h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Precious Darlings,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
Similarly... when I say SIT... you can safely assume that it does mean both of you...
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. And drooling until there is a puddle on the floor will NOT make me loose my
appetite no matter what you think.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
I really mean it... 3 a.m. is NOT a good time to play with squeaky toys... and we have no room in the bed for them anyway (see above)...
When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.
My CDs are not miniature Frisbees.
OFF means Now... not in a bit...or later.. or tomorrow...
We do NOT need to re-landscape the yard...so when I fill in those holes, please, leave them be. And by the way there are thorns on those rosebushes so chewing them can not be that pleasant...stop it...stop it NOW!
The BBQ is not a perch to get you closer to the apples on the apple tree...do not sit on or in it.
I am sorry that the walls are not banked to help you accelerate around corners better. Deal with it.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance and supervision is not mandatory.
The proper order is, kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butts or eat horse poop. I cannot stress this enough. It would be
such a simple change for you.
Thank you...Mom




pedboy

Brilliant


so true.........
trying to tell my rattie that the computer keyboard is not his personal tread mill, just falls on deaf ears....

Yep, sounds familiar!

We may do this as a collaborative entry, what do you think ?
Offers open to all lovers, espically ABBI.




pedboy

If either of my guys tried to "type", one swipe of the paw and the keyboard would be totally shattered!

P.S. My leg is not a female dog to be mounted when I have guests
and my butt is mine, not yours to be sniffed when you please