h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Today was my first meeting as President of my Toastmasters club, however the day started out with an appointment for the Community Paediatrician. She confirmed that little has autism - or rather is on the autistic spectrum (ASD) and he has been told this today. So for the first time, I've been able to discuss why his problems are occurring. Well, OK, 'Why' might be a bit much, but it does mean that I can discuss the fact that he has a condition which causes him to have problems.

On the positive side, it means that she will write to the school and suggest that provision is made for him, which might include having a laptop to help with the dyslexia - he struggles to write quickly and legibly - and that he may be able to get swimming lessons again. He was getting swimming lessons, but they stopped after he achieved the national standard. He doesn't like football, and stays in during break times because of the bullying and was just eating and not getting exercise. The paediatrician says that swimming will not only provide exercise but will stimulate both sides of the brain and will work symetrically on both sides of his body and give both upper and lower body workouts. If that happens, it's a result!

She is also going to refer him for music therapy. This will mean that he gets the chance to try out musical instruments. I know that he loves listening to music and I think he may have perfect pitch as he seems to be able to tell if music is played in different pitches days apart.

I may also now be able to access help with his behaviour as the CP will refer him to the Family Support Centre (I think that was the name) and I will also be able to find support from the local autistic society. I've found not knowing what to do for best at times very difficult and there have been times when I've just wanted to walk away and never come back.

I took him to school and then went to work, and then came home, as I was feeling a bit wobbly. I got a call from the school counsellor, who sounds lovely, and she is going to work with him from September.

As far as the Presidency goes, it didn't have the most auspicious start. I prepared my address and was just about to get in my car, when I noticed that another car had blocked me in my drive and I didn't recognise it as belonging to one of my neighbours. I phoned a couple of the other officers to let them know I was going to have a problem and would be late at the very worst. In the end, I found it did belong to a near neighbour and she moved it quite quickly and amazingly, the traffic was reasonably light and I got there just on time!

I think my address went down well and I got a cheer, which was very nice. I've got a chain of office - very smart!

for you.


If it helps.

Just before diagnosis
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-StshUHo8cqgHBo.2zBVgb.dTAV5g.UCHNPEyZQ--?cq=1&p=202

and just after
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-StshUHo8cqgHBo.2zBVgb.dTAV5g.UCHNPEyZQ--?cq=1&p=205

Oh, Mina - I so identify with both your blog posts. The second made me cry.

I was in two minds about having the diagnosis. I dislike the fact of 'labelling', but the fact of having the label means that I can lever in help, and that's a good thing.

It also seems to have given me a sense of purpose. I went through some awful times at school with bullying and I'm going to give my son all the help I can to find his purpose in life and to live life joyfully - and to be able to deal with the bullies.

Well done ZSF

I think you are doing a wonderful thing for little Diagnosis often helps in itself. The label can be a very positive thing: you have a reason for his difficulties. And I completely agree about finding support. I would have thought that was essential for both of you.

This may open the door to joyful time for big and little

Keep us posted.


Fb

ZSF,

No, labelling isn't nice, but it is the only way to access the help you need. it sounds as if you will have quite a lot of support now, and understanding which is important.

I feel so angry about the bullying. There is so much more awareness now that it shouldn't happen. You son is a very lucky little boy to have such an understanding and caring mum. I am sure you will sort it out for him.

Never fear, you won't run away and not come back - and don't feel guilty about it. I felt exactly the same when looking after my Dad, for different reasons, but the feelings are the same. It's perfectly natural. Life throws some pretty tough stuff at us at times, but over the years I have concluded that it makes most folks stronger in the end.

You know too, that we are here, all with experience of bullying, if you need to let off

Websailor

Life is much easier now in some ways, and hopefully you will find that out too. Get your speech and language assessment as soon as you possibly can, as it will help hugely.

Labelling, well I don't consider J 'labelled' at all, there is just a name for a collection of behaviours he has and it's not 'naughty' anymore. To most people it doesn't mean anything, but for education, where it does matter, it has helped to get him as good an education as we can manage, better than what he's had so far and the change in him is huge.

Hopefully you will find bullying a thing of the past soon, although once kids have identified a 'target' they wont' always let it go again.

I've had a very difficult evening with little . He had a disappointment - I had a subscription to LoveFilm and extended it so he could get games to try out for his Nintendo DS. I expected to get two DVDs and two games per month, but this month, when the second two came, they were DVDs and he was extremely disappointed.

I asked him to take his blazer upstairs and we went off on one. He'd got undressed from school clothes and was just wearing his pyjama bottoms and a vest and he insisted on going out in the pouring rain and he was shouting and knocking my bins over. Then he came inside and took off all his clothes and threatened to go outside again. I didn't let him. There then followed about an hour and a half of shouting, and he wanted to break something (including my bannisters, a glass and a ceramic bowl - and I managed to get him to stop hitting the bannisters and hand over the glass and the bowl). He eventually settled on breaking a video - one of his and then he gathered up the video tape and used it to hit my legs. Fortunately, it was fairly soft, but I wasn't happy. I told him that I was *not* going to let him hurt me, although he threatened, and he didn't.

There were other issues - arguments about what we were going to do over the weekend, what he was going to eat and they all took time. I compromised on the food. I do need to get some advice. I don't want to establish a pattern of him getting his own way by shouting and throwing his weight around.

I feel exhausted. I know I did the best that I could and I wonder what I could have done differently or better.

