h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Had a meeting with the obs & gynae consultant today about what happened during and after spud's birth. It was one of those very frustrating experiences - for a start, the hospital forgot to make the appointment for me so I had to ring in for it. Secondly, they then made the appointment in the antenatal clinic rather than the postnatal one, so I didn't have long and the consultant, who I had never met, hadn't had time to review my notes - we had to tell him what happened from what we remembered....

Anyhow, he said that he didn't know what caused the failure to progress during spud's birth, except that he didn't think it was a problem with the size of my pelvis. He just concluded from what I told him that sometimes it just happens this way and wouldn't necessarily happen like that again. So far, so good.

Then we talked about the bleed. He said that from what it said in the notes and wht we told him, he thought the cause of the bleed was an atonic uterus. The way he explained this was that by the time we got spud out my uterus was "tired" so it was unable to contract enough to stem the flow. He said from the things that can cause uterine atony, the only one that really applied was prolonged labour. I was labouring for 12 hours, of which I'd say only 8 hours was proper strong, regular contractions so that doesn't seem that prolonged to me. I said this and he said everyone is different and 8 hours must just have been long enough for me - possibly exacerbated by being induced.

He said that the uterine atony wouldn't necessarily happen again so we could consider more children and could decide whether we wanted a vaginal birth or a planned section.

So I've got mixed feelings. I'm glad spud hasn't shut the door behind him, and that we could possibly have a 'normal' birth (although this seems unlikely)next time.

But I feel inadequate somehow. My cervix didn't work properly so we failed to progress through birth, and my uterus gets "tired" after a mere 8 hours. J said it doesn't matter how he got here, the result was a healthy baby.

But I do feel a bit less than a proper woman.

I'm sure I'll deal with these feelings eventually, it helps to have written it down that I feel this way. *sigh*

Sorry to butt in when you probably have no idea who on earth (or any other planet) I am!

Please don't feel inadequate. You gave birth to a child - that's amazing! I can't even imagine doing that! You *are* a proper woman (if such a thing exists). For a start, being a 'proper' woman doesn't depend on how 'well' or not the birth process goes, it doesn't even depend on whether or not you can have children at all. Actually, I don't even know what a 'proper woman' is!

I don't mean to run roughshod over your feelings. I do understand that not being able to/not having done things that are supposed to come naturally can make you feel inadequate, or like you've failed in some way. I've been there, in fact, I'm there at the moment. You're not inadequate, and you haven't failed in any way. You've gone through something that is really difficult, really scary and really amazing - and you did it wonderfully. You have a healthy child.

J is right - spud is here now, that's what matters, and I'm glad that there may be subsequent spuds.

If I've said anything unhelpful, I'm sorry.

Oh Kelli, that all sounds rather as though you haven't had all your questions answered in a satisfactory way

Any chance you can get another appointment with someone who has read your notes?

You are a real, adequate woman. Just look at all the things you do and have done.

Stiff upper lip, old girl.

I'm sure everything will work out fine... I've heard all kinds of horror stories about first births, which are usually followed up by how the subsequent ones went off without a hitch (including one where the second child, who happened to be a friend of mine, came out so quickly he ended up being born in the freezer section of Tesco).

I saw the thread title with unalloyed pleasure. I hope you do go on to enlarge your family, but if not, J is right, you have a beautiful baby.
You will never completely get over the feeling of not being a proper woman. Thirty-five years after my first Caesar, I had a twinge of it when my lovely daughter-in-law gave birth to my gorgeous grandson "naturally" even though he was the same weight as his uncle.
I would just like to say that in every respect except a vaginal delivery I am a fantastic woman and, from having read your stuff here for the past few years, so are you.

I would have thought that, having gone through all that, and still be at home now, looking after Spud, and coping at all, makes you not only a proper woman, but a wonderful woman too. I'm very sorry any of it made you doubt yourself.

My auntie, who is a midwife, and whom I asked about this, (sorry), is of the opinion that women who have induced labours before their cervix has shortened sufficiently often develop atony. When the uterus contracts, it does so indiscriminately all over - it's only because the cervix is open and leaves a gap that the baby is squeezed that-a-way. If the cervix is still closed, it contracts too, and the uterus is fighting against itself the whole time, which is twice as tiring as it would be, hence exhausting itself in 12 hours. Unfortunately, it is very hard to tell what is better for the mother and baby, induce now and hope the cervix opens, or leave it and risk things. So, yes, it is one of those things, and bad luck, and nothing to do at all with how everything will work another time.

