h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I spent a pleasant day in the garden yesterday, dodging the showers and occasionally digging the odd hole. Funny how you seem to spend most of your time digging and very little time actually sitting and enjoying yourself. My goal in life is to have a nice garden shed equipped with comfy armchair and fridge for my beer. Nothing too fancy you understand. Not one of those sheds you see, with a picket fence and chintzy curtains at the window. Just a plain old-fashioned shed. Somewhere to hide when life get too real.

Anyway, I was digging in the garden when I heard a shout from the kitchen. My wife ran from the house and informed me there was a strange pigeon in the house. I peered cautiously through the kitchen window and stared at the offending bird. It stared back.

I blinked. It blinked.
I pulled my funniest face. It refused to laugh.

Unperturbed I slowly poked my head around the kitchen door so as not to disturb the creature. Do you remember that scene from The Birds when Tippi Hedren is sitting outside of the school and at first there are no birds but slowly, one at a time they start to appear. I had this vision of walking into the kitchen and being pecked to death in a flurry of feathers and claws. As it happens it was just the one bird, quietly sitting (Do birds sit? Do they have knees? Who cares?), minding its own business.

Still, it had to go. Fortunately it was a racing pigeon, you could tell by the streamlined appearance, bulging biceps, flying helmet and goggles. Ok it had identity rings on both legs. Anyway I picked it up and threw it out of the door thinking no more of it.

My wife returned to the kitchen to finish making dinner while I returned to the garden to dig some more holes.

A bit later as we were settling down to eat I noticed that our neighbours cats were sitting on the wall, liking their lips and looking quite furtive. When I looked out of the window I noticed they had spotted the pigeon sitting on our garden seat and were waiting to pounce.

Do not worry the story does have a happy ending. I managed to chase the pigeon away and received some very disgruntled looks from the cats accompanied by much twitching of tails. Picture that scene again from The Birds where Tippi Hedren is outside the school but replace the birds with cats.