The one time J went for me I called in his dad, my dad and one of my brothers. The turned up one by one and eventually his dad took him away for the night (with me struggling to keep from shouting at all these men for being so horrible to my poor boy). He's never done it again, but he's always been reasonably good with me anyway (until he got hormones!).

Do you have a support network you can call on? It sounds like you are doing everything you can to try to keep things going.

You may find if you get a s&l assessment it will show you where you might be able to make changes. J asked me recently when we were out with the dogs if he could play with 'his' set of dog toys. I said 'no, I'm about to go to the loo and I don't want Fred excited while I'm not here'. That's clear, right? I don't want Fred playing with toys.

When I got back J was playing with Fred with 'my' set of dog toys. I'd only answered about *his* toys as far as J was concerned so that meant he could use mine, but that didn't occur to me until I'd told him off.

ZSF,

You really are having a tough time, but you are right to be determined not to allow him to establish a pattern of throwing his weight around and getting his own way.

I have a friend with a 29 year old son ( a big lad) who rules the roost for the simple reason that she has given in to him for many years out of sheer exhaustion. She has the patience of Job but it would have been far better for him and the family, if they could have found a way to change the situation, as it just gets worse.

I am sure you will be given some coping strategies very soon. Have you personal contact with others in the same situation? Only I feel I am suggesting things purely from my own observations, and not from personal experience, and the latter would benefit you enormously.

Take care, Big

Websailor

Mina,

It must be very hard to stay one step ahead when they are so bright

Websailor

It's not so much being bright as having no real clue of unspoken 'instructions' or 'conventions', as others do. As we grow up we pick things up and they become to us like breathing - something we know all about, but don't think about and don't need to explain to someone else.

J's particular problem is that he does actually need the breathing explained. It was explained to me that he is missing that 'shared understanding' of the unspoken and he takes things so literally, as the example above showed. He can't generalise.

'Do you have a support network you can call on?' - not at the moment, Mina. I did, but it got eroded during the 5 years I was seeing R.

Do you know, Mina, little is just like that (the dog-toy story), and like Websailor, I thought he was being 'clever'. The other day, I had told him he would have to do all the washing up for the day, after a misdemeanor and with one thing and another, no washing up got done that day. The following day (Sunday) I told him that he still had the washing up to do. 'But I did it yesterday!', he said. I pointed out that no washing up at all was done. 'Yes', he said, ' I did all the washing up for yesterday'. In the end, we compromised and I got him to put things in the dishwasher.

Websailor - 'I have a friend with a 29 year old son ( a big lad) who rules the roost for the simple reason that she has given in to him for many years out of sheer exhaustion. She has the patience of Job but it would have been far better for him and the family, if they could have found a way to change the situation, as it just gets worse.' That scenario did strike me as a possibility and I don't want it to happen to me. Apart from anything else, it will teach him to treat women with contempt and it won't help him become responsible and to cope with life independently. Then, if he marries, G*d help his wife!



“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa

I read this thread with enormous admiration for you ZSF.


Fb

I have to second FB. Now that you know, at least there is a stronger support network you can call on Well done.

Well done on your presidency. I wish you the very best in the year to come.

Oh, ZSF,

I shall save that quote, it is exactly what I felt. I coped with a lot in the past, and looking back I don't know how I did it. You find the strength from somewhere. I am also aware I could be faced with it again in the future, so I am doing my best to enjoy myself now, while I am comparatively free.

<<“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa>>

Websailor

ZSF,

If you can find the time take a look at this site

http://www.autismtreatmentcenter.org/

If nothing else the Message Boards might be of help. I know of an 8 year old whose family is raising funds to get him out there. I seem to remember seeing a programme on TV about it quite a while ago.

Websailor

Thank you all - it's good to know I have support and I really appreciate it.

There's been another incident; he was head-butted at school by an older boy. I've had two calls from the school and I know they'll do their best to support him and find the boy

Will post more when I'm feeling more grounded.

Woodpigeon - thanks - I started my opening address by reminding people how many speaking opportunities there are for their six months membership and to encourage people to book not only speeches, but other roles too.

Fb - thanks - I don't feel particularly special at the moment - just tired.

Websailor - I loved the Mother Teresa quote too - I found it on the bottom of an e-mail sent to me. And you're right - strength seems to come from somewhere. I had a brief look at that link and will look at it in more detail later. Thanks.

On a positive note, I attended his school's prizegiving tonight and he won two prizes one for science and another for improvement with learning support. He was a proud as Punch and 'walking on air' to quote him. It was really nice to see him in his element.

Following discussions with one of the teachers who phoned today about the head-butting incident, he may be invited to join the choir. I think that would be good for him and I'm told there are some really nice boys in that.

Oh, that's lovely. I was reading the other day that singing in a choir is a great way to make friends, and release some tension etc.

I hope his happy mood stays with him, for your sake too.

Take care,

Websailor

I used to love singing in the choir. At school, I was in the choir from early on - and was asked to join the altos when they realised what a mature voice I had, which was nice, because I was then in the middle of the music.

I think it would be good for little as it will help with teamwork too - and as you say, Websailor it is a good release of tension.

The teachers are going to take him out today, I believe and try to find the boy that head-butted him, so that he can be dealt with. Little tells me that hey words used by the boy were 'Hey, blood!', which appears to translate as 'What are you looking at me for?'!