h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello! Good evening!

I look around, I look around, I see a lot of new faces. Oh, that's because it's the first night I've been live at the Apollo! No, really I am. Look around you. You're in the Apollo, and I'm on stage. No, I'm not the warm-up act, I'm on tonight.

Some of you a still sitting there thinking: "this sound technician's got a bit up himself. The old 'one-two one-two' would've done, mate." But really, I'm on. Really. Yes, I am the one who is telling jokes tonight. Oh, you thought it would be someone funny did you? Well you thought wrong then, didn't you.

I knew it would be a tough crowd tonight. All day I've been getting ill omens. It didn't help much that I walked under a ladder yesterday. It helped even less when it fell on me. Window cleaner wasn't too happy either. He was left stranded on a windowsill for two hours, until he lost his grip and fell on me as well. What? Yes, I was still there after two hours, I had been knocked unconscious. You are being very rude and hurtful. I was trying to tell you about how I was badly injured yesterday, and why I have my arm in a sling and my head bandaged. Look, I came here despite my injuries and all you have done is make fun of me. *sob* I'm going home.

That's your life in a nutshell, isn't it?

Unfortunately so.

And you mentioned something about a ladder. Well in Lebanon (spelling doesn't matter) if you walk under a ladder then go for a slash (somewhere where you are legally allowed to) it gets rid of all the bad luck.

Bear that in mind.

But I'm not in Lebanon (and don't intend to be anytime soon).

Yar!