as it was getting reedy to put on its pants, jump out of its bed and start yet another hot, sunny summers day. The sort that made the dead dog fish wish that the sun didn't exist at all. The flies hug around near this bog and it called many hikers and scouts to pass this way on there quests to whatever place it was that hikers and scouts went. The dead dog fish was just getting down and dirty with the mist of his melancholy when Frank ran out of the hut and hit the Barrier for the third time this week.
Frank ran at the barrier. "ARRRRHRRGRGRGRGRGRGRGRGRGR!!!" and then there was a noise rather like tin foil being shredded to pieces by a large piece of copper wire coated in lemon juice.

The dead dog fish floated lazily over to the barrier were Frank was tending to his incorporeal pride. "Morning Frank." He said with a smug satisfied grin.

"Frank, I know your not the brightest brick in the wall or indeed the shortest plank in the building, I know you got something in that astral head, otherwise you wouldn't be able to talk, so tell me, why every three days you run up against the barrier? You know we are tied to this location." Asked the Dead dog fish.
"Well its very easy. The sun removes the barrier, just when it rises, every three days. For about 1 second. If we escape the barrier, we get to go be roamers, free of barriers, like some of the others we know." Explained Frank.
The dead dog fish was more than surprised at this obvious display of deduction, and cunning, Frank had so far in the twenty eight years of confinement to this small patch of bush-land near Gudgenby shown as much intelligence as you would expect of most 8 year old children.
"Ok, who are you and what have you done with our Frank?"
"I am Frank, what'da'mean what have I done? And what am I doing out here? I shouldn't have left the door open, now you bloody fish can get inside me hut! ARRHG" And at that Frank returned to the hut at a rate of knots.
Great, just great, thought the Dead dog fish, this was obviously something that needed further investigation. Not only did Frank have more intelligence than he had hitherto suspected, he had enough wits to act dumb. That was a level of smarts that simply salmoned the Dead dog fish. Bloody Salmon. They always thought they were smarter. Look at all the myths. Salmon of knowledge, Salmon of Doubt, Salmon of the Ages. Salmon that was fed to the starving masses, Salmon that killed J Edgar Hoover and so on. The Dead dog fish was just a dog fish. All he was famous for was being at the bottom of the North Sea and being roasted as part of the last meal of Humanity in the Armageddon tales told by the brothers Grim. He was fished out of the sea back in the days of industrial marketing, he wasn't quite sure of the details, and then kept in a tank till he got here, whereby he was taken to a hut and kept as a pet till one day, someone had chucked him out the window as the hut burned down. Now he was stuck here, anywhere within 15 meters of his deathbed, which thanks to a passing fox, was larger than Frank's, but not quite as large as he would have liked. The reason for this was because the bloody fox died eating him. Chocked on one of his bones. In about 10 minutes the bloody thing would be up for his daily chase. The Fox, of course knowing dam well it could not eat the the Dead Dog Fish, but chased him anyways.
*Sigh*
The dead dog fish was not looking forwards to seeing that incorporeal Fox coming from behind the...
*WHAMP*
"Got ya you slippery Fishy. I got ya. And this time aye didn't have to jump. What happening? You getting old?" Asked the Fox with a mouthful of Dead dog fish.
"You know perfectly well not, spirit brother, I am not getting old. I just did not think that you would come from behind the Kurrajong tree, its a new one I will give you that." Explained the Dead dog fish, flapping uselessly in the Foxes mouth.
"I better let you go 'en and chase ya, 'en, 'ase its not sporting if you don't know I am coming. What hip." Said the Fox in what seemed to be a mixture of a Welsh and Yorkshire accent.
"If you like. Its not like I have anything better to do today. Other than float around in melancholy and mope about. But I do want to talk to you about Frank sometime. You're lucky Fox. You get to roam 500 meeter. Frank got 10. I got 15. What was it with you?" Inquired the Dead dog fish.
"Probably 'arma." Said the Fox.
"But your a bloody fox! Your a foreign animal in a foreign land with about as much manners as the usual mollusk. You just eat whatever the hell is going and hunt whatever can't run away fast enough. You should have all of 1 meter, at that. Not 500. Thats if Karma has anything to do with it. And since when does a Fox know about Karma anyway?" Ranted the Dead dog fish.
"We foxes, anit just pretty tails you know. We have a highly structured society. I was close to what you may call a priest, as a fox. I got the 'est cuts of meet, the 'est prey, all for my wisdom in all matters 'arma related." Said the Fox.
"Pull the other one, unless this is a different Karma to the one I am referring to." The Dead dog fish was becoming more inquisitive.
"No Karma, 'Arma! Fox religion. It's all about dens, really, and cubs. Fights of passage, a bit about the 'ear, peking orders, scavenging rights and how to become closer to the great fox." Explained the Fox.
"So how high up were you when you decided to scavenge me?"
"I was a fox 'quilent to a bishop."
"Wow. No wonder you got 500 meters then, you must have been pretty close to the great fox."
"Not really, I just broke one of my vows, thats why I never got to the Great fox. Shes not a forgiving goddess."
"Really? What vow?"
"Don't eat dog fish."
"Predictable, should have seen that a mile coming I should. Just a question, why do you as a priest, except that as a vow?"
"Well were foxes, we pretty much break 'ery ruddy rule neway, so we make nonsansical vows, the more the better, I had 40 by the time I ate you."
"Did most of them involve Eating?"
"No, there be a strict order, number 40 is "Do not eat dog fish"".
"Ah. Ok. Any chase we can have that chat now, only your accent is giving me a gill ache."

