h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Each day at twelve o’clock I venture from my desk to forage for food in a bakery some 300 yards from my place of work. I do not need to make this trip as we have a vending machine in the canteen that dispenses an assortment of limp sandwiches with stomach turning fillings but for the sake of the companies health and safety record I do the decent thing.

Take today for example. It’s raining and has been all morning. With any luck this will keep the mutants indoors and allow an incident free walk to the shop. Now I am not saying that this area is deprived in any way but you get the feeling that most of the inhabitants know each other very well, if you take my meaning. It’s not the sort of place you would park your car for any length of time and expect it to be there when you get back. It’s the sort place you keep the car moving when you stop at a traffic light to prevent your wheels from being stolen. Anyway it’s raining so it should be safe.

The trip to the shop is uneventful if not a little cold and damp. Opening the door I am engulfed in a cloud of smoke. Perhaps today is not a good time to buy a mince pie or perhaps it is, they might be reduced due to smoke damage.

As usual I count the number of Peach Melbas on display. There have been exactly eight for the last three weeks. Now I am no expert on confectionery but even I know that must be well out of date by now. Perhaps they just spray them with varnish to keep them fresh.

Here is the conversation as I remember it.

“Could I have a ham and peas pudding sandwich please”, I ask.
“We don’t have any ham”, is the response.
“What about a turkey salad then…”
“There is no turkey either”, she replies.
“Chicken”, I ask tentatively.
“No chicken but we do have one cheese salad left”
“But I don’t want a cheese salad”
“Well that’s all we have, take it or leave it”, she barks.
Summoning all my courage I retort, “Ok, I will get some chips from next door”, and stormed out of the shop.

Unfortunately the chip shop was closed so I had to return to work empty handed, cold, wet and extremely hungry.