h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I consider myself fortunate to have this journal in which I can communicate the things which are going on and on my mind. Many of my friends here have gone away, many remain, and some I know come to read even if they can’t talk here. I treasure all of the offline contact, but I still need a place where I can spill my guts and at least get things out of my head, for whatever it’s worth.

Though I’m still fairly mellow from my nice long vacation, I’ve got plenty of vexations (some trivial, some very worrying) and a lot of issues I’ve got to come to terms with somehow. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I have to trust that I will. My only other alternative is to give up, and I can’t bring myself to do that, even if sometimes my only motivation is not letting anyone down.

First off, there’s the bills. I know I’m not in nearly as dire straits as some of you, and I feel like an ass for worrying, obsessing, and talking about it so much. But I’m still scared, and with a fair amount of reason. There are some options for people in debt, but I can’t use them right now, under the circumstances. Most of you understand what those circumstances are. All I can do is pray that we’ll be so swamped at work that I can resume working 20 hours or more overtime each week, and try to dig myself out of this hole I’m in while still having something to fall back on for several months after my roommate moves out and until Krispy gets here. Even worse, I’m afraid I’ll fail Krispy once he gets here, Of course, I always think in Worst Case Scenarios... best of the worst is I make his life miserable. Worst of which is I fail to act as a suitable sponsor for his visa, and risk losing everything we’ve worked for. I just can’t stop thinking about that.

Next is my family. Yes, I could suck it up, as I’ve done for years, and call regularly (why won’t they call me, if they want to talk with me so badly?) and all that jazz... but part of me recoils at the thought. I don’t want to be angry with them, but I don’t know how not to be.

And then, there are all of my other issues. Back when the survivors group was thriving (before someone found surviving offensive and scared many of us off), I could talk about these issues, and hear how others were coping with theirs, and it helped. Now, I often feel as if I’ve got to deal with them on my own. I know it’s not the case, but it still feels that way at times. I haven’t got a lot of free time, and have to do a lot of “connecting” via Internet. Lately, I feel as if I’ve lost that connection, and a lot of what I do have seems so superficial sometimes. I haven’t got time to socialize, I barely have time to sleep and tend to basic needs like laundry and shopping. When I do come online, no one’s been in days or weeks or even longer. I’m being selfish, but I feel a great loss.

But I’m going to vent about some stuff anyway and if anyone can help, great, if not, I’ll feel better having gotten it off my chest and seeing it here to deal with like it or not.

I’ve come to realize that some of my issues run deeper than I realized. It’s common knowledge that I over-react and jump to conclusions, but it’s worse than I suspected. I assume what other people are thinking or feeling, and don’t give them a chance to show me the truth. I put on a tough front and talk a lot of shit, but deep down I’m scared and nervous, and my “I don’t take crap off anyone” attitude is mostly a defense mechanism. But, and here’s the scary bit, sometimes I am downright pushy and overly assertive, perhaps even aggressive, and I don’t want to be. And I don’t know why I act that way when I do. Especially when it’s directed at the people I least want to hurt.

All of this unresolved pain and fear and rejection sometimes causes me to act paranoid, passive-aggressive, and makes me so angry I can’t control it. I don’t know how to get a handle on it. Barton once told me I’m so tired of waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall, that from time to time I just pull it down on me. I’m sick and tired of doing that. I’m sick of avoiding the things that scare me. I’m sick of feeling intimidated. I’m sick of striking out at people when all I want is a little compassion.

In work, in relationships, in friendships, I’m so afraid of being “fired”. I always feel that my best is never going to be good enough. I’m afraid I’ll screw up so badly that I’ll be told to get lost. The slightest hint of rejection or criticism either renders me immobile or sends me into an uncontrollable emotional spiral. And I can’t take it any more.

I’m tired of hiding, but I’m tired of fighting. Why can’t I just BE? Everyone else seems able to do it. But not me. Either I’m the ever compliant little girl, doing what I’m told and not talking back and prostate, or I’m Uber-Bitch, lashing out with brutal sarcasm, telling everyone to get f***ed, screaming and yelling and raging till I can’t do it anymore, then crawling back and begging for forgiveness. Why can’t I just react like a “normal” person?

Why do I feel so low, when things aren’t so bad? Why do I need to find ways to bring myself to a state of euphoria, when all I really want is to feel GOOD? Why do I crave attention in unhealthy ways? Why does everything always have to be one extreme or another, as opposed to a happy medium (Class A dichotomous thought, eh)?

