h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've held back posting this journal for a long time.. but it's high time I get it off my chest. Especially as it involves in-laws and my OH's more remote (by choice as opposed to genealogy or geography) relatives, and I guess he is trying, if not as hard as I'd like.

I've mentioned before that K's maternal grandmother absolutely *insists* on addressing me as either Mrs. K Hislastname or Psychocandy Hislastname.

Now I am not "missus" anything, and I have my own name, thankyouverymuch. Yes, I did allow my ex-MIL to bully me into taking ex's last name, and didn't change it back for Very Good Reasons. K didn't even want me to change my name when I got married, and in-laws were not consulted - thank goodness for a grown-up spouse, and shame on me for the prior mistake. But no matter how many times he tries, Maternal Grandma (who tells him every time she sees us how much she adores me) simply will *not* use my name.

She tried saying it was shorthand. Then I got my birthday card. It was addressed as such: "Mrs Psychocandy Hersurname Hislastname". Not only is that not shorthand, but as my last name is four letter and his eight, it is a lot longer than regular-hand.

Then there is The Cousin From Hell. She's a hard core bible banger and used to annoy by calling during our movie nights when we were Merely Dating, to invite him to her bible study. Knowing he had no interest (even before we met), but also knowing he is typically Too Polite To Tell Anyone Off. In May 2005, he moved into my home and we made clear that was a formal commitment to all and sundry.

TCFH gets engaged in 2009. And addresses the wedding invitation, which she mails to our home (which, as you may remember, was my home for a few years before K moved in) as "Mr K xxx and Guest".

"Guest"

To one half of a committed couple. Mailed to said couple's shared home address.

Yes, yes, I know. This was a commentary on her disapproval of our living arrangements. You know what? Tough. We're both adults, this is the 21st Century, and she's supposed to show respect whether she likes it or not. At the very least, wouldn't you think she could muster up some respect for a cousin she allegedly cared for, at least enough to proselytize to?

THEN... there was the Sympathy Card From Hell.

This woman knows K and I are not religious. When my mother died, her card went on for several paragraphs about what a much better place my mother is in now. Now, my friends know my mother's death was no real loss to me, sad to say (if you're not already aware of the reasons, read this: http://tinyurl.com/a25ymg3 ). But... is the death of your cousin's wife really an appropriate moment for such hard core proselytizing? I think not.

We no longer attend any family function at which she might be in attendance. But I'd like to hear from my friends how you think we can address these two people. Keeping in mind that I actually do love K's grandma, and think she means well, and that, based on other evidence, I think his cousin is a waste of skin and hair.

With K's grandma, could you write her a letter explaining this? Why you still want to be known as p-c, not Mrs K (incidentally, because in RL I'd find this one difficult: do you call yourself Mrs p-c, Ms p-c or Ms p-c?). She simply may not realise it's bothering you and you find it rude. Personal identity is one of those weird things where small details can be crucial for the individual and others might not even notice them. I'd take the time to try and explain why it's so important to you first and see if that works.

If you could include it in a letter thanking her for something, passing on good news etc, all the better because then it seems more of a conversation than you having a go.

As for the Cousin from Hell, I'd send a different letter. Be polite but explain in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is rude and you're avoiding events where she's going to be. Tell her that, whilst you appreciated her sympathies over your mothers death, her proselytising isn't welcome and she needs to stop. If that doesn't work, drop her and explain to others why. The main bit of leverage you have is yours and K's presence in her life: make your terms for that clear and if she doesn't abide by them, she's gone.

Well said, HI

I would have been far ruder about it


lil x

K has actually spoken to his grandma about it a few times - "thank you so much for the lovely Christmas card you sent us; did you realize you accidentally used my last name to address PC?". I guess the response has been along the lines that she forgot.

It's the forgetting bit that throws me. For seven years she addressed things to me as "Ms PC Mylastname", so if anything, tacking on a new name would be the harder to remember bit, you'd think.

