h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Radiation. so not looking forward to this. never been nervious or anything before any opperation etc., in my life. ; I've no idea how I was the night before first chemo as I can't recall that my mind was still too mashed from the haemorridge.
But, I do recall nights before opperations in the way back when, where I had about a 1% survival likelyhood, and I ... didn't care ... no stress, anxiety or anything
So... why do I with the radiaiton? I think I know.
The 'bad' outcome of the opperations would have been death.
which I'm kinda cool with, I mean, its not like you know or anything if it happens, afterall. you just ... don't wake up < whereas, the bad outcome with the rads, is... feeling een more ... rubbish than I already do, and ending up being disabled untilatemly ... neither of which I want or care for much. the former I cna just sort of deal with I guess, not so sure about the second, it'd be an aweful nuscience for others around me, more than anything but... Its just another treatment... just another way of introducing differnt pain and unplesent sensations to my body, and of making me feel more ill than I already am... I'm used to that, so... still really not quite sure why I'm so... dunno... sort of anxious maybe about it?

Bought a rediculus pair of shorts today, sort of blue and floral. so me also bought a cucumber, and a loaf of french bread William bought a pair of shoes, to wear, in the house here; kinda deck shoes I think, sort of to use instead as slippers. Turns out... they work well wehn put to other uses too

Mad us pasta salad for dinner

Dunno why I'm so ... not wanting/looking forward to the radiation. 1/15 tomorrow.

Weekend away was good, but the heat really affected me bad; I kept having to stop at points, to 'rest' . yeh. me. stopping. to rest. what. the sort of... faint feeling, I guess, kinda fatigue too, but, dunno if its chemo side affects still or what but, felt good escaping Cambridge for the first time in (my memory) since last Sepbeter (I had left between that time and the haemorridge, but can't remember it, of course).

My Brother randomly popped orund last night.

He's sitll fatten than me I so need to lose weight though
so wish wasn't having radiation. But I can't judge my mind as working well enough to have been right in its descicion to not have it. hence I went with other peoples descicions that I should ahve it. Kinda just don't care anyhow, anymore. TBH, in some ways.

You've handled your chemo amazingly, with so much humour, and I'm sure you'll adjust to the radiotherapy in a similar manner. But it's new and scary and of course it's freaking you out.

That said, if you can't handle this with humour, that's ok too. God, I hope that doesn't come over as patronising or condescending. It's just that when my husband was going through chemo people kept telling him he had to think positively, yadda, yadda, and that left him feeling guilty if he had a bad day. Guilt, on top of everything else.

Whatever you do, it'll be in your own incredibly unique way

I hope it all goes ok tomorrow, and I'm sure I won't be alone in looking out for your next journal, whenever you feel up to posting it.

Deb

I really wish proton therapy was an option for you instead. It minimizes the side effects and greatly lessens any possible colateral damage. But even so, I think you'll find the chemo was much worse than the radiation will be, at least regarding to how it makes you feel.

Thanks.


and... prlbably ... err, probably... (in answer to both I think!)

I'm... just getting so fed up with it all... it .. just keeps on going on... - still got nothing sorted post chemo really, no idea what side affects I've got are chemo, or endochrine etc... - do get to have a chat with the cool Prof endochrine guy I think, Wednesday before, or after radiotherapy, which will be cool... - GP wrote them a letter I think; which kinda frightened them into realising they've not given me an emergency wrist band thinggy (I have to recieve an imediate injection of cortisole/hydrocortisone if I'm found at a RTA) ; also, I've no emergency hydrocortisone 'stuff' - as far as I know from my reading I oughta get an injectible kit to carry with me; at the same time, I'll wanna ask them some stuff; like what I am ment to feel if I'm low, etc; all this keep nearly passing out, like I did the past few days; no idea if thats chemo, blood pressure, low hydrocortisone; or, as it was warm, could hav ejust been heat exaustions.... I've no idea; I can't any more sense what my body feels, my brains' too... bleh... - does that hurt? nope. I've no idea. I can feel it. its... dunno... maybe pain... probably.. yeh... so what... - utterly disconnected from my body and my mind at the same time; no concept of reality any more, most of the time; or thather, rather, no ... aiblity to ... dunno how to discribe it... ' - its all ... kinda there happening... sort of around me... very odd... like a k kinda extended bein stoned... or ... otherwise drugged out of my head. - no idea who I am anymore... which doesn't help... and no 'normal' of a past, of mine, to judge by which, where or how I feel now... all very odd.
Mind. still having fun when I'm not so low I can't just be bothered to move etc...

bleh. stupid brain.

much more positive today. Hmm. no idea why. didn't sleep more than a few hours on/off last night, due to hot flushes and stupid brain

so. OK. got to do this. three weeks. - gona turn the insanity/weirdness up a notch I think. - just.... just for the hecll of it.
two objectives.
1. to fall assleep whilst in the deathmask/recieving radiotherapy
2. to 'meditatie' enough to reach headspace whilst ... in the bondage that is teh radiotherapy deathmask and being bound down to teh bench/table

I think.... the second will be the easiest... - I oughta be able to think myself really easily into submissive headspace, whilst being so tightly 'bound' - rekon... I could probably reach... err... quite easily actually

well. when in doubt, hae an orgasm. as my grandmother almost etainly never said

so. exausted. so tired. must find soemthing to eat. - took higher dose of hydrocortisone again this mroning; will take higher midday dose too, so I've plenty in me, for when I'm irradiated at 4 PM. - hoping to walk to and back from hospital; gotta get fit again, somehow, and lose weight. if we walk back... and the sun's out... - gona go into the pub for a beer I think on the way home