What scares me the most is I’m beginning to think I’m horribly self-centered and narcissistic. That’s so frightening because I swore to myself a long, long time ago that’s exactly the sort of person I did not want to be. Yet, here I am, and that’s what I seem to be. The fact that I’m excessively verbose wouldn’t be so bad, except for my tendency to interrupt and talk over people. More than one person I love dearly has told me that when we talk, they feel as if they’re not even there. What makes me think I’m so f***ing important?

And why do words, or little actions, have the ability to send me off into a fit of hysterics, uncontrollable anger, or complete emotional shutdown. Why, when I most need to feel loved, do I withdraw completely and shut myself off to feeling anything?

Someone very dear to me recently (and many times in the past) has suggested that I need medication to help control my feelings. That scares me, too. I’m afraid of being so out of control that I can’t function without drugs. I’m afraid of being controlled. And more than anything, I’m afraid that medication will make me a “different” person... and I’ve tried so hard to be myself for so long, in spite of so many efforts to change me into something else. I just want to be me... but what if me is a person who lacks self-control and has the potential to hurt other people? I don’t want to be... my mother.

It hurts like hell to have someone you love tell you that they love you, but they think you need mood-altering medications. It smacks of trying to change me. I don’t like change, and I don’t want to be someone other than me. But, I don’t want to be me, if me is bad. Am I really that bad? If I am, can I change without the aid of drugs?

Then there’s the alcohol... Some people who I love have issues (and understandably so, for various reasons) with drinking. I’ve been to counseling for drinking in the past, and have been told by several professionals that I am NOT an alcoholic. But then, people I care about, and who I think know me well, have said they think of me as a drunk. And it's not funny anymore. I don’t drink because I *need* alcohol to function. I drink, for two reasons. One, it helps to alleviate some of the physical pain I am in all the time but put on a brave face to endure. Two, it relaxes me. Okay, some times, in social situations, I do it because that’s what’s done. But I will admit, I avoid restaurants and social functions where alcohol is not included. Should I see this as a warning sign? I’m beginning to wonder if, in spite of what several medical professionals and I might think, there might be a “slight” problem. Thing is, I don’t want to go “on the wagon” completely. Does this make me an addict? If so, so be it, but I need to be find out so that other people who are close to me can decide what to do about that.

I’ve just now agreed with myself, I’ll admit that I’m an extremely impulsive person. I want to learn to control certain impulses so they don’t get the better of me. How do I do it? And do I *really* want to, or do I just *think* I do? Am I just saying so in order to not alienate my loved ones? Where do I start? Aaargh!!

Well, I think I’ve probably whinged long enough, though I’ve barely touched the tip of the iceberg. I create such an illusion of togetherness, but really, I couldn’t be any more screwed up, could I?

I'm sorry to admit to those of you who care about me, but I'm not as good a person as you believe I am. I need help.

It's okay, hon. The rest of us aren't as good as those who love us think we are, either.

I think the times in my life when I've felt most at peace have been when the people closest to me were open-eyed and aware of what a screw-up I could be at times, but loved me nonetheless -- I felt like I wanted to be a better person because of their love, but I didn't feel like I had to *pretend* to be a better person in order to *keep* their love.

Hmmmm......


Mikey

Yeah I agree.

And the good stuff about us that we sometimes forget is more apparent to them

.."survivors group was thriving (before someone found surviving offensive and scared many of us off), I could talk about these issues, and hear how others were coping with theirs, and it helped. Now, I often feel as if I’ve got to deal with them on my own."

You do not have to do it alone and you are not!

I did not know there was an "incident" that broke up the group

I enjoyed the emailsI rarely pass them on but I did pass yours on today!

Thanks Mikey and Abbi. I you both very dearly.

Abbi... which email was that? I'm always glad if you guys enjoy things and I'm flattered if you pass them on.

I don't know if any incident broke up the group per se... but I sometimes feel I've lost my friends and confidants. I guess I just need reassurance today. It helps to be reminded that good friends are those who love me even when I'm messing up big time. I'm glad I have you guys.

I'm relieved to hear (for the millionth time, but it never sets in, does it?) I don't have to do it alone and that I'm not. I'm glad to know you are here for me and I am for you.

And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in being "bad" sometimes, but that I'm still loved anyway. That's what I need most right now, to be loved in spite of myself. Thanks.

For whatever it's worth, I'm listening to some tunes tonight which either lift me up or remind me of "better" days (aka serious punk and 80s stuff...ack!). So, I'm perking up. But, I still need help with the bad stuff. Thank you guys for being there.

