h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(It's still raining next morning, not the most promising of starts for a journey, but then life's like that. The road is turning into a quagmire whilst overhead the clouds don't look like they'll be shifting in much of a hurry.)


*Fletcher approaches the "Officer Cadre" of the expedition. He is wearing a piebald cloak that starkly contrasts his red and orange uniform.*

[Fletcher] Okay, you've got me, Bigtoof and about 50 of my Crossbowmen and Bigtoof's Orcs. I've rallied them up from our camp, and we'll leave once the Marching Point.

[Tewdrig} Ok then, so that's your company, Fed-Ex Guy and his bearers and a heard of cows! So lets get moving. We can disguise our group as a travelling safari party and explain that the cows are just hornless wilderbeast. There's me thinking we should just slip away quietly, obviously this is a much better disguise we'll never be suspected of anything! A cunning plan!

* checks her sword is sheathed against rain and that bow string is in it's waterproof pouch. *

The rain clears. The party moves on. Fed-Ex Guy has dug into his travel database and ordered some specially made equipment from the future, disguised as period clothing. The tight-fitting forest green and cape fit his lithe and muscule future frame (supplements and AI-supervised training). He carries a rune-inscribed broadsword strapped to his back, a long knife at his side, a quiver of arrows, and a powerful compact bow. All are not what they seem. For the benefit of the adventure, Fed-Ex Guy has been introducing himself as Greenleaf

That's right.

And so the adventure continues.

hey, bwana, when between bush hunting and cattle raids did YOU get voice lessons?

Oh, nowhere, suh.

*Fletcher and his men march along at the front of the party. The sight of one of Evadia's most infamous Mercenary Regiments should deter all but the most determined of attackers. The men sing as they march, their song filling the hearts of any Evadian that hears it with pride. The orcs join in, adding a very unique sound to the song...*
Evadian Born, Evadian Bred;
We'll fight on Forever, We'll fight 'til we're dead!
We fight for Glory, we fight for Gold;
We fight for Legends and Heroes of old.
We'll fight forever, will our days are done;
We'll fight ever more und'r Evadia's Sun!

the bushmen cheer, and one of the drummer riffs with a Congo beat. Just then, one of them trips off the trail and falls facefirst into a beartrap.

CRUNCH!

it's starting already?

I assumed so...

[Tewdrig}Bear traps this early in the season. Hmm, something's up. Fletcher do you have any trained scouts in your company?

* So the party moves on travelling west. A steady pace has been set and apart from a few stray cows the party is travelling well together despite the wary glances of some towards the orcs. *

Greenleaf sends a bushman to take point. He scampers forward, spear ready, body tense, eyes alert and looking for danger from every-

CRUNCH! EEEEEK! cHTHuNK!

covered hole. The punji sticks do him in.

"Drat." Greenleaf comments.

[Fletcher] Woah! That ain't normal! Things get dangerous to the West, but we're still in Evadia, and not near the forests...
[Bigtoof] Somin' to 'fump, Mr Fletcher?
[Flether] *Unslings his Crossbow.* I fear so, Mr Bigtoof... Arm up lads! Expect company! We may not have to fight, but if that trap was meant for us...

Oh, it's okay, I think. Standard losses.

(As he speaks a spear carrier stubs his big toe on a rock, gets tetanus and dies horribly lock-jawed.)

You see?

[Fletcher] Alright... But I think we should stay ready.

so they journey, on well-worn trails and rutted dirt roads, through cool dim forests, sunlight piking through the leaves, through fields of emerald grass, full of hunting mountain lions, losing many native bearers, through treacherous mountain rope bridges, through mistakenly triggered rock slides, losing many native bearers, through beer gardens and bordellos..

And losing many native bearers to the clap.

{Tewdrig} Ok, so losses have been catastrophic amongst our troupe but I never said this was going to be easy or quick!

I suggest we leave what we can behind, the next part of the journey is perilous. That may look like an ordinary forest up ahead but I'll warn you now the trees swarm with blue faced fiends, ever on the lookout for weary travellers.

Close up and be in your gaurd.

[Fletcher] You don't mean Tau do you...

Tau are a blue-skinned race, who love nature and generally try to make friends. How they survive would be a mystery if they weren't competant fighters.

{Tewdrig} I'm not sure what they are Fletcher. All I know is that when I was making my escape from Llanover I strayed in there and was attacked from above with no warning. Maybe the Yu saw what was following me and panicked!

You seem to know about these creatures, will you speak to them?

Opps, I meant Tau!

Well, the Fire Caste can be nasty. And anyway, their race must have a few bad apples...

[Fletcher] Hmm... Well, if they are Tau, they're probably bandits. They're unusual in this part of the World. What do you think Bigtoof?
[Bigtoof] I don't.
[Fletcher] Jolly good. Okay, Tewdrig. You've seen them, did they look like Bandits to you?

{Tewdrig} They were a rough lot, dressed rather shabbily and brandishing extremely vicious looking samurai swords as well as throwing daggers. I didn't exactly stop and talk to them, I was anxious to escape from my pursuers.

that's all I know I'm afraid.

* to Bigtoof *

Do you ever speak on your own?

[Bigtoof] He 'finks.
[Fletcher] He smashes. So, bandits... We should be-
[Bigtoof] Smashin' heads!
[Fletcher] All in good time...

The party moved on. The trail grew narrower, darker, the trees reaching over them and shadowing them with their huge, clawlike branches. It grew colder, too, and the sounds of the forest ceased to be heard. The party, no longer lighthearted, stuck close and looked about constantly. No bearer had died for a while, and that made them especially nervous.

Greenleaf, taking point, walking now with sword drawn, suddenly stopped.

"Is it just me, or isn't this a great place for-

THWIP! An arrow in a bearer's throat!

"-AMBUUSH!" he finished in a yell, as wild-haired, fiery-eyed, very blue-skinned savages burst from the sides.

[Bigtoof] An' I thought dey were civul... Civie...
[Fletcher] Civilised.
[Bigtoof] Dat's da one!
*Fletcher unslings his crossbow, and begins to fire as Bigtoof gets ready to smash some heads...*