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It never seems quite right
MadHatter Started conversation Jun 17, 2001
What ever happened to when she was my Big Sister and I was her Little Brother? Now I forever am sticking up for her, trying to convince others (let alone myself) that she is not a complete failure and idiot, and given the right circumstances she could be quite a gifted individual.
I seem to remember something in the family contract laid out by pop culture that sure, for the early and middle years, there is a certain amount of pesky little sibling and cruel older sibling, a lot of "he hit me" and "she stole my ". But by a certain age, we're supposed to be buddies, the older, more experienced and hardened sibling is supposed to stick up for and guide the younger sibling. Like, "yeah, I remember that. It was tough, but here's a little trick I picked up. I hope it helps you out."
This isn't working. She's 21, I'm 18, and she's still screeching "mommy, he keeps poking me", and complaining that life's too hard. She's picky, acts spoiled and whiney, she's sulky and disagreeable. She flunked out of school, can't hold a job, and has no ambition or free will of her own. While Dad keeps saying she's a total nothing, and Mom's crying, and she's puttering around and playing at being in control (which only means she's a bitch all the time to everyone for no particular reason), I try to keep the peace, and keep my sanity.
I say to myself, "I'm the better person. I've grown, it doesn't matter that Dad treats each of us like we're three and can't even piss for ourselves without his direction, I'm in control. I'm leaving for the UK in a year, and when I come back maybe it'll all have sorted itself out. Or if not, I'll just deal with the survivors." But it's all a facade, and I know down inside that nothing's ever going to change. My Dad will always be an ass, my Mom will always be stressed out and angry, and my sister will always be a mindless loser. And I'll always be fighting against the pull of each of them and trying to form some sort of internal and external harmony. And I'll never do it.
It's not that I can't free myself of the shackles of this family; I want to do no such thing. I want to 'fix' them all and just make them realize wha the hell they're doing wrong. But it'll never happen and therefore I'm doomed. I can never fully be what I want to be until they pressure of this life is relieved, and the pressure of this life will never be relieved until each and every one of them stops dead in their tracks, and say to themselves, "wait, I'm pretty f****d up here and the only way we can fix this thing is if I take an outside point of view of myself and adjust to those around me."
And that will never ever happen.
So to sum it up, we're f****d.
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It never seems quite right
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