h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Singing as part of a choir can be fantastic

Your comments about not feeling particularly special remind me of the time when was dying and my loved ones commented on my fortitude and calm bravery. At the time I was simply doing what had to be done; no questions asked. And I guess that's where you're at now... your perception of what is normal is slightly different from mine.

We all deal with the situation in which we find ourselves to the very best of our abilities and in order to do so it becomes our normality.

All the same - you deserve praise, ZSF and I continue to be in awe.


Fb

Things have continued to be difficult. We had a good weekend at my friend's in Bristol, the highlight of which was going kite flying. We also got (well, little mostly) to play on their Wii.

Little 's difficulty with turn-taking and sharing were evident and we had a conversation about friends and how it's good to find out what our friends like by asking questions. He appears to have no interest whatsoever, and I think that is part of his difficulty in making friends.

I had a meeting with his school today (Academic Review Day) and he is doing very well academically. I spoke about the behaviour problems and got to meet the person who is in charge of social skills classes and found out a bit more of what they are doing. I also found out that the Head of Year spoke to his class on Friday about everyone looking after each other and mentioned little by name as being in need of looking after. Apparently the class responded well.

The incident today followed a request to get changed and have breakfast before TV and he had an outburst, which started with him throwing his breakfast (porridge) on the floor and finished with him breaking a drawer from his bedroom furniture. I wasn't sure that I could get him ready in time for the 9.10am appointment, but I managed it.

I was going to ban him from TV all day, but we negotiated other chores to earn back his TV rights.

I would say well done for negotiating with him rather than giving him a blanket punishment.

You see, I can see that, and say that now, as my child rearing days are long gone. I know I made a lot of mistakes with my eldest, which probably made him harder to handle, and I would do it differently now. It is a case of wishing I was young again, but with the experience I have now but none of us get that choice, except perhaps after having several children!

You seem to know by instinct the right thing to do. Do you think there is the slightest link with the absence of R ? Especially now he knows he has your total attention.

Take care,

Websailor

'Do you think there is the slightest link with the absence of R?' Well, the drawer he broke was from bedroom furniture that was R's idea - I wouldn't have bought it without him and we put it together and installed it. The bannisters, R helped to restore, so there may be a link, Websailor. I did notice on the way back from my friend in Bristol, little did a lot of complaining about R (mostly about the fact that I spent money I otherwise wouldn't have), but the context was him wanting a Wii, which I don't have the money for. So it might be that, or it might be the difficulties he's having at school (bullying, lack of friends and the change in timetable). Or - it could be hormones - he's beginning to go through puberty.

I've just got him off to bed, after another struggle. I'm feeling . At the moment it seems to be a case of holding my nerve in confrontations. They seem to be about power.

You know, ZSF, they always are about power with children, even those without any significant problems. They know all the right buttons to press too Don't let him get the upper hand though. I know he is older than seven but I always think of this quotation as so true:

"Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man," allegedly based on a quote by Francis Xavier - and various people including Lenin and Stalin among others.

He really has an awful lot to cope with hasn't he, at a difficult time in his life too?

The fact that so many youngsters are running wild, I am sure, is because no-one bothers with them until they start making trouble, and it is a means of getting attention.

Take care, and

Websailor

I'd wondered about the impact of R not being around as well. Does little miss having male company?

Good for you holding your nerve. Are you able to remain calm and appear to be in total control? I would imagine if he sees that you're rattled, that will encourage him to go further (if my teenage behaviour was anything to go by ).


Fb

I did notice, Websailor that just before bedtime as little was being difficult, he threatened to break the drawer further and I walked away and said I wasn't interested, he stopped threatening. Also, I got him to hand over the Nintendo DS before going to bed, and he gleefully pointed out that he had the pointer - again I wasn't interested and he looked most disappointed and handed it to me without any fuss. Seems to indicate that it's a play for attention.

Does he miss male company? I imagine, Fb that he does. He's annoyed that he always has to make the first move with contacting his friends (seems to be a fact of life) and although I pointed out that one of his friends was much worse than him and another was much younger, it didn't make him feel any better. I do think I was quite composed, although at one point I was cross, but I'm not sure that he noticed, as it was more body language than anything spoken.

