h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oi..yer left out all them snakes wot we gort wot is deadly dangerous but not as dangerous as rabid footie players, wot goes around doin nasty things ter squashed footballs..and yer fergot the really rabid species of Greenie Orstralis..they goes around chainin emselves ter trees and makin the landscape look untidy and scarin the wildlife (most of em is hairy ugly beasties) and generally makin nuisances of emselfs.
Woof
www.iinet.net.au/~pearson

Durex=sellotape
Thongs=flipflops
Doona=duvet
Eski=cooler picnic box
Tinny=can of beer
Any others please?

And I thought the insects had seen to all the snakes...

Chook=Chicken (Domestic fowl)
Dunny=Outside toilet usually away from main house

as in Australian curse,

I hope your chooks turn into emus and kick ya dunny down.

"emu, large flightless bird, Dromaius novaehollandiae, native to Australia, and capable of running at high speeds. Related to South American rhea and the ostrich."

also
Dunny Budgies=Blowflies

Please excuse the following, but I suffer from a common but underpublicised psychological condition known as "pedantism".

I know for a fact that Australia's taipan is the world's most venomous snake, and I am fairly sure we also hold the top five or so positions of the reptile-injected neurotoxin deadliness rankings. The snakes are not scared of the spiders - I am quite sure they would high five each other and say "Well done!" after a particularly satisfying human fatality, if snakes had limbs.

Even so, our spiders share the human population's world famous laid-back attitude. Certainly, they are the most venomous spiders on the planet, in that their venom is more deadly drop for drop, but they are not the most dangerous spiders in the world. That honour goes to a South American spider which is less poisonous, but is far more proactive about fatalities. Funnelwebs and redbacks just lack initiative.


I say that our spiders should all be made to undergo national service training. That would make them world class arachnids.

I was only guessing...

Somehow I don't think Australian snakes and spiders would high-five
each other and say well done, not because they physically can't but
because they're more likely to say " You bloody beauty", and get out
the Tooheys, "Well done what the hell does that bloody mean?"

As an ostrich lover (it's a little known fact that Australian's all love ostriches- listen to our national anthem) any way as one of them I feel I must make a correction
I have never heard anyone here call sticky tape, durex or sellotape. It's always been sticky tape. 'Cos y'no it's sticky and it's tape!

redbacks=black widows
"You little ripper"(Lizzie PCBH)

Other great Oz sayings:
"Flat Out" or "Flat out like a lizard dringking" - Really busy
"Running 'round like a blue assed fly" - really really busy
"Wouldnt piss in yer ear if yer brain woz on fire" - mild dislike for someone
Just a few gems for now...

In Englend it's sticky tape in Oz it was (still is?) a brand of condoms

Am I right in remembering that a Jiffy in Oz is a brand of condom, where in the UK, it's a padded envelope? Since hearing that, I must admit, I've always opened my post with caution (and rubber gloves!).

In the US I think Jiffy is a brand of steel wool cleaners. Do NOT mistake for condoms

As dry as a dead dingo's donger
As dry as a Pommie's towel (sorry to all my English friends)
As restless as a blow fly in a tripe shop
As flash as a rat with a gold tooth
In more trouble than a one-legged frog in a snake pit
Happy as a cane toad with a nine-iron under its chin
To be a kangaroo short of a full paddock (silly)
(Will post more when I think of them.)

some more 'Ozzy Lingo' for ya
choice- really good- What a choice party!!
grouse- as above
pot- largest glass of beer at pub, also called a schooner
middy- middle sized glass of beer at pub
daks- pants, trousers
tracky daks- track suit pants- not for exercise more for slothing around in
flash- see grouse
mullet- really bad haircut (long at the back, short on top)
map of Tassie- pubic hair and region
stubbie- small bottle of beer
slab- another name for a carton of beer
carton- 24 stubbies in a box

What about the friggen crocs. Up north ya cant go in the bloody water
without haven ya friggen arm ripped off by a friggen freshie.
The salties are worse. thay dont just rip ya friggen arm they
rip ya whole bloody body ta bits and then eat the frigen thing.
the only thing them crocs have ta worry about are the friggen sharks
there every friggen were. ya cant go for a surf because some friggen
prick of shark will come and bite your goddam legs off.
The only way to be safe is te take a carton in with ya.
ya see the goddam sharks have a vice. they love the grog.
and if ya unlucky enuff to come across a shark that wont piss up
ya can drink the carton ya self ta deaden the pain.
the crocs are invincable thayll take a friggen nuke and come out smilin.
so be friggen careful if ya dont no what ya doin or
ya aint pissed.

ozzy lingo's quite easy. just put an "ie" at the end of the first syllabel:
breakie (breakfast)
mossie (mosquito)
freshy (freshwater croc)
salty (saltwater croc)
pressie (present)
Uni (university) [my English teacher never believed my that Ozzies really use this expression...]
heli (helicopter)
etc.pp.

Not being Strine myself, I can't really attest to the accuracy of this, but a friend of mine who hails from
Melbourne once told me that those cheap little styrofoam coolers are referred to as "kicktabits."
The idea seems to be that they rarely survive more than one use, and their most common fate is
to be "kicktabits" at some point during that first use.

what about my favourites:
Im so hungry I could eat the crutch out of a low flying dingo!
or
I couldnt give a rat's banana!

and isnt it about time that shakey bunch of islands to the right of Oz is mentioned?
I refer of course to the REAL Godzone, the land where men are men and sheep are nervous, NEWZILD!

Bright (clever) = New Zealander