h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Someone called me today and told me Janet was dead. Who in heck is Janet I ask. She had your name and phone number in her notebook says the caller. I don't know any Janet I said. Sorry said the caller and hung up. Then I remembered Janet. I met her at the Bark Park four or five years ago. She was small and elegant in an English sort of way. Apparently she had been ripped off by more than one man and was alone and penniless and trying to piece together a life for herself and her dog. She must have been stunningly pretty when she was young, and she still had luminously beautiful light grey eyes. I think she was hoping to find a good man to change her luck. She spent money she didn't have to get her skin sanded by a cosmetic surgeon. Her face was temporarily disfigured. He's not used to English skin, she said, he's used to Mexican skin. It was hard on her to be seen like that, but she had a job at a junk shop that was keeping her afloat, and she had to be there. I left to host a campground in California and I didn't see her again.
In the morning I'll call the mortuaries.

Do you get a funeral service if there's no-one to mourn for you?

The man who had the flesh eating bacteria munching on his elbow called me. Surprise. I must be his default option. Would I like to hike this weekend? says he. Why I'd love to says I, but I'm going to a party in San Francisco. Perhaps some other time. Hey, I really am going to a party in SF. Got a lowish bid on a ticket through Priceline .....