h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Back in the 1980s, a magazine had a pun competition. You had to submit a list of 10 puns, and the judges would select what was (in their view) the best one for submission into the next round.

Unfortunately, my submissions didn't make it through. I got a rather curt letter from the magazine telling me that no pun in ten did.

I can imagine the groans from the judges as they writhe in pun.

"I wish I had a puny shed in which to hide my punnish head.
Then I should not be punishèd for every little pun I shed."

Here's an old one;

I had a wooden whistle,
but it wooden whistle.

Then I got a lead whistle,
but they wooden lead me whistle.

Then I got a steel whistle,
but they steel wooden lead me whistle.

Then I got a tin whistle,
and now I tin whistle!

'Bout my favourite pun is "Bolton"....Hang on, that's not a pun - it's a palindrome

I'm sorry, but i just don't understand. please explain how "Bolton" is a palindrome.

You know I had this weird dream last night...........I dreamt I was in a shop and this guy was put a knife through these cornflake boxes.........turned out he was a cereal killer

Do you know why Tony the UK Primeminister wears glasses sometimes......?

Well it's cos he has "Blaired" vision of course


Did you hear that Robbie William is coming up with his own shoelaces. They're supposed to be trendy......but they still "come undone"......at least they're "sexed up"


Sophie Ellis Bextor was found dead in a hotel in France......it turned out to be "Murder on Zidanes Floor"

Les Dennis is starting a new career - well at least it doesn't have Amanda "Holden" onto him anymore

I've got loads more but guess I'll bore you

I had a friend who liked flowers who was mean so I said to her
who needs aneomes with friends like you

I bought some perfume recently that was eau de toilet
oh I felt flushed afterwards

did you know how depressed cleopatra was, she was so depressed she was in de-nile

Baroque- Art for the poor

does anyone remember the film "12 hungry men" ..starving henry fonda???

I wish a had a donkey.
I'd ride around on him all day and have people throw rocks at me.

That way I could REALLY get stoned off my ass.

Those two holes in your nose are actually called snotrils!

And:

Epaulettes are usually worn on the soldiers.

Q: Are these beans any good ?
A: Haven't tried them myself, but I've heard reports

A tiny fortune-teller robbed a bank, the newspaper the next day read "Small medium at large!"