Do you get the chance to have a break occasionally? Does little ever sleep over at friends or relatives? Just reading about it tires me out, so goodness only knows how you must feel

Fb

The trouble with negotiating with some kids is that they take it to school and get themselves into trouble. I taught J to negotiate with me, not usually for the same reasons, but it has been in a few of his reports that he thinks he can negotiate with the teachers and needs to learn he has to accept their decisions without arguing.

So be careful! I know try to let him know it's not always possible to negotiate.

Fb - 'Do you get the chance to have a break occasionally? Does little ever sleep over at friends or relatives?' Relatives - apart from mum and dad who are miles away and on an island and an uncle he's only seen once, there aren't any. As for friends, he used to sleep over (and the friends would come over here), but it hasn't really happened since he went to secondary school. He went for a weekend once, but that was because the friend's parents knew that R and I were splitting up and they wanted to give us some space. I think that's part of the reason for his behaviour - he's feeling lonely and isolated.

'The trouble with negotiating with some kids is that they take it to school and get themselves into trouble. ... try to let him know it's not always possible to negotiate.Mina - ' That's sensible advice. I do try to do that, but it always easy to know where to draw the line. You're right - if he thinks he can negotiate, he does put on a really good show. I'm trying to have a 'she with whom it is not wise to try any umphus bumpus' face and voice when that's the case.

ZFS,

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I loved that it really made me laugh. I wonder if it would work with my husband?

Are there any support groups within reach? It is one thing to talk to other people about your problems but w can only sympathise, and you need someone who is going through it, or has gone through it. And you certainly need a break as you are working as well.

Websailor

Websailor - The umphus bumphus quote was about Bertie Wooster's Aunt Agatha (I hope I remembered it right) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2XTTO-utqg - do let me know if it does work with your husband. I suspect it takes practice.

There is a local branch of the National Autism Society, which I've sent off an application form to join. I've also been trying to get hold of someone from the autism support bit of the health authority although I've not had any response to my phone calls so far. I'll keep trying.

with your contacts.

I think it may take more than practice, since we have been together for over 35 years

Websailor

So, are you going to embark on a training programme, then, Websailor? I wonder who you need to train first, you or him?

I had a really good chat yesterday with the Autism Support person from the health authority. She herself has an autistic son, a bit older than mine, so she comes from a position of knowledge.

Talking through with her gave me an insight. I'm now not so angry at his father, who I now see has much more severe problems together with a personality disorder. The self absorption is not because his selfish (although he is) it's because that's all he can be. Period.

I feel sadness because I forsaw a life fraught with difficulties, starting off with several miserable ones at school and continuing with difficulties in trying to please people, but not realising the problem is his emotional unavailability. I suppose that if the problem is recognised early, he might learn strategies to help him cope. Looking at careers, I imagine it would be important to choose something he's interested in and one where social skills aren't that important.

ZSF,
Training? Well, I guess it would be 50/50 as I have been too soft with him

I am glad you have support from someone with practical experience, as well as 'training' as I think training alone is largely theoretical, and you can't be theoretical with a human being, they don't come with an instruction manual

The 'selfishness' and inability to relate to other people's feelings is something they really can't help from what I have seen. I am not even sure it can be taught. I agree with you that if he finds something which really interests him, that he is good at, then it might be possible to find employment where social skills are not essential. He is very young yet so there is plenty of time to think about that.

I would take one day at a time for a while. I think there are times when you should look at 'the bigger picture' and times when it is best not to, as it can be overwhelming.

Take care, and have a peaceful weekend if you can,



Websailor

Websailor - if humans came with an instruction manual, the male half of the population wouldn't read them anyway

I am delighted you have started to find support, ZSF. It must be a relief to find other people who are dealing with similar issues... particularly folk who have found some routes through the difficult times.

Taking one day at a time is really good advice, but sometimes it's awfy hard to do.


Fb

My dearest ZSF

How did I miss this. I am so sorry.

I sent you a note this morning asking if you could come out next weekend. would you like to. we would love to have you.

I would never have guessed that.

with much affection

SME AR80