Two

Ok Ye Daft Fishy. What is your plan?”
“I am not your daft fishy, but I do think Frank is keeping something from us. The guy holds the key. I know it.” The dead dog fish explained. “The key to what, you may ask? He has the key to escape. The key for us to be able to return to the natural world, or whatever next world we deserve. I think our days as ghosts are numbered.”
“Cor. You mean… We ‘uld b‘come free roamers?” Fox asked.
“Not only that, but I think we could be spirit guides, do extortion, intro phonemics, appear and disappear, all the ghostly stuff you get if you’re a free roamer. The whole box and dice. Not some bastard purgatory in the bush land.” The dead dog fish explained
“Cor.” Said fox wagging his incorporeal tail. “Oh. Well, great fox say it rain most days, so get ye food out of dustbins if ye can.”
“That’s quite a good quote, given I haven’t had a conversation with anyone who was willing to listen for the last 12 years and the last person I talked to was you.” DDF explained.
“What did I say?” Fox asked.
“You said “Hi I am behind the log today, I will catch you tomorrow, I am feeling a bit ill.”” Said DDF.
At this fox got up, stretched and walked off slowly swishing his tail. “I know what ye saying dead dog fish, it makes kinda sense to me. I know I’m the only one you see, but I get heaps other people to chase, so I be off and I will chase ye tomorrow and have another chat. I doubt you will escaped by then.”
The dead dog fish looked at the horizon and then looked at the hut, and then he sighed. The sun had now started to beat fire upon the land and raising the heat level to a massive level. He did not know what to do for the rest of the day. It was the same as always, all he got to do all day was deep melancholy and philosophy. The fox was his only friend and Frank was his only enjoyment. If was more of a religious shark he would theorize this was some sort of hell. If he could get that key off of Frank he would be able to escape this place and get back to the ocean. The big wide blue ocean. Were even if he was still a ghost, it would be cool, fresh, it would be nice. It would be above all wet. It would not be dry. He would not have to be forced to float in the air like he was now, and most of all, he would not have to think of the freak accident that got him here.
It was not worth thinking of it. That’s what he had to think to himself as the level of flies and other insects built up their usual chorus, and the world of the real started to make interferences with this one.
It happened every day, insect ghosts simply passed on, to whatever it was that was beyond this one, or perhaps went back. Point was none of them got stuck. You could see the real world from this one, a sort of underlay. Almost a blue color, it was as if it was just beyond the one he was in now. That’s the problem with being a shark, you have instinct, you have philosophy, and that’s it. Every dog fish was a dog fish unto himself.
Even when you did a pack hunt it was only because you had to get more food, and everyone was still an individual, no one in the dog fish world could stand another dog fish for longer than it took for a mating and that happened rarely.
The sun stayed going up for some time, in fact the day seemed to stretch on into the wee hours of the night before the sun had even decided that it was time for a bit of a kip and started going down. The dead dog fish cursed its very existence. Under the sea even in tropical waters the sun was never even slightly over a few degrees of heat, here it was like being in an oven all the time. Every single moment it was up was another moment that the dead dog fish did not want to have had. What was worse was that it seemed to be getting hotter slowly but surely, as if the sun was getting closer to them somehow. However the dead dog fish spotted something in the real world that caught his attention. Scouts.
Ah scouts. Brilliance. He waited as about 12 scouts slowly walked up the path towards the hut. They were all looking extremely tired and extremely annoyed at the sun as well. Almost all of them were carrying huge packs full of whatever scouts carried. They would be welcomed by Frank for sure. In fact he heard Frank spot them and start to prepare the hut. The incorporeal world could not influence the real one very easily, but both Frank and the dead dog fish were experienced with one particular set of prey, and that was scouts. They went inside the hut, and that was his cue. Frank immediately started making noises, creepy noises that only a ghost could make. Only one of the scouts seemed to notice, but it was worth it to see him squirm as he slept from the window that the dead dog fish was watching him from. He looked quite the target. A nice little boy of about 15, not to old for it, not to young either, he may be able to handle it, just.
“He may be my ticket out of here, If only I can get inside that hut and possess him, I will be able to escape. I wonder if I can make him hot enough to open the window…” The dead dog fish plotted. He concentrated on the blanket, using all his will and power to influence the astral plane and make the bed slightly hotter. There was a noise like a dog growl.
“rrrrrrrrrr”
“Cut it off Fox. I am trying to escape here.” But it wasn’t fox.
“this boyyy is miiine. You stay here shark features.” Said the voice, a slightly feminine dog like voice.
“But, he has such potential, can’t we be duels?” Asking for duality capture was something the dead dog fish had heard one of the only free roamers he had encounter over the years of scouts visiting here. Scouts were fresh minds, ready for capture, spirits often took them on board as tickets to higher planes. The best way to escape the barriers of your first death, he had been told, was possession, and with possession you helped a live mind pass while you got a ticket back to reincarnation or, hopefully whatever next place you got to. The dead dog fish was hoping that this spirit would let dual possession occur, it was a quick trip to another mind were he would part again. At least, so he had been told.
“rrrrrYou disgust me shark, be gone”
Obviously this spirit was not willing, or at least knew perhaps a bit more about the duality business than he did. He quickly went to another window, hopefully this one would have a non captured child. Alas, the Adult, and Frank, who spotted him straight away. “ARRR! Get lost fish!”
“Right you are Frank, see you in the morning.” The Dead dog fish was not going to have any luck tonight, he could tell.
He wandered over to the creek near the hut and leaped into the waterfall and let the water flush his incorporeal body of its daily worries.
Perhaps tomorrow he would wake up in time to be next to Frank as he hit the Barrier. At that, the Dead dog fish fell fast asleep.