Don't anyone worry about me, I'll be okay. Just I'm sick of being "okay", if you know what I mean? But still, here I am having fun. So it can't be *that* bad...

Music is good medicine

Inner strength and cow detection emails.
I needed a smile just then
Bet you did not realise you made me smile today!

I am gonna send you an email - may be tomorrow.

I'm glad to know i sent you a smile! I'm looking forward to your email... tomorrow is great.

Listening to a good song now... The The "This Is the Day". I *am* happy, really!

And I am feeling right now... plus the of music, so I'm more than okay. But I would still love to hear from you!

I'm not depressed. Maybe a little manic, though.

Good!
Talk to you soon then.
I am signing off.

Hi PCandy, I have a lot to comment on:

>>All I can do is pray that we&#8217;ll be so swamped at work that I can resume working 20 hours or more overtime each week, and try to dig myself out of this hole I&#8217;m in while still having something to fall back on for several months after my roommate moves out and until Krispy gets here.<<

Is there any way you can get another roommate to fill in the few months in between, so you'll still have a little money coming in? Could you add a part time job to your schedule if the overtime at your full time job doesn't materialize?

>>I&#8217;m afraid I&#8217;ll fail Krispy once he gets here, Of course, I always think in Worst Case Scenarios... best of the worst is I make his life miserable.<<

I think this is your least realistic fear, PCandy. I think you and Krispy will be so happy together, even if you go through some hard times. I can't imagine either of you making the other miserable, because you love each other and will be working together side by side. Once the governmental red tape is sorted I think you will feel much calmer and secure about that - here's to clearing those hurdles in record time!

>> Worst of which is I fail to act as a suitable sponsor for his visa.<<

There has to be a country in which you two can co-exist, right? If you keep trying you will wind up together, one place or another, no matter what. I hope it will where you live now since you are settled there, but I don't doubt your determination to make it work. I think you will just have to be VERY patient while the wheels of bureaucracy are turning. I don't blame you for being anxious though, I would be too.

> Lately, I feel as if I&#8217;ve lost that connection, and a lot of what I do have seems so superficial sometimes.<<

Hootoo has been so quiet lately. Abbi and I have been commenting on that. But I still enjoy interacting with the folks that are still around, and that definitely includes you PCandy. I hope my talk is not too superficial for you - I do tend to talk more about movies and stuff than the inner me.

>> I put on a tough front and talk a lot of shit, but deep down I&#8217;m scared and nervous<<

I think that is pretty typical of trauma survivors, don't you? We tend to be more anxious. There's a biological basis for this - the adrenaline gland actually gets damaged and overreacts when we are stressed or frightened.

>>sometimes I am downright pushy<<

You've never been that way toward me PCandy. Not even a little.

>>In work, in relationships, in friendships, I&#8217;m so afraid of being &#8220;fired&#8221;.<<

You are a good worker, I don't see why anyone would fire you, but even if you were, your job's just a thing, and can be replaced. Relationships are another matter. Maybe I don't tell you often enough that I value your friendship. That you are a cool person. And that I would never dream of "firing" you. What could you possibly do to me that we couldn't talk about and work out? Friendships do wax and wane some times. I have grown apart from my friend R lately. But you will always be drawn to people who can learn from you, and have things to teach you.

>>Why can&#8217;t I just BE? Everyone else seems able to do it.<<

*laughs* Oh, I've got it all together, eh? NOT! Never mind that I worry about meeting new people and what they will think about my being bipolar. Never mind that I am worried about my Mom, whose Parkinson disease is getting worse. I snap at people close to me too. I can be real bit**y at times too. Everyone is.

>>I&#8217;m beginning to think I&#8217;m horribly self-centered and narcissistic.<<

I haven't seen signs of that.

>>they think you need mood-altering medications. It smacks of trying to change me. I don&#8217;t like change, and I don&#8217;t want to be someone other than me.<<

PC I've never seen any signs of intense mania in your posts. No delusional thinking. No grandioseness. I've seen you depressed before, but not without cause. You are going through a stressful time. As someone who takes mood stabilizers, I've never seen my own symptoms in you, that would necessitate your taking meds.

Having said that, I will say that taking mood stabilizers has never altered my personality. I don't feel like the lithium or later the zyprex has changed me at all. It just prevents the extreme highs and lows, the out of control part. (And when I say out of control, I mean to the extreme that I wrecked my car - didn't know I had to stop)

>> I avoid restaurants and social functions where alcohol is not included. Should I see this as a warning sign?<<

Yes, I think you should include activities where you don't drink. Cutting back some on alchohol sounds like a good idea. I may be kind of prejudiced, because I drink really really rarely myself since I'm on medication.

