h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Don't attempt to cook rice pudding from scratch in a microwave at full power.

On the plus side, my microwave now smells of cinnamon...

Oh dear! that sounds like a lot of cleaning. Porridge in the microwave is often just as messy.

Thankfully I got in there before it had glued itself to the walls or dried on, so it was more of a wipe over than a true scribbing session.

I'm trying it again, but this time on *low* power.

It always seems such a tragic waste of food whenever this happens to me, usually with custard, which really goes far further than necessary in my opinion.

Custard never goes far enough. I used to eat it by the carton.

Or did you mean the range when it explodes?

yes, as in the range of exploded custard compared to that of porridge.

There used to be a saying 'A watched kettle never boils.' Now we can say 'watched porridge never cooks, until that last second when you happen to get distracted, turn away and find that it's escaping throught the microwave door.'

I always get looked at when i ask for a bowl of custard at places doing puddings with custard for "sauce", the best place to get custard in quantity is school, but its not of a great quality there, which for custard, is hard

Turns out I'm just as inept as cooking the stuff on the hob.

The custard at my old school, quite often used to be green!

...and it arrived in copious quantities!

Then the yellow coloured gloop, arrived with a blob of jam!

-and lumps!-

And (please excuse me for hogging centre stage for a while)

I once placed potatos in my oven, normal oven, not microwave, to be gently baked. I left them to it for an hour or two, or three maybe...
Any way, when I returned, they had all disappeared, and I was left with a sort of mash wallpaper, gently crisping up on the walls of said oven.

I once made blueberry muffins.

They liquefied into a sort of good with similar compustible properties of napalm, and then exploded.

That's the sort of thing where you look back and laugh, but at the time is so frustrating!

What on earth did you put in your muffins, Clive!

I actually don't think it was the recipe, nor my preparatory technique - I think it was the mortar-like shape of the non-regulation muffin tray I was using that some how 'focussed' the blast wave of the fragmentation grenades / muffins thus maximing the destructive force to deliver a truly lethal spray of burning flour/egg/sugar rather akin to white phosphorous....

Brilliant!!! What fun! Loving the discription! I can smell the distruction from here!