HI, I don't insist that anyone use an honorific, but if required, I go by "Ms PC" if only because "Mrs Mylastname" would be what I was called when I was married to my ex. I never changed it back after the divorce, because changing it the first time was such a hassle. In retrospect, I kind of wish I had. When K and I discussed it, we figured if any name-changing was to happen, I might as well just revert to my maiden name.

But when addressing mail to me, I'd think simply "PC Mylastname"

As for the cousin, I'm not sure that I haven't left it too long to send a letter now, and whether I should wait to do so unless or until we're asked why that part of the family never sees us.

TCFH has a younger brother who will be getting married in (I assume) the not-too-distant future and if we attend, we'll be sure to see her there. I'm assuming we'll attend, even though we've seen neither hide nor hair of that cousin in at least three years. My filial loyalty doesn't extend toward those who make no effort to be part of our lives, but K may feel differently and he certainly has my loyalty. Obviously I won't altercate with anyone at a wedding, but the last time she showed up at a function we attended, I just blanked her. The problem with that is the other person probably assumes the problem is with you, and not their behavior towards you.

hmmm hard one. I am Ms Sho lastname because when I got married the admin office where I worked made a mistake even though I had told them I would not be changing my name. It was so difficult and complicated to change it back that I left it and now after 28 years I've had it longer than my own last name. It doesn't bother me so that's ok. But if it was the other way round I think I'd have exploded by now.

With the grandma it's complicated. Her generation had such different expectations of life and all that, it probably just doesn't occur to her that it bothers you so much. I think the only thing you can do there is just keep gently reminding her.

With the cousin. Hmmm well that's difficult because she really probably doesn't see that she is the problem there. I'd just continue to blank her and leave it at that.

(((hug))) you can't choose your family...

Blanking really is probably the best course of action. Should she ever care to ask why we're avoiding her, we can explain then, I suppose. If she's too clueless to eventually figure out that we're avoiding her, it's quite likely that nothing I say about her behavior will make a difference anyway.

Whenever that wedding takes place, I will moan at all of you about how annoyed I am that we have to go. I don't actually mind M (the younger cousin), he seems like a harmless enough kid. But since we stopped attending Christmas Eve at my in-laws, to avoid the rude cousin and her father, we haven't heard from him at all. I'm not one of those people who feels obliged to invite every person I've ever met to my special occasions, and neither do I feel duty bound to attend functions for distant relatives I never hear from otherwise. But K might feel differently. Or, perhaps a bit more likely, I am sure his parents will give us no end of grief if we don't go. So I leaving that decision up to K and if he goes, I'll go too. But feeling obligated to do things out of filial loyalty, when that loyalty is not reciprocal, annoys me.

What's said is K's aunt is such a nice lady. She apparently used to be even nicer, till she married the creepy uncle. He's not only rude to me, but has been totally rude to K, too.

Don't get me started on my mother's family. I have been actively ignoring and avoiding them for years on account of their not being bothered with me much. For example, my grandmother sent me a Christmas card a couple of years ago in which she offered her condolences for the death of my mother, who had died *at the beginning of June*. If that's what passes for having a relationship with my mother's family, I'm happy to do without. For what it's worth, my mom avoided them, too, so I almost wanted to try, if only to annoy her. "My enemy's enemy is my friend".

I kind of - kind of - know where you're coming from. Names are important, yes, and sometimes people forget a name, or pretend they can't spell it, or that it's not your "real" name, and all sorts of silliness like that.

And when it happens in families, it can get complicated. But the important thing to remember is that if you rise above slights like that, then those silly little snubs lose a lot of their power.
Say hello, smile, shake hands, and remember you're a better person than those petty people. Then leave the room and go somewhere you can curse them to hell and release the tension.

Proselytizing is *always* rude, but doing it after a death is just *wrong*, on several levels. Have you ever read the Captain Awkward blog? They cover situations like this fairly often.

One thing to remember, though, is that you are under no *obligation* to educate people. If you want to tell the cousin why you're avoiding her, and give her a chance to improve her behaviour, you can; but if you just want to get her out of your life, that's a valid choice too. Up to you.

TRiG.