>>I&#8217;ll admit that I&#8217;m an extremely impulsive person.<<

Impulsiveness can be a good trait too! Keeps things lively. Me, I'm too cautious!

>>I'm sorry to admit to those of you who care about me, but I'm not as good a person as you believe I am. I need help.<<

Needing help does not make you a bad person! And I believe you have a really good heart PCandy, please give yourself more credit! Bye for now, I've gotta catch some zzzzzzzzzz. I'm going to see Lord of the Rings Return of the King again tomorrow night. Yay!

Oh dang, sorry about the stupid numbers, please read around them.

Call me tonight, love

F119825?thread=303467

Thank you JEllen and Krispy. JEllen, thanks for all of the reassurance. Sometimes I feel more than a little overwhelmed. I've been under the weather this week and really tired, and all of this stressing is wearing me down. But hearing from my friends that I am doing okay, I am a good friend to them, and they still love me even when I'm wigging out, makes me feel so much better.

As far as medication goes, I'll talk with my doctor about how I'm feeling and what other people have suggested, and see what he thinks. It might be better to have some help without self-medicating. Self-medication is too easily taken to the extreme, if you know what I mean.

Off for a lie down and some TV now, I'm going to treat myself to a lazy afternoon as free from worry and responsibility as possible.

Glad to see today is better for you!

*coughs*

I'm new around your end of h2g2, I do hope I'm not intruding.

PCandy, the first thing I would say is that you will be okay, because you care. You want to make yourself better, you want to make sure things will turn out for the best. And as long as you don't lose that spark of hope, you will get there. People who think and care do.

The only trouble is overanalying everything. I had a phase where I had a realisation of exactly who I was, good and bad. Unfortunately I was an unhappy bunny at the time, which meant I could only see the bad.

Arrogant, self-centred, selfish; three qualities that I hate most about myself. But when things are okay, when you can *truly* step back and look at yourself from a distance, you will see that although you have those qualities in you, they are only small parts of what makes up you as a whole. I don't know you, I can't tell you what these qualities are. Don't be afraid to recognise the positive traits in yourself- it is not being egocentric! Bragging about your good qualities is deplorable, but recognising them is not.

Um, this is where I run out of steam a little. I'm not good at endings.

People seem to love you, from the tiny snippets I've seen of your life. People on h2g2 care for you. Hell, I like you already and I don't even know you yet!

Hi, Vip. No, you're not intruding, I've seen you around and it's nice to meet you. Thank you for your kind words, it feels good to hear them.

You don't have to tell me abut overanalyzing, I'm as guilty of that as can be. It's something to work on, but it sure is hard!

I've got to get off to work shortly but look forward to talking with you again.

'nother polite cough...

also not wishing to intrude...

I know exactly how it it for you and Krispy. My wife and I were married in October of 2003, in the USA, and filed what we thought was the appropriate paperwork to allow me to stay in the country. Boy, were we mistaken! December 23rd saw me on a plane back to the UK where I remained for ten months while waiting for an interview for a K3 visa. It was the hardest ten months either of us have ever gone through, emotionally speaking, but I am now back (having arrived with my shiny new visa 24 hours before our first wedding anniversary) and life is going very, very well. Take heart from this - the lower limit for financial support is very, very low and the dreaded visa interview itself was a piece of cake for me AND the twenty or so K1 applicants who were with me on the day in question.

Believe it can happen, and it will happen.

(You won't need this next bit, but it's traditional...)
The best of luck to both of you!

No intrusion at all! It was wonderful to hear from you, Gradient. Thanks so much for the encouragement! It feels really uplifting to hear of a positive outcome from someone who's been through it. Sounds like 10 months is about what I should expect, which would mean Krispy could be here in time for next Christmas. That would be nice!

Aside from being separated and missing each other, feeling lonely stuff, it's going to be a stretch financially to keep the household running till then. But I will manage, somehow. I should start getting more overtime beginning next month, after the fiscal year has ended. Everyone keep fingers crossed that I get loads of it, and I'll make it over the hump.

Congrats on getting your visa and on your marriage! Welcome home!

Oh hey LOOK, new people! New to me at least! Hello Vip. Hello Gradient. I'm a hootoo friend of PCandy's (We love to talk movies) Stop by my page too, please do, I love it when people post to my journal. When I have time I am going to take a closer look at that code on your pages.

JEllen