I hope things go ever more smoothly now. You are coping with more, and having a harder time, than women who had 'normal' labours - everything you manage to do is that more of a triumph, and proves how strong you are.

Hi LibrarianPear thanks for reading and commenting, you're always welcome here.

Thanks for understanding - you are right that I don't think the feeling will ever go away entirely but I will deal with it.

Ag, THANK YOU that is the single most useful thing anyone has said to me. Bless your auntie for thatn - why couldn't the consultant say that? His 'sometimes it just happens' lack of explanation left me feeling like I was just dysfunctional, and despite him saying it wouldn't necessarily happen again I was still quite frightened that it would. Your aunt has given me a reason for it which will really help with decision-making next time - if I went into natural labour I would prefer that to a planned section, but if I get into a situation where they would want to induce me I could ask for the section then so I don't increase the risk of a bleed again. Thank you, I feel about 2000% better. Thank goodness for my internet weirdos

I reckon that's true Ag - I don't know the figures, but it makes sense to me.

These pangs of not feeling like a proper women unless you have a natural-no pain relief-vaginal delivery seem to be so common. I thought I felt that way because I had a c-section and so in my heart felt as if I had not really given birth, but two friends who had assisted deliveries told me they were numbed up and had no feeling of the birth leading them to feel their babies had been taken from them at the last minute.

As far as I know you won’t ever have to go through an induction again. We were told that when the first one goes horribly wrong, and it therefore classed as a failed induction, they will not induce you on future births and if you don’t go into labour naturally and go past your dates you get a planned c-section. So your body is either ready for labour or else you get advanced notice of when your baby will be born…..much nicer either way I think.

Congratulations on your baby. I'm sorry you had such a rough time of it.

If you still feel you need to debrief about your birth experience you could try joining http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ukmidwifery/ - it's a bunch of very nice and knowlegeable women who can make you feel much more positive about yourself. Well, it worked for me, anyway.

and to everyone here for such constructive support. I wish I had something to add to cheer Kelli up, but I can only sympathise - you get the same feeling of inadequacy when you've had a hysterectomy.

Perhaps the hormones are frustrated - in your case, Kelli, and others who had caesarians, they probably felt like they wanted to sneeze and the sneeze was suppressed.

I am keeping my that you do manage a "normal" birth at some time - and, should you try Bernadette's recommendation, that that helps, too.

And don't forget, you're quite entitled to "Baby Blues", whatever the cause. The tiniest thing can upset you in the first few months (watch out for when your periods start up again - emotional turmoil may well set in)

Hi Kelli, hope you don't mind me popping by.

Just wanted to add my voice to these thoughts here...
As has been explained, an induction can be extremely tiring and arduous and often unfortunately leads to more interventions, so try not to blame yourself for how your birth went.
Also, you said that you had a big bleed - that won't necessarily happen if you were to give birth again, each baby and each birth is individual.

I don't know the reasons or circumstances for your induction, but if you were to have more babies it may be worth considering avoiding induction if you can as it isn't always as necessary as the white coats can make out. The link that Bernadette gave you is excellent, and a great way to have your questions answered by professionals and other mothers who believe in the power of women's bodies to grow and birth babies.

You had a C Section - that's still a valid birth experience, despite how you feel now. For whatever reason, your little spud had to be born that way and when it comes down to it, thank heaven for modern medical technology for helping with difficult births.
It may be worth seeing if you can find a professional to talk through your feelings with. I've heard of women suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after difficult births and this needs to be something that is taken more seriously in our society.

Not sure quite how I came to be here - just ing drift, I guess, but we have recently had a kiddy (4 or so months now), and so the topic was somewhat topical.

Anyway, since I'm a guy I don't have any authority at all on such things, but I wanted to say that you really needn't feel the method of delivery makes you any more or less of a woman. You nutured a perfect minature person from before they were the size of a speck of dust to being a healthy baby (I assume) boy, and then were his sole source of nurishment for weeks or months after. Out of that year or so of total reliance, you needed medical support for a day. Is that a failure? Not to my mind.

I do think that many people concentrate on delivery so much that they lose site of how many other, much more amazing, roles mums play. Delivery is the baby coming from total reliance on you internally to total reliance on you externally. Yes, that's important, but there is nowhere else that a baby could grow to that stage except inside a "real woman" and there is no substitute that can match the support she provides afterwards. You had some help with one aspect, but there are many others for which you didn't need help or for which there is simply no substitute, so you should be proud of creating a whole new person, just as I would be no less proud of Mrs Ugi for nurturing our daughters, no matter what help she had needed. After all, I couldn't have done it!



Ugi