h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: He Married Her - A26720598
Author: Phoeniks - U6128934

A strange, screwed up thing. Mainly fictional, but don't ask for the true story cos it's too wierd!...

This does have the feel of an outline for a good story. Can't we persuade you to fill in some of the details?

Hello. Thanks!
It was never supposed to be a story as such, more like a little piece of prose, like a poem in the length and style of writing to some extent.
And I guess the lack of details are part of the point of it. I think you can guess (?) what's going on kind of. I dunno. Can you?

Yes, I think I can figure it out, only the voice comes across as an 'unreliable narrator'.

Was that intended, that the reader feel like the narrator is expressing sour grapes?

If not, maybe a bit more wistful in the tone?

I have to say I like this very much as it is. Effective - a very bitter little snapshot.

I mean, you could add to the detail in places, but not to clear anything up, I think. And as I say, I think it works - as what it is - right now.

'Vivid' - that may be the word I'm looking for.

What a moving piece. I liked it!

Eeee thank you all . 'Very moving' Yay :]

I think that you're right, it could have more detail, but it was designed to just be a little click in and out of someone's thoughts. And not everyone thinks in much detail. Because all that happened in about 30 seconds of thought, any longer and it would have lost it's point.

the narrator was all the better for it...

This has got impact. A bit of a 'wow!' factor. You can work out so much from the little said.

On length, first impression after a first read was it was a pity we only had a snapshot and that it deserved framing, but re-reading it there's so much here that there's a danger anything added would only be padding and would take away from it. And that it does work, as Trin said, as it is.

One place that might take some more is the section 'He never took me by the hand ....... so swiftly in gesture' You could let go more there, give more detail from the fantasy/daydream(?) and give a bit more weight to the slowed down aching/longing bit to balance with the shock, pain and anger of what's gone before. It would also increase the contrast with that short, desolated last line.


I like this so much, I'll be picky and say 'like a meat-cleaver through my skull' doesn't work 100% for me. I don't know it's that I don't see meat-cleavers slamming, or if it's the use of 'like' or if it's that the meat-cleaver is too familiar in this context or too heavy a weapon in such a sharp piece.

'glint of gold' was the other nit pick.

Thanks for a very enjyable snapshot!
Waz

Hello Llwaz. Thank you so much for your praise, it's lovely to hear.

I can understand why you might not like the 'meat-cleaver' bit, but that was the feeling I got as it happened. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion

Why don't you like 'glint of gold'? You didn't explain. Don't worry, I won't shoot you down, but what did you mean?

I liked this one very much. I'm sure he deserved the meat cleaver.

Thanks
But it's not him who gets the meat cleaver; it's her... He did deserve it though. Poetic irony, huh?

Oh ! I thought it was him

This has been deleted so I'd like to propose Back to Entry.

<BB<

Seconded.