h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Evenin' all, me again. Your occasional visitor, frequent whinger, and legend in his own head here again.

How is everyone?

I've reached the cruising stage again, where I'm quite happy to be single, as long as I get some action at least every month or so. (What am I talking about, I got some two nights ago, from a 25 yr old personal trainer... )

So I'm not even gonna bother moaning about women this time, me and Frankie are on friendly terms again, but thats it. I wouldnt mind some casual sex though, I still haven't had any better!!!

Right now I'm back home with my mum again, Im here for a month or two whilst I sort out a new place to live with some other friends. This is going to be highly bad for my health as the mates I am moving in with are the most f*ckhead party animals I know, and I know many. Probably be one of the most depraved houses in Bristol ( I dont even live with them yet, but me and one of the guys had a threesome with a girl a month or two back). Their all mates from the band, determined to live the high life before they've got rich and famous... Check them out at www.firstdegreeburns.co.uk

So Im back with my mum. Which is pretty horrible, no offense to my mum.
If I want to smoke, I have to do it outside.
If I want to have sex, I can't bring girls back to this house.
If I want to go out and take lots of mind altering drugs, I can't return here to come down.

Take away my sex and my drugs and theres nothing left! Is that sad? Some would say so, Im just living my life in the way that gives me the most enjoyment, so what if its hollow.

Slight achievement last night, I managed to spend Friday night in and save money. I don't think this has been managed for a several years now...


Anyway, I've got to go and chat to my boys about the new house, we went and had a look the other day, its lush, but gotta sort out how we're gonna get the money together...

Laters people,
From you prodigal son,
bob

Actually I did want to mention something. Something which has become apparent to me, and apparently my mates have realised for a while.

I attract nutters.

For example, in a club the other night. Girl dancing around with no shoes on. Looks dippier than a, than a, than a really dippy thing OK?
Conversation between my mates;
'Check that crazy girl, I bet she goes for Woggers.'
'Yeah, I bet she will.'

So as Im walking back towards my mates, crazy girl grabs me, drags me on to the dance floor, where we bump and grind for about quarter of an hour before she declares shes got a boyfriend and can't do 'this'.

This is just an isolated example.

I attract nutters.

But there's a flipside see...

I'm attracted to nutters...

But how do we know we're all crazy before we've even had a chance to talk. Is there some kind of crazy person telepathy going on?
I know birds of a feather flock together, but this is just wierd.

Laterz,
Bob

All birds are crazy. You'll learn eventually.

"Take away my sex and my drugs and theres nothing left!"

Have you considered rock n' roll?

B

I'm guessing it would go without question that Mum wouldn't want that in the house either.

Masturbation and coffee, like it is for the rest of us?

Some of us don't even drink coffee.

B

Aw..*rolls a bottle of Irn Bru in her hands threateningly*

My dear. You're not supposed to be sexually threatening once you're married.

B

Hey now, you can wave a pistol around without shooting it..er..uh..yeah.

I've long known that all women are crazy, I seem to attract the pick of the nutters. Can't really complain though...

Ouch. Im recovering from a pretty bad drunken injury now. Saturday night some girls we known invited us to this holiday lodge place in Devon. We brought enough alcohol for a small army.
Between 5 of us.

When we got down there and found the parents we're around, I asked Rochine if she was sure what she had let herself into, letting us lot down to get f*cked. She said she was.
She wasn't.

After 5 Stellas, 3 Red stripes, two pints of ethanol and Sprite(strong stuff, Theres definate advantages to working in a lab in the alcohol business)I decided to fall over running down a path and remove the skin from most of my elbows, palms, knees and hips. (Im talking serious skin loss) Me and my mate then broke out the tequila, however being short of shot glasses we were swigging it from the bottle.
I think at the point it began to get messy. I dont know, I can't remember anything after this until being woken up at 9 and told to leave before the parents woke up. Ed got paralytic and passed out on the living room floor, throwing up everywhere, apparently I got lairy and abusive, at one point the mother returned, saw me pouring another drink and said 'don't you think you've had enough?' To which my reply was 'Shut up, Im drinking.' Accompanied by a mad cackle.
I can't remember any of this...

I think theres a lesson here, don't drink Stella, it gets you abusive and lairy...

And dont try sliding down a wet path when you are having trouble walking, you'll end up bleeding everywhere and in pain for a while...

Oops!

Ethanol and sprite sounds quite nice.

However tequila is a hazardous chemical and should never be consumed. Tut, tut.

B

No way, tequila is a gift of the people of Montezuma, and will take you to magical places when given the proper respect .

'Oh, tequila, it makes me happy.'

Actually I am starting to find it worrying that Im beginning to enjoy the taste of tequila, even without the accompanying salt and lime/lemon b*llox...

Oh well, I never expected my liver and kidneys to last anyway!!!

Ethanol is great, 96.5% potable spirit, used for making such drink as Metz and any vodka ice drink, it aint really vodka, its this stuff its made with. No hangover either if you drink enough water before sleeping as theres no chemical impurities to f*ck with your body.

However, the mother of the girl poured my litre stash of the stuff down the drain after I passed out the other night. Now that just aint nice...

'Tequila sunrise... bloodshot eyes...'

I used to love the taste of tequila... don't so much now... This may make my tequila race against 2legs at the winter meet harder to win...