h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... and sometimes it ponders back. I do sometimes wonder what life has in store for me. I guess everyone must do at some time. I've had some crazy ideas for what to expect. But I guess the more we scrutinize the less likely it is we will get what we are perhaps thinking of at that moment.

Strange that at the moment, I feel like pondering, when things aren't going too badly. I'm on the verge of embarking on an MSc, and have a girlfriend. If you'd asked me a year ago I'd have said I'd surely have nothing much to worry about.

But sometimes, every so often, a strange /feeling/ I guess - in these moments that I'm pondering - which suggests fate (and perhaps what it has in store for me) is looking back at me. I feel strangely at ease at the moment, having just returned from Ireland. Strange because most of the time I was there I was quite anxious. Anxious for no reason other than I felt I should be worrying about something. Subconcious taking over, and challenging me to not worry. Except the very act of telling myself to relax, was causing me to be anxious. What if I couldn't relax? Whilst waiting in the airport to return I worried that I would not be able to relax on the plane... however a growing thought took a greater hold, with a growth in confidence, I actually managed to convince my subconscious that there was actually no point in worrying - on the one hand every time I had flown before, nothing had gone wrong - on the other if something did go wrong what would be the point in worrying, and if I was more relaxed I would be in a far greater position to do something about it.

And to my eventual surprise, and relief, I relaxed. I suspect this will not allow me to indefinately deal with this situation - however it is hopefully a significant dint in the iron constitution that is anxiety.

Numerous times before I felt convinced that I had beaten anxiety, only for me to succumb in times of great stress - and almost revert to zero. My confidence smashed - almost feeling worse than before because I was so sure I could control it.

So I now stand at the doorway of the future (to use an overtly dramatic metaphor), wondering where it will take me. There is no point trying to control my body or mind... perhaps more direct it (as like the seas there are many other ripples trying to change the tide) like an arrow, and hope that it follows the path I would like to take. Part of me hopes this is a turning point in my understanding of myself, but I guess the greater part is just hoping there is some destiny out there... or preferably destinies - and it/they take me to places where I can improve myself. And in turn the world about me.

Listen to your subconcious, it is the most powerful tool you have.

If you and your subconcious need to chat, meditate or use a pendulum, me and mine talk a lot during these times and it hasn't let me down yet

I recommend reading Extraordinary Relationships by R. Gilbert. It uses an interesting idea called differentiation of self.