h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For my birthday, my girlfriend Marie got me tickets to OzzFest. (She spent much more money than I am actually worth, too, but I accept her in spite of such personal quirks.) Having been a longtime fan of the music of both Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath, this was the first time I actually went to such a performance. [URL removed by moderator]

We sat 3rd. row (my girlfriend got herself a ticket, too, of course) at the newly named "Tweeter Center" in Tinley Park, Illinois. This was the opening U.S. day of the multi-headed tour -- Chicago area, June 8th. as I recall.

All in all the concert was fantastic and marvelously loud. I believe Slipknot caused me the most ear-damage directly. They did a non-stop grindcore set of semi-musical mayhem that made me wish I had purchased ear-plugs.

Before Slipknot played, a number of other acts had hit the stage. But due to traffic, I missed most of these. Unfortunately, I made it in time to see performances by Crazy Town and Papa Roach -- music which, being a fusion of rap and alterna-pop, was decidedly out-of-character for this hardrock event; these bands were unpolitely booed. I participated in this method of disapproval.

Zakk Wilde, a former lead-guitar man for Ozzy Osbourne, performed with his new band, the Black Label Society. This was a heavy, Pantera-ish type of sound that really had its moments, but will most likely be forgotten when the alcohol molecules are filtered away.

After Slipknot, Marilyn Manson hit the stage with his unique brand of shock theatre and industrial goth-metal. Manson and company brought a more melodic pace of anthem rock and stage spectacle to the event, which followed Slipknot welcomedly. [URL removed by moderator]

Finally, Ozzy Osbourne reunited with the former members of Black Sabbath and gave a beautiful rendering of their classic material. Toni Iommi radiated stage presence with his trademarked cool-casual, subdued demeanor. Ozzy, as usual, practised mass crowd control techniques and occasionally relied on his floor teleprompter to sing songs that he had obliterated from his memory through years of legendary substance abuse. (Some songs he almost had completely memorized!) Bill Ward hit the drums as though he were calling forth his next heart attack and Geezer Butler droned away flawlessly on his bass guitar. Water-sprayers, lots of multi-coloured lights, fire, bird feathers and vast overhead display screens made the performance dreamlike and eerily unreal. The night ended with fireworks.

Ozzy, for the record, is showing a bit of middle-aged pouch again and should probably ease into a work-out routine at his favourite gym.

Although OzzFest was commercialized to the hilt (everywhere a product logo could be seen, one was in fact seen -- save the urinals), it appeared to be a fun time for all. A few people passed out (due to the combination of daylong sunlight, expensive cheap beer and probably some recreational drugs of their own import) and were wisked away in stretchers for prompt (and probably undeserved) medical attention. I refused on principle to pay the $7 for a small plastic cup of Miller Genuine Draft and, consequently, remained perfectly sober.

Upcoming products worth looking for soon:

"We Sold Our Souls For Rock 'N' Roll," a behind-the-scenes documentary film of past OzzFests will be hitting the theatres shortly. It's the work of the director of "Wayne's World" and features interviews with Rob Zombie, Godsmack, Ozzy (of course) and assorted other heavy metal lifeforms.

Also coming out for the Playstation 2 platform is a computer game called "Ozzy's Black Skies." What this game has to do with Ozzy Osbourne is difficult to discern without consulting the marketing people for the proper "spin." As far as games go, this researcher is still content playing the two-word parser text-adventure games of Scott Adams. [URL removed by moderator]
Call me a dinosaur.

OzzFest bring-alongs should include sunscreen, sunglasses, piercings and tattooes, cigarrettes (if you smoke, note that there are no cigarrette vendors at the Tweeter Center), money, ear-plugs and a towel. Certainly bring a book if you're only interested in one or two bands, like Marilyn Manson and Black Sabbath for example. All things considered, incidents of redneck violence and out-and-out hooliganism were minimal for this large of an event.